DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

I know that everyone is saying the right thing. I had made the effort to stay nc, she's just upped the stakes this last few days. It was all very peaceful before.

It's just taking a while for me to adjust my thinking. But I certainly don't want to go back to that place!

I don't know how you are doing now mentally, I hope you are better!! I just wanted to tell you my story growing up.. I saw my mother being abused by my dad's family to the point where I resented my mother for not standing up for herself and pitying her at the same time. I stopped thinking of her as someone I aspire to instead I stopped respecting her. I would see her be upset and just roll my eyes by the time I was 14. At that age I was constantly reminded of how my cousins were better than me by gm and aunties yet I still wanted to be part of their team. A few years later at 16 I became completely emotionless to my dad's side of the family and my own I nc with them all and got on with my life. I am now in a better place with my mum after gm passed away as she was the 'dsis' of your story. My mother is in a better place now to as the family dynamics changed..... The point I'm trying to make is go nc with that side of the family before you lose your daughter and from your previous comment of how DD wanted to spend time with your dm just shows she thinks that the grass may be greener on the other side and she is becoming perhaps detached as she sees you not doing anything other than ignoring. Don't let your story unfold like mines did as being mature way beyond my years was not fun. I hope that this helps and a lot of previous posters have had wonderful suggestions x

S&S, it will get worse. They are probably pissed that you haven't whipped straight into line like you are meant to. Who is going to be their scapegoat that they can dump all over if you don't play the role you have been assigned? Be aware that the next step is usually to involve other family members (Dad, Aunt, Cousin etc) or family friends to get you back in line e.g. "your mum rang me, she is so upset that you are ignoring her and she doesn't know why you are being so cruel. I'm so worried about you all, please call her and put this right"

I've also seen what Unicornandbows says before. Young girls becoming teens and losing respect for family members that allow themselves to be doormats. ((hugs)) S&S, they are shits to treat you like this, they don't deserve to have such a caring and lovely daughter.

OP Just remember (as I have to with my mil) that there is Planet (insert name), and then there is reality.

We are NC with dh's Mum for various reasons, but being threatened with court action by her really brought a full stop to the relationship. We haven't had any communication with her except via solicitors for 5 years now, and sadly, none of us (including dh's sibling and family) miss her. He doesn't buy into the 'you only have one Mum' thing. I think that must be a female perspective. You owe your Mum nothing; you have your own dcs now, and you have to protect them from all this crap.

You only have one dm
Thank fuck for that ime.

OP can your mother not come to yours? so she can sit down and talk to you without your DC? So you can explain why? quite frankly she's now it appears disturbing your DC with promises of treats etc and driving a wedge between you. I'd also record the conversation.

Then judge whether you can go full NC. I'd also let your DC and DN be in touch and organize things themselves even if you facilitate by driving/collecting. Make the Christmas/Birthday gifts between them not from you. That way they can continue to enjoy each other's company and you don't need to be involved.

I never understand why some families always invite their whole families to an event that is for friends. To me, they are two groups that are better kept separate and for which you hold separate events. Eg Christmas party for friends, family only on Christmas day. Weddings, christening, funerals excepted. BUT...I accept that lots of people have family at everything and friends at some of these things too. Just one of those differences that makes the world go round. Your sister is a nutjob, though.

Crosstalk. I have tried that in the past. It always goes the same "you are my daughter and I am ashamed of your behaviour, you need to apologise and stop being so nasty to everyone."

Of course she does, because it whips you into line.

I've read the thread and I've caught up with this and after seeing your latest post @sunshineandsnow your mother is putting you back in the child role of adult-child. She is the adult and you're the child (doesn't matter how old you actually are). You need to redress that balance and make it more adult-adult and the only way you can do that (in my opinion) is to turn her comments back to her.

She says "You are my daughter and I'm ashamed of your behaviour. You need to apologise and stop being so nasty to everyone".
You turn that back to her and say "You are my mother. I'm ashamed of your behaviour. You need to stop mollycoddling DSis and kowtowing to her demands and you need to apologise for your behaviour and how you're showing DD that it is alright to do X Y and Z to a person and exclude them. You also need to stop being nasty to DD and me and start standing up to DSis." Or perhaps something shorter than that but you get my drift.

I like "Watcha*'s words.

Good luck OP.

Oh I have tried that several times in the past. It's just my imagination that she is the favourite and I need to change 🙄