To think Sons Dad and Step Mum are acting ridiculously?

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I started this thread giving a full background but it would take an hour to read! So trying to keep it simple, got on well with ex, a few arguments but nothing that was never sorted. Had a discussion with ex on Friday whilst picking son up, he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in calmly and I shut up to not escalate things, his wife came out (36 weeks pregnant) and started shouting -

basically they were waiting to eat their tea and as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present! She said about how they need 'their' time. She commented 'call yourself parents' because DS hadn't had his tea yet at 8,45pm but he'd actually had snacks at 5.30pm to last him til after kick boxing with his Dad and I brought pizza in the car. This incensed me as she has no kids yet and DH has been more of a Dad than his biological Dad! I got out of the car from where I was sat and said immediately 'Im not coming to be physical etc. I know you are pregnant but how dare you say that'(BTW I am never physical but wanted to be clear I wasn't a threat) and I stayed at least 5 metres away from her with my ex in the middle of us. She brought up the past (of which she wasn't even with him so obviously has a one sided view) and she has this idea that ex fought to see his son and I didn't let him see him. DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army! We had to push for him to see his son. She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day (you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!), she seems to see this as an infringement of her privacy?! She then said something about how I had left my ex and you 'reap what you sow' (does that mean because I left my ex that I am being punished by hurting my son???)! I said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too but I think I've covered the main issues!

They went in and we drove off (everything about me wanted to keep shouting to them from outside their house but knew that would be a bad idea!). Left it over the weekend and DH said he would try and speak with ex on his own over a coffee as we think wife is pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck.

Fast forward to today, no communication then find he has blocked our numbers. We were previously quite close with ex. He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that (She escalated it!!!) and he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us.

I'm not having that! I need to be able to contact him in case of emergencies as DS is rubbish with his phone. Plus 101 other reasons - discuss sons behaviour, the learning needs assessment I am getting done etc. just general parent conversations!

You wouldn't think just a few weeks ago this man walked in my house with DS and pizza, ate it and then handed my husband the rubbish in a jokey way! He was like an Uncle popping in, friendly and good with our DD aged 4.

As ex has gone nc, so I decided to try and speak with his wife knowing she is pulling the strings and hoping we could smooth things over, we are both teachers in secondary schools so I presumed we could talk civil. I went to their house and managed to see her collecting a parcel off the postman as I approached, I literally said "Can we have a civil conversation please" and she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!" WTAF!

I spoke through the letterbox calmly explaining that we needed to sort this before DS birthday in 3 days and the new baby coming in just 3 weeks, I said please, I RECORDED the whole thing (not faces just pointing at floor) so I can't be accused of threatening behaviour. I left and pulled up around the corner, sent a message saying I was 'pleading with her' to sort this and her parents pulled up and her father said he was ex police(so what?!) and that I needed to stop harassing her, I lost my temper at his discreet threat but maintained I just wanted to talk, would do with them present and they said it was nothing to do with her(!)...I told them she is pulling the strings and that we always got along in the past, they scoffed (obviosuly must know some one sided story I don't) and drove off! I gave it 5 minutes and went back again so they could see I am open to talking even if I am outnumbered. No answer.

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much? He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police etc. He says if its sorted he will see him Friday as planned to take him for tea for his Saturday birthday. We messaged back asking how we can sort this out if he wont talk. He just wont engage.

We are left to pick up the pieces again, DH has taken DS to the cinema.

I've applied to mediation but I'm not sure they will take part as she clearly wants her own family unit. I've also applied now for proper child maintenance, never received any until DS was 10, set it up at half the child maintenance calculator amount as didnt want to cause them financial problems but they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I? Feel a bit rubbish as their baby is due soon and going to hit them financially, but as everyone keeps telling me - that's not my problem and he's got off lightly for years.

So, are they being unreasonable with this refusal to talk and sort things out? We've never had such a terrible relationship, the difference now is the new wife! What would you do next??? I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!

oh....you have the option of using email to discuss ds related stuff
if you can be mature and behave yourselves he might reinstate phone contact

It needs reiterating again....When I dropped my DS off, there was NO arrangement for us to collect him, ex should have been bringing him home. When I left, ex rang me and asked if we could collect him, I said I would try as had things to do. Then he text to say it as a definite ' I cannot bring him home because he had to have tea and a shower'. I changed my plans to accommodate him as I often do. There was no time set in stone so I was not late.

