DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

If you aren’t missing a moment then that tells you all you need to know.....

The peace and quiet could be much more permanent if you wanted it to be

That's a good positive habit you are forming with and for your DD right there OP.

Well done.

Thank you. It's hard and I feel cruel. But it sounds better than "you will never see your GP again".

I'm happy with the (mostly) silence. I don't need them in my life.

Glad things are relatively peaceful

Glad you’re ok op. You’re doing brilliantly

Glad to hear your ok and feeling good!

That's such good news! Thanks for updating us, that's brought a smile to my face. Good to know you're in a happy place.

Feelings and emotions are like other things - a choice - and we can choose to feel the positive or we can allow what we think other people think of us to dictate how we feel.

Although you feel cruel what you are doing isn't cruel but rather this is just the way you have been trained to think.

It's confusing and takes a while to unscramble all the mis-tied beliefs we've picked up from our families.

I remember this probably have been on mumsnet since then. I can't believe it's being dragged around even now and to blatantly tell your dd that you ds said she wasn't allowed was just cruel of your mother. You Should defo keep your distance for a while maybe eventually they'll realise and apologise ..... maybe

Op. We have big age gaps between cousins in our family and a couple are profoundly disabled.......I wouldnt dream of leaving them out of a birthday party. In the past when my dc have wanted to do something the others couldnt ive always done a birthday tea at home with pass the parcel etc that kids and adults can all take party in. Then the dc could do their other thing seperately.

So yabu.

Your sister does need to get over herself though

Buts it’s very tit for tat

Someone needs to break the impasse !

Just be the bigger person and invite DN next time

She has mates local to GPs that she is happy to wander out with.

Send her off with money for a pizza for her friends. Let the friends' parents know your dd is on her own for a couple of hours and you think they might like to go to the cinema and pizza hut.

Glad your dd is OK and being mature about it, shame her relatives are not.

We have big age gaps between cousins in our family and a couple are profoundly disabled.......I wouldnt dream of leaving them out of a birthday party.

Most children don't invite far younger cousins to their friends-only parties.

This weekend me and DD fell out because DM had text her offering all sorts of wonderful things to do over the weekend, after we had planned things to do ourselves. DD then sulked as our things weren't as good and was miserable all weekend.

Then today I find out that DM has been down whilst I was at work, interrogating my builder about what he was doing, because I refused to tell her, as I said it was nothing to do with her.

When challenged about both these things, I got "stop being so nasty to me, I'm just trying to help." None of those things required her help!!

I'm so annoyed!!

God she sounds tough. I hope you told your builder not to engage with her. Shame on her putting pressure on your daughter.

I’d be telling her you’ll contact the police and report her for harassment if she tries anything like that again. Can’t believe she was interrogating your builder, cheeky bitch!

Time to block her from dd phone imo. I had similar, except dm was writing to dd via a school friend's address! Left her a vm saying I would seek legal advice if she kept trying to contact dd (who was about 11/12).She stopped. We are nc now. About 6 years and 10 prior to that!!

Oh for fucks sake Have you considered blocking her from dd’s phone?

Oh my goodness OP you poor thing Just read the whole thread. Sounds like you have done nothing wrong.. Hope can stay strong. I guess it's not surprising your DM is having tantrums / trying sneaky tactics as she's not used to you ignoring her silliness and she's trying to get some power back. Hope you can stay calm and uninvolved.

All caught up now. I’m sorry but your mother is unhinged. Seriously. She wants to come in between you and your dd so that your dd is on her ‘side’ because she’s a petty bitch. I’d be looking at moving personally

I never thought of either blocking or saying anything to my builder, as it's been so quiet I thought all was "okay".

And welcome to the new saga, Ellen.

Thanks for asking about me

S&S, the way you get over the "you only have one mum" thing is to think to yourself what you are teaching your kids. You are teaching them that you should put up with anything abusive (and to be clear, that is what your family is -- especially the "it doesn't matter, you will never be as kind or as pretty") a)because you are related and b)because you want to keep the peace.

You are teaching your kids that it is ok to allow people to treat you like shit. They will take that message on board and will be more susceptible to marrying abusers etc. The way to find the strength to walk away from abusers if you can't do it for yourself is to do it for your kids.

If you do not, be aware that when your DD gets closer to being an adult, they will manipulate her and either get her on their side or ostracise her if she refuses to do so. It happens over and over and over, do some reading online if you don't believe me. She will have learned from you that when that happens you should keep the peace and try to get along. She will perpetuate the cycle. Is that what you want for her?