DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

She's old enough to understand - but she's also old enough to make up her own mind re. contact with them - that's putting the decision on to her. I'd explain it but say no contact at least for the time being. A 12 year old couldn't handle adult aggression, even if it is "passive".

DD went. GP went the party. I've texted DM to say I wasn't happy that she was excluded. Great. So you've continued to feed the situation using your DD.

Thought this photo might help.

I worry when I hear a child described as very/extremely 'emotionally mature'.

It often means that they have been exposed to difficulties beyond their years, and that they have had to develop adult ways of coping.

Powkin are you able to give a source for that, its really interesting but incredibly hard to read and I am on a Mac with a big screen - it won't enlarge enough?

I just sat and chatted to DD about it all. She says Nan told her she would have loved to take her to the party but DS said no and it's up to her. She told DD that me and DS have always argued and she always tries to fix it with me but I won't listen.

I told DD the things that I have written in this thread about what my childhood was like and she was shocked. I was very heartened when she said "you would never do that with me and DB". We have agreed for limited contact with her and GP and for all contact with DN to be meeting up in places rather than DD going to anyone's houses.

@Elephant14 sure it is here:
lrsb.org.uk/uploads/power-control-wheel-equality-wheel.doc

But it looks weird on the screen

Most power/control wheels online related to partner abuse so this is the only one I found that related to families.

" I've texted DM to say I wasn't happy that she was excluded."

What was the point of that?

It was always going to happen!

The problem is that neither of your parents thought enough of her to stay with her.

DD doesn't see her dad and I had to take DS away.

Thanks powkin

It's great that you've had the chat with your DD and she now fully understands where you're coming from, because your DM really is a piece of work telling her that you're the problem who won't fix things with DS. If I were you I'd be raging at her attempt to gaslight your DD into believing their narrative.

Sounds like you've really got this now, OP, but I second PP that you should seek therapy to unravel the feelings of guilt you have about going NC.

Tinkylittlelaugh
Snap, 52 must be the age of enlightenment lol.

So glad you've had a chat with her, sunshine, and realised that your mother has been putting all the blame onto you for your sister's behaviour.
I hope that your DD isn't too upset about the situation - she does sound like she has it all sorted in her mind, but she might still have some residual upset about it all, especially when she gets conflicting stories from you and her grandmother.

Keep an eye on her and maybe offer her the opportunity to talk about it with a neutral 3rd party.

bluegreengrey
You are right about children, who are emotionally mature often having to cope with things beyond their years. I stated upthread my dd is mature for her age. She always has been. And yes, part of that is having to live things, which ideally she wouldn’t. The toxicity of my family and my chronic illness and disability.

That said, she is lucky In comparison to people like op and me as they are further removed from the abuse being grandchildren and cousins, not children and siblings.

sunshine
Well done for telling your dd. My dd witnessed my brother being violent to me last year and my mother blaming me for the entire incident. I have also chosen to tell my dd certain things about my mothers behaviour. Life has been hard to navigate and I think I’ve now found balance. I am nc with my brother and wholeheartedly blamed for the entire situation by my mother. I am Lc with her. They even had a fat chat about me after the incident as she told me on the phone the following day ie “we (she and brother) think x, y and z about you.”

After an incident around 3 years ago when dd was 7 my mother now knows contact with my dd is a privilege not a right. I closely monitor what is going on between the two of them.

I am glad you’ve found people to support you and give you the strength to protect your dc.

She told DD that me and DS have always argued and she always tries to fix it with me but I won't listen

So she blamed you for the problem and minimised it which is exactly what that abuse wheel says she would do.

I hope that the limited contact is always with you present so that you can prevent your child from being exposed to these kinds of comments about you.

She told DD that me and DS have always argued and she always tries to fix it with me but I won't listen
Those words speak volumes. She always tries to fix it with you. Not your CS. you won't listen - your CS doesn't need to because you not giving in is the problem.

In her eyes, I should add. Not in any actual reality.

So she criticised her grand daughters mother to her grand child's face

What started off as a thread that I worried would look I was being petty, is beginning to make me never want to see any of them ever again.

It's such a relief to be validated and supported. My head is just starting to get round it all.

Sending you this morning, OP. I can't imagine where your head must be at right now with all this, but everyone here is right behind you.

Also sending you big hugs Op

Thank you. It's all quiet so far.

I totally agree you have nothing to reproach yourself for or feel guilty about - not inviting an 8 year old to a 10 year old's sleepover just because she is a cousin was not unreasonable but your daughter being excluded from a whole family party and then your mom cruelly leaving your daughter at home to attend your niece's daughter is frankly f@cked up and I honestly wouldn't have anything more to do with my mom or sister based on that alone. My only question mark was over why your 12 year old daughter needed to go there 'for childcare' in the first place knowing the situation? Was there really nobody else if she couldn't be left on her own for a couple of hours or perhaps it was overnight in which case of course she'd need childcare. I feel bad for you that some earlier commenters implied you were all as bad as each other, which is a lazy conclusion at best. Sorry if I missed something that clarified why your daughter was compelled to attend your mom's the day of the party she was excluded from. How could they be so mean! It's almost Cinderella esque!

It's crazy how these things can escalate within families (I know from experience).
Be the bigger person and arrange some sort of day out/meal/activity for your DD and invite DN. The ball is in your sisters court then. Hopefully she will agree and you can start to rebuild your relationship. If she declines then at least you tried and your conscience will be clear.
Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and make the first move.
I fell out with a member of my family over something very petty. Now 18 years have passed and we are no longer in contact with each other. I can't even remember exactly what the argument was about but we were/are both too stubborn to make the first move and reconcile.
Please try to resolve this situation before it's too late and you lose each other for good

Amelia. It was two overnights where I needed to take DS away and she there is nowhere else she can stay. It won't be happening again.