We did our jobs and went for tea at Pizza hut not thinking there would be any issue

There's your issue RIGHT there.

You knew ex wanted you to get your DS but you buggered off to pizza hut! Why not get DS and all go together for pizza?

I think you are a nightmare OP, although she also said some inflammatory stuff, your behaviour is very aggressive even if not phish all.

You need to leave Ex and DS to sort out contact. You have to accept the only contact you will have for emergencies is DS's phone reliable or not. Perhaps don't contact him daily when he is with his dad ( he can contact you if he wants) I realise he came out your vagina but he is becoming a young adult

If you have an email address for ex use that to let him know that is how you will be communicating from now on. Only email essential stuff. If there are reports from school/assessments ask them to send him a copy.

Lots of people have minimal contact with exs. You are being unreasonable if you let this affect contact.

Wow.
I'm sorry OP, you sound a bit of a nutter.
Leave letterboxes alone,
Contact Ex through email only and only when absolutely necessary,
Wind your neck in.
The woman's pregnant ffs, you seem to want to be top dog.

I don't want this to affect contact, but my ex's history it has always been us who has pushed for contact and tonight he has let him down straight away with 15 minutes notice.

If anyone wants to ask me targeted questions I will answer them because I am not 'running away from a thread not going my way' but I've tried to explain certain things several times over to different people and it's obviously causing confusion so I won't keep trying.

I have taken every single post on board, truly, my attempts to explain myself just end up backfiring I get that, but I am listening.

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan Wed 22-Aug-18 23:49:58
"OP for future reference (I suspect you’ll need it) as soon as someone starts laying into you, regardless of what they’re saying, you get in your car and leave. You’re a hothead- you need to leave as soon as a situation gets iffy. You can’t control yourself so you need to get out of there. Honestly, you win nothing by responding to her insults. Nothing at all. You do lose something though."

Truly my favourite post on this thread. You are right. If I had kept quite and driven off I would have kept the moral high ground so I am kicking myself for that. Even going round today, I talked it over with someone who always keeps me on track to not overreact etc and who always looks at the bigger picture and they agreed I should try speaking with her so i didn't do it on a whim or in the heat of the moment. Which I agree will open up some more frank comments no doubt :D

Sadly there is form though from them of extreme reactions to minor things (truly, ex text me that he loved me by mistake meaning to send to wife and I text back saying 'sorry I am married but I will always care for you haha'. He replied 'lol meant for WIFE' or something along those lines then a few days later DS was no longer allowed to sleep over and that went on for months with the sleepover ban!? The reasoning being I didn't trust my ex??? Yep I was puzzled too!) so I still think the outcome would have been the same, he would have still blocked us etc. even if I had not reacted.

Is that a subtle threat I detect about future contact and not willing to be flexible? If so, you need to catch yourself on. Your son is 14 not 4 and that type of behaviour will blow up quickly in your face.

Anyway, this has been cathartic. Thanks all! I am not going to contact them any further, great ideas about giving school his contact details etc. too.

I expect he will be in contact when he recieved CM letter anyway. Sidenote: no this wasn't done out of spite, I would have liked to have spoken with him rather than go through CM as their are other factors at play including a phone contract but as he has gone NC we cannot sort it out with him. We have long worried that DS would be pushed out when a new baby came so we had always planned to secure the extra CM so that ex doesn't prioritise new child over DS financially. (Isn't there a saying about don't have more children if you cannot afford the ones you have? ). It does feel like poor timing but he has 8 years of not paying and 4 years at half the mount he should so I need to put DS first now.

OP, your son is 14. He can see his dad on his own, make his own arrangements and you don't even have to speak to your ex or his partner.

Leave them alone. Just stop now.

