Would you leave your DCs behind?

[Americanoplease]

If you had to move to USA for business purposes, and they didn't want to leave the UK and but want to stay with their dad. Ages 18, 17 and 15.

What do the kids think about you going?

I suspect that mine would be fine about DP going, but not impressed if I suggested it (but then they're 10 years younger than yours) - especially since there would be visits etc.

But then my kids were horrified at the idea that we'd pick a country and stop moving - the idea of staying in one place forever boggled their minds (we move a lot for work)

I don't feel I can move from one end of the country to the other & leave my 20something dd (& gc's) so in your position definitely not...

My firm has a lot of secondees around the place.

Teenage children don't transplant well and a few of my colleagues' children have had negative outcomes after being transplanted. It's much easier when they're younger. So I agree with the consensus advice to leave the kids at home because they are in a critical stage of their education.

As for whether or not you should go - I think you need to have a chat with your DC. I don't know how close to you they are. My DC would not have let me go. And TBH there's no way on earth I would have left them. There are always other jobs. You only have the DC you have and even if they said they were okay with it I would be very concerned about it.

It's a tricky decision and one you should not take without the full involvement of your DC

Hmm, complicated. I mean, my kneejerk is that I wouldn't. But what happens to your career if you don't? From what you said, you and their father aren't together, so you do need to earn an independent living. Can you still do that if you don't go? When you say they want to live with their father in the UK, is it that they'll accept staying with him rather than move, or do thay actually want to live with him? Is there a new partner in the US/who will accompany you to the US in this picture? Because if so that changes everything in terms of the extent to which this is seen as a rejection of them. Lots more I'd need to know, OP, to know if this is an OK idea or a really, really bad one. I do think an automatic assumption that kids should live with their mother rather than their father, and everything else is unnatural/wrong/going to fuck them up, needs challenging tbh, so this isn't necessarily a Really Bad Idea.

I wouldn't but I'm not you & don't know the circumstances. You are important too but children's feelings come first until they're adults imo

How much would it affect your job not going? How frequently would you be able to return to the UK? What are the children's feelings on it? So you currently work away for significant periods of time? Many parents are in a FIFO situation- it's lovely to say you would never do it, but if you have to pay bills, live, and find the children- not everyone has the ability to just say a blanket no.

I will say - my dad moved to America when I was in my mid teens. And ultimately came back for my younger brother (dad told me this himself at the time). We have a good relationship, but it never really recovered to what it had been before and it probably won’t ever be what it could have been.

Not a chance

Hell no! But I assume your kids' dad is better than mine, or you wouldn't be asking. Can't you tell them they have to go with you? It's not going to be much fun in the UK after March.

OP are you ever going to bother returning?

Probably not, because she isn’t hearing what she wants to hear.

Yes definitely. 6 months initial trip is great to see how it goes. One 'child' is already an adult. And I really don't see how a 15 and 17 year old living mainly with their father is an issue. From the US you'll be able to fly home and they can head over and visit you after exams etc. You can get cheap flights if you're flexible about times to go.
It sounds like a great opportunity to me.

People in the Armed Forces leave their children for months at a time. Sometimes with other half or at school. I would go for the 6 months provided children were being cared for in a good solid base and I could visit every couple of months or they could come over. I know of folk who have done similar and company has paid fares for visits. For the permanent job, would need family to go too. Maybe if you do the 6 months you may not want a long term post.

I would presume that op might be in the US for 6 months eg September to March.

Children could visit in October 8/9 days.

Christmas holidays for a couple of weeks +

February for another 8/9 days and op would be home in March. Hardly disappearing out of their lives for 6 months.

I just can't believe that someone being offered a 'meaty job' in the US has absolutely no other options.

A mother living apart from dc isn't necessarily terrible. But being so comprehensively separated from the children for such a long period is an extremely big deal imo.

I wouldn't permanently move countries away from my teenage children, no. The thought wouldn't cross my mind.

No wouldn’t even consider it

Is this a reverse? It would be a no from me anyway.

Olivers the first trip is for six months but after that the OP would be going permanently.

I couldn’t do it OP. Absolutely no way.

More than likely, no. But if it meant a better life or more opportunities for my children (i.e. a helluva lot more money or educational opportunities) I would have to seriously consider it. But I wouldn't do it over their objections.

At that age they're at such a critical point in their education that I wouldn't want to do anything to risk that.

If they were anything up to and including Y8 I'd consider it, but not otherwise.

Not in a million years. If you’re asking for ‘yes it’s ok’ ... no it’s so obviously not.

PS. I moved to the other side of the world aged 15 for three years for my parents job. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. My older sibling came along and had a gap year there.

I would start looking for a different job - sorry.

I think this is very cultural. I work in academia, and it's very common to find that MSc and PhD students of both sexes have left often quite young children at home with extended family. They rarely go home in the time (sometimes 3+ years) they are here. It always interests me as quite often it's women from countries we see as much less developed in terms of women's autonomy, yet they are making decisions, supported by family, that few UK women would make. I suppose part of it is the way families and households are structured which makes this easier, and also there is a stronger drive to take opportunities when they present as there are fewer of them. These are relatively well off people in their country context, so not a survival strategy. Everyone seems to survive, although it must be hard.