Would you leave your DCs behind?

[Americanoplease]

If you had to move to USA for business purposes, and they didn't want to leave the UK and but want to stay with their dad. Ages 18, 17 and 15.

I would go if DCs that age and it were for a crucial employment or training opportunity. Not easy no, but life is all about decisions and compromise happens every day. This is just a different normal to staying in the UK.

No way. I’d have hated my mum if she’d left me like that. My kids are the most important thing to me, I miss them like crazy if I don’t see them even for a day.

No way would I put a job before my own children.

No. My MIL did this. It turned into a right shit show.

Nope.

No, I’d want to stay until youngest had finished secondary school education.
If my husband wanted to do this, I’d say no I’m staying here with the children until they’ve finished their secondary education.

It depends on if the 6 months are negotiable, I would consider it if the kids would be happy to go along on a trial basis out there and see if they'd be willing to consider it. If they were dead set against it though I couldn't do it.

What is the current custody/visitation arrangement? How does their father feel about having full time custody?

I honestly think it is fine, if both the father and the children are happy with it. You will probably see more of the two older ones in holidays, etc, than you would in the UK. A free holiday in the US is more attractive than holidays in their home town.

As today is GCSE results day, and I feel pretty drained, I'm with most in saying it would have to be a really, really, really, compelling reason for me to leave dc of that age for more than 3 or 4 weeks. DH would say the same. It is just the wrong time.

No.

No, I wouldn’t.

It’s one thing if they have grown up with a parent in the armed forces or whatever, or if they live with both parents and one has to work away for a few months, it’s a totally different thing if the parent you live with decides to move overseas for a job. Pretty much irrespective of what that job is. If it’s an amazing opportunity they might understand on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level the damage you’ll do to your relationships with them is lifelong. LIfe. Long. PLUS, it’s NOT ‘just’ your relationship with them you’ll be fucking up, it’s their own sense of self worth & sense of security. Frankly, you’ll have done significant damage already, as you’ve alreay seriously considered and discussed you going without them. You’ll never have destabilised them. Even if they’re saying they’re ok with it.

What the hell is this job that would make you even consider doing this?

Many, many women from the Phillipines leave their families every year to work as nannies here in Canada in the hopes of being able to immigrate as a family. It can take years and the effects on the children can be hugely damaging. Many of them would say they have no choice, however...

angelil

It is quite common for the child to live with a friend or with a host family just to finish out the academic year

In what way is this comparable to the OP electing to take a job and live in another country
...it’s NOT.

An awful lot of people have no choice in such matters. TBH if I were in that postion it would depend on:
Whether the dad is a good enough dad to care for them
DC themselves and how they feel about it
How long I would be away for
Whether there was going to be enough money for me to fly back/them to visit me.

I wouldn't rule it out because waa, women should always sacrifice everything for their children or they are unnatural and evil.
If it seemed they would cope, and I would cope, and the job was worth it, then I would go ahead. What's SKYPE for if not situations like this?

NasdaqYouTwat

In your shoes, I would ask them for their blessing to go, in writing so they can't throw it back at you later on

How manipulative.
Agreed this is the most damageing thing I ever read

SKYPE for if not situations like this?
yes for absent parents

I wouldn’t even consider it as an option.

I think it depends entirely on your relationship with them and their relationship with their father.

I know lots of people that boarded in the UK whilst their parents were on overseas postings, I also know people that left home at 16 and moved away. None of them appear to have been unduly harmed by it.

If you're giving them the opportunity to come but they don't want to and they'll be plenty of visits and contact and potential future opportunities for them too I don't see why not. Contact can be instantaneous these days.

It would need to be handled well though.

My mum left sis and I when we were 17 and 19 and 33 yrs later we still know she loved herself more than us

Definitely not!

I definitely wouldn't do it.

ILikeyourHairyHands

If you could parent effectively through Skype why hasn’t this been taken up by the majority of U.K. parents or the world parents

How much would you be able to get back to see them? Could they spend school/uni holidays with you? Kids go to boarding school much younger than that and survive (I did). What do they think about it?

I wouldn't do it. But l know some parents who are overseas and their children are in boarding school here. They go to gps at small breaks and out to dps at longer holidays.
But Op l think you will regret it if you do it..maybe not immediately but down the road.

To those saying that the 15 year old would be fine - have you read any of the posts from those with actual experience of this happening to them and the damage it caused.

It's also really not about sexist double standards - I would judge any parent who CHOSE to have children and then leave them at any point in their upbringing (and 15 year olds are still being brought up) for a job.

As for asking the children for permission - this is the worst thing you can do to a child. If YOU want to do this YOU take responsibility for it. Children love their parents and want them to be happy and more often than not will tell them what they want to hear. You are making them tell you to go (and then they can't complain when life is hard for them to manage with you) or asking you to stay (so that it is their fault that Mum or Dad didn't get to follow their dream/earn more money etc).