To think Sons Dad and Step Mum are acting ridiculously?

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I started this thread giving a full background but it would take an hour to read! So trying to keep it simple, got on well with ex, a few arguments but nothing that was never sorted. Had a discussion with ex on Friday whilst picking son up, he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in calmly and I shut up to not escalate things, his wife came out (36 weeks pregnant) and started shouting -

basically they were waiting to eat their tea and as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present! She said about how they need 'their' time. She commented 'call yourself parents' because DS hadn't had his tea yet at 8,45pm but he'd actually had snacks at 5.30pm to last him til after kick boxing with his Dad and I brought pizza in the car. This incensed me as she has no kids yet and DH has been more of a Dad than his biological Dad! I got out of the car from where I was sat and said immediately 'Im not coming to be physical etc. I know you are pregnant but how dare you say that'(BTW I am never physical but wanted to be clear I wasn't a threat) and I stayed at least 5 metres away from her with my ex in the middle of us. She brought up the past (of which she wasn't even with him so obviously has a one sided view) and she has this idea that ex fought to see his son and I didn't let him see him. DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army! We had to push for him to see his son. She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day (you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!), she seems to see this as an infringement of her privacy?! She then said something about how I had left my ex and you 'reap what you sow' (does that mean because I left my ex that I am being punished by hurting my son???)! I said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too but I think I've covered the main issues!

They went in and we drove off (everything about me wanted to keep shouting to them from outside their house but knew that would be a bad idea!). Left it over the weekend and DH said he would try and speak with ex on his own over a coffee as we think wife is pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck.

Fast forward to today, no communication then find he has blocked our numbers. We were previously quite close with ex. He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that (She escalated it!!!) and he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us.

I'm not having that! I need to be able to contact him in case of emergencies as DS is rubbish with his phone. Plus 101 other reasons - discuss sons behaviour, the learning needs assessment I am getting done etc. just general parent conversations!

You wouldn't think just a few weeks ago this man walked in my house with DS and pizza, ate it and then handed my husband the rubbish in a jokey way! He was like an Uncle popping in, friendly and good with our DD aged 4.

As ex has gone nc, so I decided to try and speak with his wife knowing she is pulling the strings and hoping we could smooth things over, we are both teachers in secondary schools so I presumed we could talk civil. I went to their house and managed to see her collecting a parcel off the postman as I approached, I literally said "Can we have a civil conversation please" and she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!" WTAF!

I spoke through the letterbox calmly explaining that we needed to sort this before DS birthday in 3 days and the new baby coming in just 3 weeks, I said please, I RECORDED the whole thing (not faces just pointing at floor) so I can't be accused of threatening behaviour. I left and pulled up around the corner, sent a message saying I was 'pleading with her' to sort this and her parents pulled up and her father said he was ex police(so what?!) and that I needed to stop harassing her, I lost my temper at his discreet threat but maintained I just wanted to talk, would do with them present and they said it was nothing to do with her(!)...I told them she is pulling the strings and that we always got along in the past, they scoffed (obviosuly must know some one sided story I don't) and drove off! I gave it 5 minutes and went back again so they could see I am open to talking even if I am outnumbered. No answer.

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much? He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police etc. He says if its sorted he will see him Friday as planned to take him for tea for his Saturday birthday. We messaged back asking how we can sort this out if he wont talk. He just wont engage.

We are left to pick up the pieces again, DH has taken DS to the cinema.

I've applied to mediation but I'm not sure they will take part as she clearly wants her own family unit. I've also applied now for proper child maintenance, never received any until DS was 10, set it up at half the child maintenance calculator amount as didnt want to cause them financial problems but they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I? Feel a bit rubbish as their baby is due soon and going to hit them financially, but as everyone keeps telling me - that's not my problem and he's got off lightly for years.

So, are they being unreasonable with this refusal to talk and sort things out? We've never had such a terrible relationship, the difference now is the new wife! What would you do next??? I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!

TheDogAteMyPants OP has been waiting 14 years for adequate maintenance. Long enough in my view.

sue I don’t disagree he should pay his way, and he is overdue on doing so, but OP is using maintenance as a weapon. You cannot take this out of context with her other behaviours. Because the OP is the aggressor here. Now is not the time. A month or two won’t make a massive difference, but claiming right now is just going to aggravate the whole situation further.

Oh I absolutely agree with you Sue51 but why the hell didn't OP approach CMS years ago?

It's clear that it's not the money that's the issue if she has waited 4 years and is only submitting a claim the day after a slanging match in the street.

Frankly, it doesn't matter why she is doing this now. The money is support for her child. A parent who does not pay a penny for 10 years has no cause to complain about anything. OP hasnt covered herself in glory but if this is the catalyst to stop her ex's financial abuse, crack on .

sue the OP is complaining, not the ex! And tbh the only behaviour I can see here warranting complaint is her own.
If they agreed a lower rate of maintenance in the past, that’s not financial abuse FFS. She could have gone to the CMS at any time during those ten years, but she’s doing it now. The timing not motivated because of the money or lack of payments, it’s motivated to get back at her ex and his wife. She is fair to go to the CMS, no argument with that, but it’s spiteful timing.

