DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

Your mother is quite frankly spineless and she'd rather upset you and a 12 year old than your sister. Why is that?
If I forbade a child to a family party (I wouldn't) my mother would be raging on the child's behalf!

I think your sister has been given far to much power in this family to your detriment.

Your sister will be the one to look after your mother in old age, given your treatment, wonder how she'll reflect on that later in life?

Walk away OP stop banging your head in a brick wall. Speak up for yourself because no one else is going too.

Be calm and precise.

Also to add, DN was asking for her to be allowed as well!!

OP I'm sorry but you sound as bad as they are saying your DN is not welcome. It is so sad your DD and DN have no idea why this is all happening. You all need to get together and talk it out and stop communicating by messages. I am literally raging that two children are being kept from each other like that. When you're all dead and gone they'll think of their relations and wish they knew them better. I Don't norm like when people are harsh on MN but ffs. Speak to each other. What petty crap.

I never said DN wasn't welcome, I said it wasn't appropriate. That first summer, I took her on loads of days out etc, like I always have done (never reciprocated).

I'm not welcome at their houses and DS doesn't want to speak to me so not sure how you think I can fix this?

stayathomer, Really? You're "literally raging?"
I think you need to get out more. Or perhaps RTFT properly, where you'll see that the OP's sister won't engage.

Thank you. They are the kinds of doubts I think about all the time. Was questioning myself again then!

Sorry OP I thought I'd read it all but hadn't read your previous post. I do think there's a lot of messaging going on though and this is one that may need to be a face to face thing or else as everyone says above walk away, but it does seem like your daughter and her daughter want to be in contact so it really isn't fair on them so maybe a face to face is needed. Will she allow any form of sleepover or the like?

OhDearGod yes I was 'literally raging. Family feuds where kids miss out on being friends with relatives are sad. And yes I do need to get out more!

Even reading your other post. I still don't get why DN wasn't invited. Your DD and DN seem to get along very well- you said they love each other and were texting each other... so why wasn't she invited? It seems pretty unfair to me. I'd understand if they didn't like each other but that's not the case. I think YABU tbh.

Do you have pre-teen girls, Goth237? I do and there is a world of difference between a nine year old (DN age at the time) and a 12 year old (DD). The OP says her DD wanted to have a birthday sleepover with just her school friends of the same age – a nine year old in the mix would've changed the dynamic a lot and it wouldn't have been the birthday event DD wanted. OP's sister is the one who is being unfair expecting to impose her will on everyone else's plans.

Really, the girls parties are irrelevant. They've each always had separate parties for their school mates.

Then there has always been an extra family party for DN and aunt on the same day.

We were suddenly excluded from this since DD had the sleepover with her mates. But every other year was the same, so previous to the sleepover, DN had had her party with her mates - I never referred to this when it came to the sleepover. They had never been to each other's parties before and it had never been an issue.

@sunshineandsnow I'm sure it was just an excuse to have a go, something else was pissing DSIS Off and that became the justification for her being a complete b*tch to you.

I had similar for SIL, kicked off about DH not sending a birthday card but really I think she was just apoplectic that I was staying with my DC at HER mum's house because my DC are not allowed a relationship with their grandparents in a nutshell because she is so jealous!!! Her DC far more favoured because in laws daren't stand up to histrionics

The thing to remember this has nothing to do with you dd, they would have found another excuse to exclude you and your children from family events.

And this is because your parents believe that your sister can do no wrong and everything she says is correct and right. So you could have sneezed at the wrong time and you would have been banned.

All you can do is distance you and your children away from them and be honest in an appropriate way as to why it is happening. And hopefully your dd and dn can keep a relationship between them and not involving your sister.

Things don't have to be fixed and unchangeable. You could have organised the birthday celebration the second year in such a way as to include your niece and try to repair the relationships. You just compounded the issues. Which is absolutely fine, as long as you are prepared for the fallout, or to cut these family members out of your life. They probably are difficult people to get on with but (1) you aren't blameless and (2) you know what they are like, so you either try to repair the relationship with full knowledge of their 'deficiencies', or you move on without them.

You could have organised the birthday celebration the second year in such a way as to include your niece and try to repair the relationships. You just compounded the issues.

Why on earth should OP be the one responsible for repairing relationships that have been emotionally damaging to her since childhood?

So why hasn't she walked away? Why hang on and expose her daughter to this nonsense? She doesn't need to try to repair the relationships. It appears to be what she wants.

Because she caught up in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). OP is still in the scapegoat. It very hard to break out of a lifetime of training.

Op - sorry if you've mentioned this already, but where does your Father stand in all of this?
Does he stand up for you and your family? Does he favour your Sister like your Mother does?
I would suggest that you sit him down and have a heart to heart and tell him exactly how you feel.

How can you say OP wants the upsetting situation she has appealed for advice on Charlestonchaplin? I'd think twice before saying things like that - and speaking about her as if she isn't present !

DF is the kindest and gentlest man who has never been allowed an opinion in his whole life. DM speaks to him dreadfully. He knows exactly what they are like, sometimes speaks up about it, to be told off for speaking up. He doesn't favour either of us but can see it for how it is. He sneaks down and hangs out at my house (even when I'm not in).

Did your DF go to the party.
If so he is just as bad as the rest of them.... He has not been a good parent to you or a good DGF to your DD.

He comes across as pretty spineless to be honest---sorry. As they say "anything for a quiet wife"

You could have organised the birthday celebration the second year in such a way as to include your niece and try to repair the relationships

The OP has already explained several times that the birthday celebrations have been done the same way every year. OP’s DD has a little do with just her schools friends and DN also has a little do with just her school friends and then a family party after. Neither have ever been invited to the others little school friends only parties. It’s only this year that OP’s knobhead sister has randomly decided to take issue with it. An issue quite frankly she has no right to be pissy about because she’s being a hypocrite and giving out double standards.

OP had no idea this would cause such an issue as it’s never been an issue before, so she couldn’t pre-empt her DSis random outburst to even do any type of damage control in the first place.

OP’s mother has already done a sterling job of chipping away at her confidence over the years, so it’s no wonder she hasn’t had the strength or confidence to stand up to them and have no contact so far. It’s not that easy to walk away when you’ve been made to feel like shit all your life and your confidence is rock bottom.

Thanks browneyes.

Think you just summed up two whole threads there!

Name change fail. Sorry!

Also. The "why don't you come for tea, you never come anymore" texts have begun.

You’ve got 3 options for responding to the texts:
1 ignore them completely
2 lie and make up some bullshit excuse
3 tell the truth

Fwiw I think it’s gone so far that the only option you really have is number 3. Then block, ignore and essentially go NC. They won’t be expecting it because you’ve never done it.

You could let your df know, and explain that he’s always welcome. But that the 2 manipulative bitches aren’t.