Would you leave your DCs behind?

[Americanoplease]

If you had to move to USA for business purposes, and they didn't want to leave the UK and but want to stay with their dad. Ages 18, 17 and 15.

The OP is a person as well as a mother, when she had her children it wasn’t game over for her, her life wasn’t over. We don’t know what the job is- if she’s contemplating it, it has to be a mighty fine offer, if it’s a step up in her career she needs to consider it.
They won’t thank her for staying and passing up the opportunity because at that age they are self centred and it’s all about them- anyone with teens knows they are selfish, in 20 years time they will not say to OP “thanks mum for staying here and passing on that fab job offer you had in the states” they will assume she did it because ‘she’s their mum’ but kids often forget us mums are people too, and we have just the one life like everyone else.if they are happy to stay with their dad then she should try it for 6 months and take it from there

I have a friend who did this and has regretted it ever since, even though she eventually came back and now seems to have a fairly good relationship with her son. She blames any difficulty with him on those years apart. Teenagers really need to know how much they mean to you, even while they appear to be pushing you away.

I wouldn’t. I remember my mum and step dad seriously considering my emigrating to Australia when I was about 17. I said if they really wanted to they’d have to wait until I went to uni as I wouldn’t be going with them. They never did go. I couldn’t imagine being that far away from my children and they clearly don’t want to go. If you feel like you can cope without each other and can afford to see each other often, then it’s up to you.

SGB

Erm...no it hasn’t? Within living memory it was normal for children to leave school age 14 and get a job. Not move out and be entirely self sufficient.

And no op, I wouldn’t even consider it.

Im waiting at the airport to pick up my 14 year old who has been away for 6 days.

There is no way i would consider this.

Honestly no - because there is so little annual leave in the US!

I know several families-including bil where one parent (the dad if it makes a difference), lives abroad and comes home every three-four months for three weeks at a time. It seems to suit those families but it wouldn’t suit my family.

How much leave would you get? Is it comparable to the situation I describe or is it far more standard (5-6 weeks a year)?

On the surface, No one seemed to bat an eyelid about bil going, extended family (except dh and I) all seemed to be quite supportive of the move. I actually think his relationship with his dds has suffered tbh. They see him far more as a financial source than as a father and I think it’s quite sad.

Personally, I couldn't imagine doing this. However my husband lived apart from his parents at a much younger age. They have a good relationship and he doesn't appear to have suffered any negative impact.

Nope nope nope nope nope

No

No way. Never.

Honestly no - because there is so little annual leave in the US!
That totally depends on your position and it's value to the company. I get 32 days. Annual leave is one of the things you negotiate before taking a job.

Each of yours are exactly a year older than each of mine (17,16 and 14). My question is "Can you contemplate going without them?" I couldn't. I treat mine like adults, especially the older two. I would not see it is my right as a parent to tell them they have to come with me but if they didn't want to, I wouldn't be going anywhere. Tough decision.

No, absolutely not.

The OP is a person as well as a mother, when she had her children it wasn’t game over for her, her life wasn’t over

No, but when I chose to become a mother I accepted that the part of my life that involves completely pleasing myself and buggering off wherever I felt like was over.

I would never do this, ever. My friends mum moved away when he was 15. He now hates his mother and has major relationship issues. He’s 46.

1. if OP’s ex wanted to move to the US for work, half of the people who have said “no way” wouldn’t bat an eyelid.
2. I assume OP has a meaty job. Saying no could mean having to look for another job and with the ages the kids are, I’m making assumptions about OPs age. Finding a new new might not be as easy, so it could be a far reaching decision.
3. given the ages of the kids, the youngest is technically an adult in three years, not a baby.
4. three kids, are they at university? In which case, doing a stint in the US might help pay for that? Or maybe one or more of them could do uni in the states?

PS - I’ve not lived with my parents since I was 16 for similar reasons. As long as the kids have a solid base (dad sounds good) then they will be fine. Your relationship will be fine, especially now technology is as good as it is. Go for it!

Goldi

I’d judge a father just as much. I appreciate I therefore don’t fall into the group you’re referring to but just wanted to make it clear that I think a parent abdicating responsibility and moving across to the other side of the Atlantic is a shitty decision. Doesn’t matter if they’re male or female.

Never in a million years . Hell would have to freeze over first . I haven’t read the thread btw

No, I couldn't do this. I may want to, but I just couldn't.

I reckon we could do without DH for a 6mth stint - maybe - but it would be hard, really hard. The longest he's been away on business before is 3.5 weeks - and that was too long.

I think of myself at 15 being without my mum, and it's just a no.

No, not in a million years. I would actively encourage dh to go though!

The OP is a person as well as a mother, when she had her children it wasn’t game over for her, her life wasn’t over.

No, but when I became a mother, I was no longer the most important person in my life, my DCs are now that. I was responsible for giving them existence, and feel responsible to help them have the best possible life, and to put them first, until they feel ready to make their own way in life. Which isn’t when they’re 15.

I haven't read any responses , but no way would I emigrate and leave my children behind.

How do your children feel about it?

I honestly can't understand why anybody would choose a job over their family, but plenty do.

It really depends on the relationship you have with them now, and the arrangements for when you're away. My parents left me and DB for a job move abroad (Asia) when we were 16 & 17, both in exam years. At the time it was easier as home life had been horrific. But otherwise it was awful. No one to discuss anything with, exams, minor issues or major life choices. Being different. Alone, no backup. Insecure housing arrangements. Financial unreliability. Hopefully none of those would apply to you.

All that might be different now with better communication (this was mid 90s so not even email) and they'll be with their dad, and hopefully have a good relationship with you. But talk to them carefully and really try to understand their point of view, especially if there are tensions or they might just try to say what you want to hear. They're big years to miss, so it's a big decision.

Jobs may come around again - their teenage years won't.

FWIW, I haven't spoken to my parents in a decade, but I don't think it's because they left, but why they left and how. I'm 41.

I also would judge a father as much. it is 3 years until the youngest is off at college. Is it so hard to wait that long? If the OP's job is "meaty" I doubt very much it is the only option available to her.

Doing uni in the US is a very expensive proposition. The 17 and 15 year olds are probably still in school - in a radically different system than the US high school system. Anyway, the kids (understandably) don't want to move) so the choices for the OP are move away from her children including a 15 year old or not.