DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

Who are these texts too?

browneyes You and the OP seem to have the same fixed mindset which isn't conducive to successful relationships. Why do things always have to be done exactly the same way?

Clutter I acknowledge the role of fear, obligation and guilt, but it is lazy to hide behind them as a complete excuses for one's actions, especially once a person becomes aware of them operating in their dysfunctional relationships.

It is for OP to decide whether she wants to continue with these difficult relationships whilst coming onto Mumsnet every so often to moan, while nothing really changes.

Amelialouise I said OP appears to want to maintain a relationship with her mother and sister. Their difficult behaviour is longstanding, so she knows that that decision will come with a lot of drama. Also, at times I am clearly responding to points raised by other posters so I address them, not always by name, rather than the OP.

Texts from DM to me. She never normally texts. I've visited about 3 times since this ridiculous saga began. I've ignored so far.

Charles. What would you suggest I do to fix things with someone who no longer wishes to communicate. If I visited DM now, it would just be to tell me how my behaviour needs to change. DS will no longer acknowledge my existence.

Then move on with your life without them, OP. I am not one to suggest going 'no contact' with people I don't know very well, but it is sometimes the healthiest thing to do. I wouldn't even call it 'no contact', I just wouldn't initiate contact with them, and if they contact you be clear that you expect to be treated with respect. If that doesn't happen, withdraw quickly and possibly go 'no contact' properly.

IGNORE!!!

Let this be the first step to you going NC.

sunshineandsnow No worries

it was all crystal clear to me, I’m struggling to understand why anyone would think the onus or blame is on you after reading through what you’ve written.

I agree with ohfourfoxache about responding to the texts.

I think you should just tell them it’s quite clear what DM and DSis think of you and your DD and that as they have consistently excluded you both from being part of this family because precious DSis wants and demands will always come first, you’ll concede to their wishes and do them all a favour and remove yourself and your DD from their lives so they no longer have to deal with the hassle of being related to you.

Ok, maybe that was quite a sarcy response, but you get my drift

That was a scary response. I like it. But I doubt I'll be brave enough to send it. Ignore for now but maybe if they start to piss me off with more ridiculousness....

You and the OP seem to have the same fixed mindset which isn't conducive to successful relationships. Why do things always have to be done exactly the same way?

No, I just RTFT properly.

At no point does it come across as the OP being the awkward one. Her DM has been a cow to her most of her life. Her DSis has always been pandered to and put first and OP has been made to feel like an outsider in her own family thanks to these two poisonous women.

I’m the first to say you should always try and build bridges with your family and avoid falling out, but the OP’s family have been the ones who have consistently pushed her away no matter how hard she has tried to keep the peace and overlooked their awful behaviour to do so.

I come from a very close family and have great close friends, so yes, I am fully aware of what is conducive to creating and maintaining relationships because I have great relationships with the people in my life. But there is a point when people are treating you like shit, where you have to say enough is enough. You can’t be walked over and treated badly forever.

That was a scary response. I like it. But I doubt I'll be brave enough to send it. Ignore for now but maybe if they start to piss me off with more ridiculousness....

OP, if you want to just ignore them you do that. If you feel it’s too soon to go into details then just ignore for now and give yourself the time to prepare what you want to say should you ever feel the need to say it.

I’m just someone who can’t keep quiet about how I feel if someone has hurt me and have to tell them. I’m a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda gal. Plus I’m a sarcy cow, so that’s how it would come out if I sent a text

Then move on with your life without them, OP. I am not one to suggest going 'no contact' with people I don't know very well, but it is sometimes the healthiest thing to do. I wouldn't even call it 'no contact', I just wouldn't initiate contact with them, and if they contact you be clear that you expect to be treated with respect. If that doesn't happen, withdraw quickly and possibly go 'no contact' properly.

Now that I 100% agree with.

Also. The "why don't you come for tea, you never come anymore" texts have begun

Why not text back 'You asked me not to incase DSis came and saw me there? Don't you remember DM?

I'd be torn between ignoring DM's texts and responding with GreenTulips' answer - you never go for tea anymore because you were told not to in preference to DSIS!
But, really, engaging is just going to drag the situation on, so doing nothing is probably the best course of action right now.

"All those times your sister has tried to sort things out and you're not interested."

News to me!!!

Is that the latest text from your mum.

If so just ignore her, nothing you say will change her mind. Even if you were to text back that your neither your sister or her have tried to sort anything will change what they think or do.

I am ignoring. I know there's no point.

It's just so frustrating that everyone thinks these things about me.

Either you ignore her or you ask "When?"
In my case sibling said she'd tried to sort it, speak to me etc and DM believed her.

If you can remain detached OP it might be really interesting just to observe how far your CM & CSIS go in their attempts to keep you fixed in that scapegoat position.

You have moved out of the spotlight by disengaging and they'll be so desperate to get you back in place.

It sounds like they are both addicted to all the drama - perhaps they feel their lives would be meaningless with all this angst whereas it seems you prefer peace and calm.

There have been some difficult and painful things to take on board from this thread and yet you seem to be handling them well. Some of us don't get great mothers. Some of us get sisters so consumed with jealousy they rock the boat at every opportunity.

I think you sound amazing. I'd love you as a daughter. You have a brave heart. It's ok to let negative communication go. It's ok not to respond. You have time to consider your best course of action - take as much time as you need. You deserve to be loved just as you are and without having to dance to anyones made up tune.

*without all this angst

Agree with simplepimple. Will be very interesting to see how they carry on from now on when you're not engaged.

It's just so frustrating that everyone thinks these things about me

People think all sorts of things about us throughout our lives and there's really nothing we can do about it except change the way we react to those thoughts when they are negative. I know that's easy to say and far harder to do (when I was 14 a school "friend" told me it was a pity I was so plain and seriously over thirty years later that is still in my stupid head!), but we cannot change people, only ourselves. You are a good person, you are a good mother, your daughter loves you, your friends think you're grand just the way you are, most people here can see that you are trying your best to be a good daughter and a good sister and that the negativity is all coming from one (or two) directions.

You have to accept that they are wrong and that allowing what they think about you to rule your life is just no way to live. They will continue thinking badly of you no matter what you do, so let them. You cannot change what refuses to change, but you can start listening and taking on board those people who do not treat you in this way, who like and love you for who you are and think that who you are is good enough, always has been, always will be. Remember the compliments and the kindness that others give you and not the negativity you get from your mother and your sister. Maybe feel a little sorry for them that their lives are so full of negativity, never happy unless they are causing damage to the people they're supposed to love and just be happy that that is not who you are.

What lovely comments 💖

And remember in those moments you are feeling weak, you have the power of Mumsnet behind you and to support you with their madness.

Hope you are ok op.

Thank you.

I have managed over two weeks now of ignoring the repeated requests for me to visit and take DC, moaning when I "don't reply to her anymore".

DD understands we are having some time away from them and why.

I'm not missing a single thing of it all