Would you leave your DCs behind?

[Americanoplease]

If you had to move to USA for business purposes, and they didn't want to leave the UK and but want to stay with their dad. Ages 18, 17 and 15.

My parents moved abroad when I was 14. My older brother & I chose to stay in the U.K. (my younger siblings didn’t have a choice) & my grandma moved in with us.

@OddestSock

That’s the facts. How did you feel about that?

@caribbean - I was quite happy. I stayed in my own home, I had my school friends, I had a good support network at school. My older brother & I we’re perfectly happy with the arrangement. I didn’t want to move, I was settled, I was part way through my GCSEs. I knew a move could affect things.

We saw my mum & younger siblings for a month in the summer & we’d go to visit for a couple of weeks at Christmas.

Now I have my own children, I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for my parents, but they made sure we we well looked after & had what we needed. It was in the 90s so we were limited to expensive phone calls and snail mail.

I’m a well adjusted adult now with a good relationship with both my parents (& my grandma who gave up a lot to move to us!). They were abroad for 6 years in total & came back when I was at university.

“Short sighted and blinkered view” ... from the person who casually threw into the conversation that OP might not have a good relationship with her kids and then yeah but no but replied to the suggestion that thousands of kids have thrived in boarding school away from their mothers.

Whatevs babe. OP will know what the right thing to do is but I’ll hang around to watch you tell Oddestsock that she’s wrong and can’t oissible have been happy.

*Whatevs babe

Says all I need to know!

Personally I couldn't. So much of their lives would be missed in that time. Also, what if something happened that needed you to return straightaway? It's such a long time back, flights, airports, travelling home.

Can you afford to fly over regularly for visits and/or have them over to stay with during school holidays?

If you can then I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand. it depends largely on what the father is like and how the kids feel about it.

What do your kids think? Personally I wouldn't have been put out at that age. I moved out when I was 16 and moved back to uk on my own at 17 leaving my parents abroad. It's not like you're leaving them alone or with distant relatives. Your kids might all move out/ away soon anyway- will a job opportunity come round like this again? Fantastic opportunity for them to travel too x

It was ironic and you fell right in with both feet

At these ages, I think it completely depends on the opinions of the children. If they are upset and beg you not to go it’s one thing. If they are excited about the prospect of long holidays with you in the USA while finishing their studies in the UK that’s another.

I just don't agree with all the PPs examples of parents abandoning their DCs to go abroad. This is just the mum going, so one parent, who they seem really close to, will remain with them.

Also, the DCs are just at the age where their parents start to shift into the background as their own independence takes off. This looks to me that just at the point when many mum's start to question their own value, the OP has been given this amazing opportunity.

OP, I say go for at least the six month part and see how it goes and best of luck!!

yeah sure, ironic

You’re not coming across as a particularly person Gold.

Or perhaps that’s ironic too?

pleasant

Not a chance. I've travelled round the work for work with my DC but there's no way I'd leave them.

Is this for your job or a new partners job because I think that makes a difference to how your DC will feel about it.

Sorry Dilemma - I just get a bit cross when someone decides to clasp their pearls and suggest that OP has a poor relationship with her kids just because that family has other options. Maybe because I was such a kid and it was an absolute privilege and delight to have that experience and I can’t believe the TOV of some of the replies (far more unpleasant imho).

As I said, OP will know how to manage this with her kids and the six month option sounds great. Also nice to hear from other PPs who have had similarly positive experiences in similar situations.

I’d certainly consider it. The kids are at home with a parent. People wouldn’t be so hysterical if you were on a military tour, and arguably that’s optional too (to be in the military, not the tour as such).

I have a great relationship with DC, thanks.

It really all depends on what type of dad he is and if he's responsible to do both jobs: mum and dad competently?

I asked a genuine question. I asked what her relationship was like with her children, which strikes me as a fairly salient point.

I wouldn't but that is because I want to be part of their daily lifes and I wouldn't be able to cope. But I think lt might work. If the father is a good supportive parent. Many people live like that and are ok. A friend of mine left her mum's house to go and live with her dad when she was 14. She was fine. Maybe go for the initial six months and if you see you can't cope you can always quit.

Would everyone's advice be the same if it was the dad who had the job offer and the children were to stay with their mum.....

What fi the children think about this

And shadows the ex have to say

I would think the same if this is something the kids are not used to. So if they have always had their parents around (any gender combination) and suddenly one had to leave for 6 initial months to later be permanent, I would still think it's a delicate time to leave imo

My advice would be exactly the same regardless of which parent was considering making a move

But of course you make a very good point Br1256 if I am understanding you correctly. You're wondering if preconceptions about motherhood are making a difference.

People parent differently. DH&I chose to have a 50:50 balance in parenting but some parents have a different balance (say when there's a sahp involved).

So for instance if the OP had a highflying job with hours in the range 50-100 a week and her co-parent either didn't work or worked in a more manageable job, then the parenting balance is different and the OP would be missed less.

Did OP ever come back?

I don't see how anyone HAS to moved to the US for work. I'd rather get another job and stay with my son. I wouldn't even consider what you are suggesting.