All this could have been avoided if you just collected ds when they asked you to, and if you didn't have a slanging match when you collected him..if you just bit your tongue and collected him then none of this would have happen, all that it has achieved is bad feeling on both sides and your poor son stuck in the middle, and now if you keep contacting them they will likely have you arrested for harassment..and that was so wrong to be yelling at a pregnant woman, and then going back and yelling some more,

I don't want this to affect contact, but my ex's history it has always been us who has pushed for contact and tonight he has let him down straight away with 15 minutes notice.

Your ex’s contact with his child is his responsibility. If he lets his son down, your son deserves to see that and see his father for who he truly is. Your job is to be there to comfort your son when his father lets him down. It isn’t your job to nanny his father and make sure it doesn’t happen. You have to let go and let them organise their own contact. You’re holding on way too tight.

@TrippingtheVelvet

I'm not sure what you mean?

Op you do realise that if your son loses contact with his father, step mum and his future half siblings he will blame you and resent you eventually because this is all your fault, if you kept your mouth shut this all could have been avoided and everyone would have stayed on civil terms...

He will soon learn that this is less than ideal, when it actually would benefit him to be able to communicate with us if he wanted to change contact days etc

I read this as you'll be less flexible if he needs to change a day unless he comes directly through you? If you meant what does catch yourself on mean, it's slang for stop being an arsehole.

Sadly if you say these things have been building up and she wants your son out of the picture your ex seems to be weak enough to allow it. I would be preparing for picking up the emotional damage with each cancelled contact. She came out with her bitchy comment first pregnant or not that’s not acceptable though rather than getting angry try realising this is the type of person she is and you will not change her. Maybe if your ex resumes contact with you then you can discuss it with him and he may then realise what’s happening and step up while being a reliable and consistent figure in your sons life. I have my doubts though. Sounds like your ex has demonised you which she will have loved as it means she much better than you in her eyes.

@Anxious2niteaaah explained repeatedly, there was no time set. I was accommodating ex by collecting son when he changed the plans from him dropping him off at our house to him not being able to do that as he need to eat and shower. I changed my plans to collect my son. I had other things to do first. I was compromising instead of insisting he brought him home. I took DD for food because she was hungry and couldnt be in two places at the same time.
We dropped DS at his Dads at 5.30pm.
We went to shops to do some jobs (retail park)
At 7pm instead of going home to meet DS, we went for food as we had nothing else to do and a hungry child.
We went into restaurant at 7.00pm, kickboxing finished at 7.30pm but they stayed until 7.45pm (talking I presume).
Ex and DS would have gotten home at 8pm.
8.10pm ex text asking how long we would be, I said "just eating desserts"
We left restaurant at 8.35pm
8.44pm a text asking how long I would be, but was pulling up to their house.
Collected DS at 8.45pm.

@PerfectPenquins Thu 23-Aug-18 00:44:38
"Sadly if you say these things have been building up and she wants your son out of the picture your ex seems to be weak enough to allow it. I would be preparing for picking up the emotional damage with each cancelled contact. She came out with her bitchy comment first pregnant or not that’s not acceptable though rather than getting angry try realising this is the type of person she is and you will not change her. Maybe if your ex resumes contact with you then you can discuss it with him and he may then realise what’s happening and step up while being a reliable and consistent figure in your sons life. I have my doubts though. Sounds like your ex has demonised you which she will have loved as it means she much better than you in her in her eyes."

Thank you. I agree, I felt for him to some extent because he is clearly getting pressure from both sides but from her parents reaction to me saying " we used to get on great" (scoffing laugh) and her claiming ex used to have to 'fight to see him' (before they even met, and its completely untrue he just made no effort) I am guessing he has given everyone a one sided version of our history so I am also cross he has done this and caused such a huge bubbling resentment.

My DH is wonderful and is really his father. Ex is more of a Fun Uncle Dad, its my DH who has always been there for him, sat through school events, school meetings, took care of him when ill etc. It's DH who has had rubbish mobile phones so that DS could have the latest tech paid for by DH whilst ex sat flashing off the latest iphones and apple watches. I just hope one day my son appreciates its this man that has provided for him, financially and emotionally and day or night put him first. I am grateful for this man :)

Hi op, it isn't his 18th/21st or wedding just yet,

The poor woman is heavily pregnant, tired full of raging hormones and just wanted to be left alone and probably try and finish the rest of her pregnancy off in peace.

