DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

OP you are being treated appallingly, as are your children. There is nothing remotely good coming from your 'mother'- the person who should love you unconditionally and not inflame this situation. Why are you maintaining contact with a person who views you with distain, who gaslights you and has made it abundantly clear that your sister comes before you in all areas?

When your 'mother's' health begins to fail her, I can guarantee your sister won't be seen for dust. This woman will then expect you to look after her, and still treat you as badly as before.

I ask you: what will it take for you to gather up your anger at this gross mistreatment and tell the lot of them to go to hell and go NC?

sounds to me like your parents are enabling her behaviour.

Stop trying to keep the peace - you're being walked over.
Have it out with your parents.

Just out of interest, who initiates contact with your parents?

What would happen if you just didn't ask to go round or contact them in anyway?

How long would it take them to contact you?

Since all this happened, I have gone very low contact. I feel too guilty to go NC. DM then wrote me a massive letter telling me how appalled she was with my disgusting behaviour.

The poster who changed my Ds to Cs made me actually lol.

You are the bad person.

It doesn’t matter how much you try to not offend - you always will. Because that’s the way it’s always been and it’s the comfortable, bonding place for your mother and sister.

You could find the cure for cancer, solve string theory and donate your lottery winnings to them and it still won’t be enough. It will never be enough.

Why do you need to be their punching bag?

What an awfully toxic environment. Keep her away at all cost.

Did your sister reply to DD?

You need counselling to help with your guilt. If you could give a voice to the guilt, what would it be? That you haven't tried enough? That you deserve this? Have you been to Stately homes?

You also need to block and completely ignore them so any letters that come you burn or get a close person to read and burn if its nothing but toxic.

You say you are worried about them blaming you and saying it’s all your fault if you go NC. But they are doing that already. Nothing you can do will change their views. So going NC doesn’t actually change how they see you, it stops you having to deal with it.

Drop them. They will bully you to an early grave fgs.

It's hard, but me thinks they don't expect it. They don't expect you to stand up for yourself.
So do it and watch them crumble. Stay tough. No contact unless absolutely necessary like death, birth etc.

And just tell them that you have had enough of how they treat you and that this is how it's going to be.

Ok, so Since all this happened, I have gone very low contact

But you don't say who initiated the Low contact. Is it still you contacting them, or do they ever contact you off their own backs?

Sunshine - A minor point but if your mother wrongly thinks your sister is slimmer than you and earns more she has a weak grasp of reality. Sister seems to behave like the dictator of a small country.
Just step away, as far as you can! In a few years the cousins will be able to make contact irl as they now do on social media.

What a dreadful situation. If my Mother and sister behaved like that it would be NC for me. Your family are not going to change and you need to protect yourself from this. They are being emotionally abusive and your mother writing to you about your appalling behavior would be the icing on the cake. The issue you have is they truly believe you are in the wrong and support each other to maintain this view. Protect yourself and go NC

The difficulty in going NC with people you're deeply enmeshed with is that you keep thinking that it must be possible to find a resolution. It's very hard to accept that there is no possibility of a happy ending, and all you can do is protect yourself from the toxicity :(

Even more important is to protect children from it.

Oh sunshine, you really really need to extract yourself from this toxic family. If your dd is adamant that she wants to stay at your P’s house, then by all means, let her, but after this weekend I would send a very clear email to both your sister and your parents to explain that you cannot deal with the drama and unreasonableness anymore. Bulletpoint clearly the examples you give here (eg going for tea at your P’s), and explain in a very cool and unemotional tone that the favouritism is so blindingly obvious that for your own sanity you need to back away and go nc. I know this is going to be tough; family binds can be like Japanese knotweed, and you will probably need some therapy, but do talk on here.

YANBU by the way I have a 12 year old dd and a 10 year old niece and it wouldn even cross any of our minds to invite dn to one of dd’s sleepover! she’d probably emerge traumatised

OP, you feel too guilty to go NC, but those bastards are HURTING you and your children!!! They get pleasure from grinding you into a pit of worthlessness! Your children are witnessing it and they are being affected too. You are your family's whipping boy and the only 'disgusting behaviour' you are doing is that you aren't lying down and taking their crappy behaviour.

Your 'mother' has already shown that your daughter comes second best to your niece. That has to hurt.

What good do these people bring to your life? Do they comfort you? Show love towards you? Are they in your corner? Do they make you feel loved and cherished and wanted?

No? Then ditch the deadweights.

Absolutely go NC. I know you’re reluctant because they’ll see it as them being proved right but life is absolutely too short to deal with shitstains like your family.

"I really don't know. I've spent my whole life trying to keep the peace and hoping it will change. I know I'll be forever told as the bad one if I went NC."

And here is your mistake.
You keep on doing the same things, expecting a different outcome - why? That is the definition of madness, you know.
They will never change - they have zero need or incentive to do so.
The only way to change the dynamic at all is for YOU to change - but whatever you do, you're not going to get the "happy family" you so clearly want. It's Not Going To Happen.

So you have to look at what you're getting out of staying in contact with them - you say if you go NC you'll be seen as "the bad one" but if you're NC with them anyway then why would you care? You won't hear it, you won't see it, so why let it bother you?

You're still completely stuck in "appease" mode and as such are making a doormat out of yourself, and now your DD too. You might think "peacemaker" rather than "doormat" but be realistic - you're achieving nothing in the way of peace, no one else gives a shiny shit about your or your DD's feelings, it's All About Your Sister, and she just carries on the same way with no worry about anyone else.

STOP sending presents to anyone other than DN (no need to punish her) - why would you waste your money and time on gifts for people who don't give a shit about you?

I'm sure someone on this or your previous thread has talked about FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - which is what you carry as a result of being brought up by toxic families. Learn what it is and then learn how to dump it.

And STOP playing their game - they're like a bunch of alleycats watching you, the mouse, run this way and that while they continue to swat you with their paws and claws until you die of exhaustion (metaphorically).

Give it up. They'll always be this way and you could do without it in your life.

What is the worst that could happen if you go NC? You won't know what they're saying as you won't be seeing them.

It will hurt to start, but it's something you really need to do. It will never get better.

The DM can’t invite OPs dc to another child’s birthday party

But she could - in fact should - say "I'm sorry, I have a guest that day so I won't be able to come either.^

Oh God, I remember this lot. What a bunch of vile, toxic bitches you have in your family.
I cannot believe that some posters are saying it's 50:50 here. Can they not read?
for you, OP.

It's not just 'another child's' party

Both children are her grand daughters who know each other, and get along, and the rest of the family will be there.

If I remember rightly it's. Ring held at GM house - so what will GM do? Hide her in a cupboard? Or let her out for a burger?

I've read your previous thread now and I´m very sorry to hear that you are still trying to turn yourself inside out to make your DS and DM into something they are not. I really think you should work on accepting that there aren't some magic words that will suddenly turn them into the loving and supportive family you would like. This is who they are and this is what you are going to get.

If I were you, I´d cut down engagement with them. Ignore the unpleasant messages and throw out the nasty letters. So they think you are nasty and your behaviour is disgusting? Why is what they think so important? Are they the two nicest people in the world that they can lay down judgement on others? I can understand that it is hard hearing those things from close family, but it sounds from what you have written here that they currently have far much too power to affect how you feel about yourself. Take away that power from them and stop giving them the final say when it comes to assessing your behaviour. You sound like someone making good choices in life. Be assured in your behaviour.

sonjadog

I agree, if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting the same result.

Stop banging your head against a brick wall and it'll stop hurting.

I just get stuck on the whole "you only get one mum" etc.

But it's worthless if she is showing you you are to her…