DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

Is there anywhere else your daughter can stay this weekend?

It is very unfair that both girls are being thrown into the middle of a petty grown up argument. Your family sound very immature, it seems unfair that your daughter has to navigate this alone.

The difference is that DD party is always just a few of her friends that DN never came to. DN parties have always been a day long event for every single family member. She has had a separate kids party for school friends that DD has never been to, that I have never complained about.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me
This is a working link to the OP's other thread.

I remember your last thread and how everybody seemed to completely over react.

The sleepover was for her school friends so it was fair, I think, not to invite dn. We also do that as otherwise they won’t all gel together and it makes it more stilted.

Perhaps you could have arranged to do something with dn prior to dd birthday this year so they could celebrate together and not give your sister anymore ammunition.

Anyway, it is done now. Can dn not ask her mum if your dd can come to her party? Would that work?

Have you spent ken to your sister at all in the last 18 months?

I wouldn't let her stay with such horrible, spiteful people. Who does that to a 12 year old girl, just to point score against her mother?

Please either get her back home or find alternative childcare. Never let her stay there again. They are utter cunts.

You could arrange a sleepover with a couple of mates when she gets home or something?

Thank you. I don't know why it didn't like my copy!

Sounds 50 50 to me

It isn't normal childcare, it's just weekends I usually arrange for the cousins to hang out. This weekend I am leaving first thing to take DS away and she needs to stay there.

Can you take her with you? Or any inlaws or friends? Your family will cave to the bully and your dd will be left alone and will feel like she is being punished...because she is being punished by your sister.

I remember that thread.

Your family is disgusting and unreasonable.

Your DD is older than your DN, and she was perfectly entitled to have a sleepover with her friends from school and what have you ... her own age friends.

Tell your mom to put on her big girl pants and tell your Sis/SIL/extendedfamily/whomever to stop their shitty behaviour toward a child. You have done nothing wrong.

Can your dd go with you, it's not fair for her to have to be there in these circumstances.

Your sister & Mum are nasty pieces of Work. I wouldn’t let Your DD anywhere near either of them.

How is she going to feel being left alone by Nanna in favour of going to her cousins birthday. Horrible. Don’t send her there poor kid.

I remember your other thread. Your sister is ridiculous. Of course your DD is allowed to have a party with her school friends and not DN who is younger. A family party is completely different and there shouldn't be the same exclusion. If DN had a school party then your DD might not 3xpect an invite but that's not the case.
I don't know what you can do but if childcare was agreed before this then those involved need to honour that and tough shit what your sister wants.
It's so fucking sad that the kids love and like each and this petty tit for tat is ruining it but I dont think you can reason with your sister. She is unreasonable

Your sister sounds awful.

I feel really sorry for your DD. This needs sorting once and for all, otherwise the kids are going suffer. You need to get together with your sister and talk it through.

I really hope you can sort something out. Can you imagine how shit she will feel when they all disappear to a party and leave her on her own? She's a child, she shouldn't be dealing with this. This is the sort of thing people end up in therapy for.

I assume she can't go with you? Is there a friend or someone on her dad's side she can stay with?

I don't think that you should ask your mum to take your daughter to something that she isn't invited to.

I also don't get why you would "confront everyone"-you didn't invite their kid, they didn't invite yours!

she doesn't "need" to stay with your Mum, if your mum says no, that's the end of it, the whys and wherefores are irrelevant.

your Mum is not available for childcare at that time, because she says so - you can't make her!

collect your DD. She will have to come with you, or go somewhere else

DD is very mature and is finding it all hilarious/astonishing how petty they are being. She has challenged them all and sent the screenshots to her aunt. She still wants to go and see her GPs for the weekend, happy to fill her time with her mates etc. She has mates local to GPs that she is happy to wander out with.

So, you didn't invite DN to DDs party, but confront them when it is the other way round.

You can't have it both ways!!

Mum hasn't said no to her staying for the weekend, just that she can't come to the party. Even if I had somewhere else for DD to go, and even if she now didn't want to go; I would still be blamed for ruining the family and causing an argument if I kept her home for the rest of the weekend.

The difference is that DD party is always just a few of her friends that DN never came to. DN parties have always been a day long event for every single family member. She has had a separate kids party for school friends that DD has never been to, that I have never complained about.

It sounds like a truly poisonous situation, I would remove my DD from it tbh until your DS & you can sort it out, maybe write to her to say you want your DD & the DN to spend time together because they like each other & they shouldn''t suffer because of your fall out. Suggest some ways of them spending time together and then leave it to her to confirm or not, you will have at least tried, but I would personally remove my DD from the situation as its not healthy

I have sent messages along that line today, to be met with
"Leave me alone"
"Don't dare message me"
"I don't want to speak to you"

They sound as petty as anything.

If your mother can't at least be civilised to you and your daughter I would not have her staying there with her. Is she mean to your daughter when your sister is there?

Honestly as the DN is getting older I'd just let them text each other to arrange to meet up in the upcoming years.

The DN sounds more mature than her Mum, anyway !

Why is your DD getting involved sending screenshots?