Posted before I meant to. What happens then if the OP says to her ex that she’ll withdraw the claim if they reinstate contact. Whose financial abuse then?

TheDog as I said, the OP hasn't covered herself in glory. The ex did not pay maintenance for 10 years. If the OP provided nothing for her child, that would be abusive why should the NRP have a free ride?

OP, I think you are jealous that ex is about to have a new baby and it is clouding your judgement.

You didn't think getting maintenance for your son was that important before this dramatic outburst. You left it unresolved for 10 years and then accepted a lower rate for the past 4 years. Only now that you are anxious ex will spend money on the new baby is it important to sort it out via CMS.

You boast about your previously matey relationship with the ex and even claim you went back and shouted through the letterbox in desperation to keep the friendly relationship going. Those daily calls to DS when he is with his father are I suspect less about keeping tabs on the 14 year old and more about finding out what your ex is doing.

, preferring to keep quiet about it so she could enjoy a matey relationship with the ex.

sue do you even read other people's posts? Yes the OP is entitled to it, but ffs her timing is vindictive. Not claiming the money, THE TIMING.

It’s not news that children cost money. The ex could have voluntarily paid the correct rate of maintenance at any point during the last 12 years. Op was doing them a solid letting them away with it for so long, just like she was doing them a solid changing her plans and putting herself out to (attempt to) accommodate their need for ‘me time’/showers/child free meal time. I’d have seen red too tbh to get a load of earache instead of thanks —but i hope i’d have acted less mental—. What she said getting out of the car and the shouting through the letterbox were bang out of order, but the applying for correct maintenance? Nnaaah, i’d be disinclined to do them any more favours too, given their stroppy ungrateful attitude n all.

But now op you need to respect what ex and his wife have said to you and leave them alone. What the wife said about ‘me time’ rings alarm bells and i am sure that when the baby comes they will be ducking out of contact with your ds. Perhaps it will do them good to have to say it directly to him instead of contacting you for you to break it to him gently. Just remember to be there for him as he will need you - you MUST apologise to him for kicking off in the street like a rougharse.

The variation in standards on here re what makes an adequate/good mother vs what makes an adequate/good father are laughable sometimes.

If he hasn't paid maintenance for 10 years and only a low amount for 4 years, I really don't think the man can complain about timing. Maybe he can pay her back for freeloading off her for the past 14 years. I give not one shit that the person who has not supported his son for 14 Years might consider her timing vindictive.

I get the issue about the money, I just think it's sad that OP has left it to right this moment to do anything about it.

I can't see any way back from this. Relationships will be frosty at best from now on and that is so sad for the DS.

@llangennith I think people don't believe the OP is a teacher given the terrible way in which the OP has been written. Not necessarily because they think teachers are above any of the rest of it.

You are and always have been entitled to the CMS- but your timing seems goady and spiteful. You could (should) have claimed for the last 12 years. But now another baby is on the way he should (always should have) pay up? And you've never thought to mention it- but wanted to as soon as you'd fought with them? You seem very passive aggressive and then surprised when things go pair shaped. His wife didn't want to eat in front of him/ probably because it looks rude and exclusive to have her and his dad sit for a meal whilst he hovers in the background. I would never eat a meal in front of someone who wasn't eating- it's uncomfortable and lacking in manners. Your ex should have specified a time with you- that was wrong he didn't. He obviously assumed (dangerous) you'd pick up your son soon after the class finished, as opposed to at some point. He seems useless, you seem to revel in smug 'rightness' you feel about the situation. Not great on either side, the poor kid

Don’t really get why your ex needing to have a shower means he couldn’t also have given the DS his tea and a lift home afterwards as planned, personally.

SD1988

Non payment of maintenance is a funny thing. It is difficult to accept in the early stages, causes huge bitterness and upset but eventually you learn to deal with it and ‘move on’. None of that makes it ok and I personally despise women who knowingly go on to have long term relationships and additional children with such people. And that’s nothing compared with what I feel about these non-payers themselves. It is disgusting and speaks volumes about morals and priorities. For me, a seemingly small thing sent me back to the CMS after many years of not bothering and yes, the timing was terrible. But whilst sometimes it is OK to sit back and manage and deal with it the best you can, others there is a need to do something. It’s not so much about revenge but a deep seated sense of injustice that you have swallowed but events bring bubbling back to the surface.

I don’t think you can blame the OP for expecting her ex to support his children. The only person responsible is the ex (and his partner if she has walked into the situation knowingly). This whole situation sounds to me like a bringing to the surface of deep resentment on one side and guilt on the other that both sides have ignored ‘in the best interests of the children’.

What’s done is done. OP will need to make her peace with it and move on. The relationship, such as it was, is ruined, but the OP is not solely to blame for that.

What an interesting way to divert the thread.

I actually think you’ve been given a hard time here OP.

IMO your ex should have fed DS as he changed the plans, making him late home.

The rest of it is bonkers. It sounds as though a LOT has happened over the years which has brought you to where you are now. You all need grow up and remember that there’s a 14 year old boy at the centre of this situation who will ultimately be suffering as a consequence.

In future, let DS make his own contact arrangements and only communicate with your ex when absolutely necessary. Leave DS alone when he’s with his Dad.

Cancelling contact at the last minute is out of order unless there was genuine reason.