DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
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DN did challenge her mum and say she wanted DD there. She was told DD wasn't allowed. So DN text DD asking why not - thinking it was me not allowing it. I wouldn't have known about it otherwise. I did genuinely never even think of the date when she was planning to stay for the weekend, and DP never said anything.

Why are you being a walkover?
Why are you buying them gifts?
Who was sending you abusive messages on her birthday?
Delete and block and go low/no contact.
Bunch of wankers.

It is petty and ridiculous. I have much more important stuff to worry about. But then it just gets you doesn't it, when it's your own parents siding with the nonsense.

I'm trying to be a peacekeeper not a walkover.

DS, DM and DSis MiL were all messaging me throughout DDs birthday. As soon as I blocked one on one medium, they would pop up on another - fb, WhatsApp, messenger, texts, DM on Instagram....

I've tried to be low contact, low hostility, just sending gifts and happy Christmases etc.

OP. Where is the party being held? Who's paying for it?
Can you contact Aunty separately if you wish to see her?

What have GP suggested they 'do' with DD whilst they attend the party? What has your father said about it all?

You don't happen to be the older sister do you? If so, I wonder if this is more about your relationship as you both grew up. Do you think your sister ever felt left out when you had your own friends?

I wondered this too @sunshineandsnow, your family dynamic doesn't sound a very emotionally stable one, and I wondered why your mother seems to be at pains to protect your DSis from upset. I've seen this with family before (not to this extreme though) in that the other sibling was ill as a baby/child and the DM over compensates by being very protective at the expense of the other older child.

I normally think that people shouldn't have to invite cousins to their friends parties.

But I think this has more to it.
You did a sleepover last year which upset dn because she wasn't invited to. I'd say fair enough.
But having known that caused ructions you then did a meal which you again didn't invite dn to, nor did you organise anything else. That to me looks pointed.

And then saying that dn always has a family party that you just happened to not remember about when you organised her staying at her grandparents.
That looks like you were trying to make sure she had to be taken.

It may have all been done in full innocence, but I have a certain amount of sympathy for your dsis for suspecting it wasn't.

Nothing like that really. Just the epic tantrums DS has always had if she doesn't get her own way. I just keep quiet and no one ever sees my sadness. That's always been the dynamic.

I think I said in my other thread, I've qualifications and a professional job, DS chose not to study etc. DP have spent my whole life telling my that I've failed. "We wish you were more like DS". She has a better job, she's skinnier, better house, good marriage. (I don't give a shit about stuff like that so don't say anything but I actually earn double her, I'm three dress sizes smaller, have a bigger house, newer car but I am divorced 😂).

Witchend. Genuine innocence. DP could have mentioned it. And I would have done things for DN if allowed. It all turned sour too quickly.

Your DSis needs to grow up. UNless they were bosom pals, whch they aren't, why on earth should your DN be invited to your DD's birthday party? I could understand it if she was expressly omitted from a family event, but a school friends sleepover? I also don't see why you should be making amends for this by having a special party for your DN!

I really feel for your DD. She is being excluded from a party while staying with a family member, who IS attending. That is just so mean. If it wasn't for this, I'd say sod the lot of them.

I suspect your DD knows what's going on; do something nice with her when she returns.

I’m not sure that there can be a good long term relationship between the cousins with this petty excluding from your sister. There’s not much you can do.

Decide who you do like to have a relationship with, and nurture those.

Keep others at a polite distance.

The sleepover was for school friends whom dn doesnt know (unless at same school) likewise dn's sleepover was for her school friends. I see no reason for your dm and dsis to be acting the way they are

I will be honest as you are on here for opinions- I have read both threads-i don't think you should have arranged for DD to be at her grandoparents this weekend. It can't be a surprise that Dn is having her party and it cant be a surprise that DD isn't invited. You should have found alternative childcare or taken her with you. You shouldn't have out her in that position. You are teaching her to accept her place in the family as a second class citizen, slightly less worthy and slightly less important than your DSis and her family.

I would cut contact. Suggest the cousins keep in contact if they choose but got NC with your mum and sis. I suspect you have gotten so used to this being your place but you are allowing your daughter to be treated this way and viewing it as normal. It's not OK.

There is something though @sunshineandsnow that is causing your DM to prefer your DSis quite vocally over you, and put you down. That's not a normal family dynamic, it's pretty dysfunctional tbh.

So your sister is absolutely nuts and he’ll bent on punishing your child for something that her child isn’t bothered about anyway?

Yikes.

Also, you’re DM is encouraging/condoning her behaviour and I genuinely don’t know what I would do with that if it were happening in my family. Totally messed up. Your poor daughter, poor you!

Gosh my family used to be like this, at the expense of me, my younger brother and cousin (who were born 3 days apart, were together everyday as babies/toddlers and now don’t see each other as young adults).

We all live about 5 minutes away from each other, except my uncle who moved to the opposite side of the country, taking our other cousin away from all the bullshit.

I grew up (and still am) riddled with guilt if I see one family member and not the other. My brother has no bond with the extended family, and my cousin hated us all.

My mum saw my grandad once in about 10 years before he passed away (again she lived round the corner).

We were all used, by the adults in our lives, as ways to get one over on the other or get messages across, or this and that. I feel your dd and dn will be headed in the same direction.

I really don’t have much advice tbh, I was going to say keep your dd home. But as you say this would cause even more problems, it sounds like your sister wants your dd to be at your parents for the sole reason of excluding her.

What does your dd want to do? Will she stay with friends local to her GPs during the party? Who will be taking responsibility for her while everyone’s at the party incase of emergencies?

so true PO. Why do adults use their DC as pawns in their petty arguments.?

Why can't a family do as they want to, without feeling forever guilty for leaving someone out.

My best friend's DD is going through this at the moment. Wants to take her DM on holidays with them (just to look after the DC, but that's another story) but feels she can't because the MIL will get upset because she won't be invited.

Grow up adults. Stop being offended if someone does something that doesn't include you.

I'm trying to be a peacekeeper not a walkover.

I don't think it's possible to be a peacekeeper with people like this. They don't want peace.

Your family sounds toxic. Count your blessings you don’t have to speak to your sister again, though it’s tough on the cousins. They can still use text each other and perhaps could arrange to meet up independently when they’re older (haven’t read the f.ing thread so not sure how old they are).

The more you post about them including you mother and father, the more toxic they sound.

Your background sounds very familiar, have you posted before? I remember similar and the poster then was repeatedly given the advice her family was toxic, go to Stately home, go nc....

In trying for peacekeeping, they have trampled over you. It won't stop, it will just get more so and then happen to your children- as it is to your dd already

Hell would freeze over before I let my child stay there this weekend. I have a family of twats myself so I get all that weird dynamic. The only thing I am confused by is why you keep making the effort and exposing your child to it at all.

I remember your thread, I remember thinking shit I wish I had been brave enough to do it, I invited my DN 9 she was a disaster just as I thought. DN had her birthday more recently and DD was not invited. Murphy's law, I wont be falling out over it with SIL. It is her loss

Anyway your sister is mean and petty, you know that, But I would not be excepting that from your DM. I would go NC and I never say that, the cheek excluding your DD, she is either invited or not staying over anymore.

This is nothing to do with either of your children. That much is obvious