You though clearly wanted to not leave her in peace and wanted it all your own way there and then, I get that his birthday is soon but he is far away from being 18/21 and getting married so there would of been plenty of time .. AFTER she has given birth to try and sort it all out.. bit instead you have gone in all guns blazing wanting to get your point across and you have picked the wrong time in doing so, and for that I don't blame them for blocking you as you have been harrassing them as they didn't want to speak to you.

Your best bet now is to wait a few months until she has had the baby, and then apologize for your reaction and the way you have behaved today as it was appuling to a heavily pregnant woman, and then try and sort things out..as you keep saying about him turning 18, 21 and wedding etc your a long way off and have plenty of time to try and get to a good place.. just don't contact them again for a while until after the baby is born as she already has enough on her plate..

Sorry op but you have been massively unreasonable in these circumstances.

The fact that you have only just decided to claim full child maintenance due to them not talking to you, makes you come across as a little malicious and petty.

I am not suggesting that you are not entitled to it however, just how you only decided to do it when you were not getting your own way seems telling as to the reason new wife has reacted like this.

Maybe you overstep boundaries. Being late, expecting to know what they are doing daily, and insisting on contact sounds very invasive to her life.

Driving off would have been the best option.

You need to learn better diplomacy and avoid escalating conflict. Ask yourself how a petty argument has got you to this point. It doesn't matter who was right about driving DS back.

Your divide and rule tactics won't work. Your DH trying to talk to your ex on his own is ridiculous and you should not be contacting her because "she is pulling the strings". Did you really think that would be an effective way to resolve it?

They are a married couple ffs. It's none of your business who is pulling whose strings. Even if she is an evil mastermind out to get you so what? You are not going to talk sense into her.

You need to deal with your ex directly and not contact her. Tell your DH not to get involved also.

You have no reason to talk to her. If she talks to you when you are doing pick ups, be civil and avoid arguing at all costs. It takes two to fight. All this could have been avoided if you had said "Sorry I'm late. I thought ex was picking up" and left it at that.

I suggest you give them a couple of weeks to cool off the write to your ex in conciliatory tone, apologise for your behaviour and try to move forward from there.

You and she sound unbelievably fish wifey. For a start, no-one 'eats tea,' they drink tea. I'd hate to be your son, showing me up like that

Really? Seriously? I eat tea everyday. What are you (not particularly subtley) implying about the OP? Fishwife? That she’s loud and common because she has a different regional turn of phrase to you?

Wow.

@Purpleneonpinkunicorns

Ex blocked our phones after arguing which is why I felt I needed to speak with her, to calm things down and get them to see that blocking was not sensible. I can accept taking things to basics but there was nothing even said along the lines of 'bare minimum contact'. To go from being very friendly with him to blocked suggests a lot of manipulation I think?

I don;t have to take insults from anyone.

Perhaps not, but the adult thing to do would have been to not engage with her.

You are setting yourself up for massive problems with your son OP. What were you thinking with all of this ridiculous dramatic posturing? Drama drama drama, like you're living on the set of EastEnders.

If you were my child's teacher (are you REALLY a teacher?) I'm sorry to say I would have huge concerns about your maturity levels and suitability for the job.

Sharing care of a child is never going to be easy (I speak from experience) and it can only work for all parties with a degree of compromise and flexibility on both sides. There's no room for point scoring control-freaks in this arrangement and your son needs to be treated with respect, and deserves reliable adults in his life. How on earth do you think all of this is making him feel? I have a feeling you're going to be finding out very soon.

To go from being very friendly with him to blocked suggests a lot of manipulation I think?

Not at all. It sends a very clear message that your behaviour is unnacceptable to them and they no longer wish for you to have access to them incase you repeat your behaviour. They don’t need to let you know they are going “bare minimum contact” the blocking tells you that very clearly. They don’t want you contacting them. When they do, they will get in touch with you.