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Original poster

Would you leave your DCs behind?

349 replies

Americanoplease · 23/08/2018 17:46

If you had to move to USA for business purposes, and they didn't want to leave the UK and but want to stay with their dad. Ages 18, 17 and 15.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 23/08/2018 20:18

I wouldn't dream of prioritising my career in that way.
If mySTBEX did this it would erase any vestiges of respect I had left and although I would probably continue the mantra 'he's doing it to support you/ what fun it will be when you visit' I am certain that the teens would see through both their parents and that the overseas one would never retrieve a close relationship.

Orchiddingme · 23/08/2018 20:18

My nearly 15 year old needs so much time and emotional input, it would be absolutely out of the question. Even older ones leaving home need to come home and talk.

There are plenty of absent dads, that is true, and their children probably don't feel so close to them- this may be less true for men though as there is not so much of an expectation of them being present all the time/emotionally available I don't think. My children miss my husband a lot when he is away though, even for shorter periods.

pieceofpurplesky · 23/08/2018 20:19

No.

Bumble1830 · 23/08/2018 20:20

I actually don't know what I would do. You have to do what suits you and your family. although, your kids arnt going to be young forever, they will settle down and maybe have kids of their own and get on with their life, and you'll be at home on your own doing a job you probably hate. I think I would seriously consider it.

Racecardriver · 23/08/2018 20:20

What does have to mean? How often would you be able to see them? How good is their father at parenting?

Metoodear · 23/08/2018 20:20

This is why you really can’t emigrate with teens because usually they don’t want to you either have to move when their small and have no day or wait until their mid 20s and settled

toomanychilder · 23/08/2018 20:21

Would everyone saying no say the same if it was a man asking?

If OP was a man they would still be asking would YOU leave YOUR dcs behind, not should he. Or she, for the OP.
Not sure you understood?

MadMum101 · 23/08/2018 20:21

But the OP is not 'leaving' her DC. They don't want to go with her!

Assuming this has been thoroughly discussed and they are all adamant they don't want to leave the UK, and their father is reliable and capable, then definitely go.

If they were primary school age, then no way but a 15 year old is old enough to know that they are not being 'abandoned'.

Also assuming job is well paid so regular flights can be paid for, for OP to visit and for DC to visit. Lots of tech these days to have contact on.

How often do you see your teenagers anyway!

They may change their minds once they've visited (I believe you can apply for dependents to join you up to age 21?),and nothing is permanent. OP may decide to come back.

I certainly wouldn't turn down an opportunity like that.

Metoodear · 23/08/2018 20:22

Just asked my 18

His words
“I would lock you off if you fucked off”

Metoodear · 23/08/2018 20:24

MadMum101

But the OP is not 'leaving' her DC. They don't want to go with her!

No shit Sherlock
They don’t want to go because the 15 year old is a year away from doing exams the 18 will be just about to start uni and the 17 in the middle of a levels they will have friends they will have a home with the op

Unless you are drunk or have no clue about teens a move across the U.K. would be a hard sell let alone teens

As I said when moving when their teens you either need to move before when their smaller or wait until their settled

SometimesMaybe · 23/08/2018 20:25

I couldn’t do this, or would I expect a man to.

DH and I spent most of our twenties as early thirties working abroad in various locations. We loved it. We came home to close to our home town to have our children. We both, and DH in particular would love to travel again but we have decided the best thing for the DC is to stay here until they are at/have finished uni and are financially independent by which point we will be in our 50s and we can spend our last ten years of our working lives abroad again.

FuckyDuzz · 23/08/2018 20:25

Absolutely not, of course I wouldn’t!
I’m surprised you would even consider it tbh

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/08/2018 20:27

God no! And I would judge any parent, dad or mum who chooses to live in a different country to their Non adult DC

Goodfood1 · 23/08/2018 20:27

My mum left when i was 15 nearly 16 and my brother was 18 it fucked us up. we weren't with our dad though, DB in his own, and me with a grandmother i hardly knew.
however I wouldn't do it

speakout · 23/08/2018 20:27

No.

I wouldn't consider it.

Kids this age need a lot of support- making very big life decisions, need help to keep them on track.

Metoodear · 23/08/2018 20:27

MadMum101

But the OP is not 'leaving' her DC. They don't want to go with her!

Assuming this has been thoroughly discussed and they are all adamant they don't want to leave the UK, and their father is reliable and capable, then definitely go.

If they were primary school age, then no way but a 15 year old is old enough to know that they are not being 'abandonedyou have no clue clearly about children I will put my house on the fact she will either sever the relationship with one of not all or fracture it the only exception is if she is not the primary carer

It will mean not only upheaval of moving possibly schools ect because we don’t know if the ex lives near it means change of care giver in the most critical time in a child life

toomanychilder · 23/08/2018 20:27

But the OP is not 'leaving' her DC. They don't want to go with her!

That's still leaving them though, isn't it? How does them not choosing to go change that? It doesn't.

Plumsofwrath · 23/08/2018 20:31

No. The message they will hear is “this job is so much more important to me than you that I’d move 3500 miles away from you for it”.

Unless you’re literally doing good for humankind (and even then, probably not), I wouldn’t do it.

MadMum101 · 23/08/2018 20:31

MeToo what an extremely obnoxious and rude post.Hmm.

I have 3 teens thanks, and I doubt they would want me to give up an opportunity like that. In fact they would be packing their bags to come with me as soon as I told them, GCSE's next year or not. There are more important things, like new life experiences. It would be a no brainer and on the off chance they didn't want to come for a year or two, they'd manage well with their Dad.

Metoodear · 23/08/2018 20:33

Dosent seem the ops kids are jumping at the chance ay

OctaviaOctober · 23/08/2018 20:33

It depends. Is their father happy to have them? Are they happy to stay with him and not stressed out about you leaving? Will their schooling, etc be unaffected? And what - if anything - happens if you don't go? Could you lose your job?

pinkdelight · 23/08/2018 20:34

I'd do the six months and take it from there. Happens a lot in families with actors as parents, being away on sets for a chunk of the year. And in other project-based industries, or indeed the armed forces. There's probably a chance to see them if they can visit mid-way through. I'd focus on the specifics of your situation, your kids, their dad, how the situation would work for you all, rather than getting caught up with big guilt issues about children vs career. There's no right answer. Do what's right for your situation.

OctaviaOctober · 23/08/2018 20:35

She has literally made two very short posts. An awful lot is being assumed.

kaytee87 · 23/08/2018 20:35

*kaytee87

Would everyone saying no say the same if it was a man asking
yes I know serval women who have met men abroad and they trying desperately to get them to the U.K. they all have children I think the men are dicks*

?

MrsGB2225 · 23/08/2018 20:36

Never.

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