To think Sons Dad and Step Mum are acting ridiculously?

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I started this thread giving a full background but it would take an hour to read! So trying to keep it simple, got on well with ex, a few arguments but nothing that was never sorted. Had a discussion with ex on Friday whilst picking son up, he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in calmly and I shut up to not escalate things, his wife came out (36 weeks pregnant) and started shouting -

basically they were waiting to eat their tea and as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present! She said about how they need 'their' time. She commented 'call yourself parents' because DS hadn't had his tea yet at 8,45pm but he'd actually had snacks at 5.30pm to last him til after kick boxing with his Dad and I brought pizza in the car. This incensed me as she has no kids yet and DH has been more of a Dad than his biological Dad! I got out of the car from where I was sat and said immediately 'Im not coming to be physical etc. I know you are pregnant but how dare you say that'(BTW I am never physical but wanted to be clear I wasn't a threat) and I stayed at least 5 metres away from her with my ex in the middle of us. She brought up the past (of which she wasn't even with him so obviously has a one sided view) and she has this idea that ex fought to see his son and I didn't let him see him. DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army! We had to push for him to see his son. She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day (you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!), she seems to see this as an infringement of her privacy?! She then said something about how I had left my ex and you 'reap what you sow' (does that mean because I left my ex that I am being punished by hurting my son???)! I said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too but I think I've covered the main issues!

They went in and we drove off (everything about me wanted to keep shouting to them from outside their house but knew that would be a bad idea!). Left it over the weekend and DH said he would try and speak with ex on his own over a coffee as we think wife is pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck.

Fast forward to today, no communication then find he has blocked our numbers. We were previously quite close with ex. He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that (She escalated it!!!) and he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us.

I'm not having that! I need to be able to contact him in case of emergencies as DS is rubbish with his phone. Plus 101 other reasons - discuss sons behaviour, the learning needs assessment I am getting done etc. just general parent conversations!

You wouldn't think just a few weeks ago this man walked in my house with DS and pizza, ate it and then handed my husband the rubbish in a jokey way! He was like an Uncle popping in, friendly and good with our DD aged 4.

As ex has gone nc, so I decided to try and speak with his wife knowing she is pulling the strings and hoping we could smooth things over, we are both teachers in secondary schools so I presumed we could talk civil. I went to their house and managed to see her collecting a parcel off the postman as I approached, I literally said "Can we have a civil conversation please" and she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!" WTAF!

I spoke through the letterbox calmly explaining that we needed to sort this before DS birthday in 3 days and the new baby coming in just 3 weeks, I said please, I RECORDED the whole thing (not faces just pointing at floor) so I can't be accused of threatening behaviour. I left and pulled up around the corner, sent a message saying I was 'pleading with her' to sort this and her parents pulled up and her father said he was ex police(so what?!) and that I needed to stop harassing her, I lost my temper at his discreet threat but maintained I just wanted to talk, would do with them present and they said it was nothing to do with her(!)...I told them she is pulling the strings and that we always got along in the past, they scoffed (obviosuly must know some one sided story I don't) and drove off! I gave it 5 minutes and went back again so they could see I am open to talking even if I am outnumbered. No answer.

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much? He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police etc. He says if its sorted he will see him Friday as planned to take him for tea for his Saturday birthday. We messaged back asking how we can sort this out if he wont talk. He just wont engage.

We are left to pick up the pieces again, DH has taken DS to the cinema.

I've applied to mediation but I'm not sure they will take part as she clearly wants her own family unit. I've also applied now for proper child maintenance, never received any until DS was 10, set it up at half the child maintenance calculator amount as didnt want to cause them financial problems but they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I? Feel a bit rubbish as their baby is due soon and going to hit them financially, but as everyone keeps telling me - that's not my problem and he's got off lightly for years.

So, are they being unreasonable with this refusal to talk and sort things out? We've never had such a terrible relationship, the difference now is the new wife! What would you do next??? I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!

Maybe there is some manipulation on her/his part, but unfortunately you have played right into there hands of 'being the crazy one' (not saying your crazy btw but just how people who could of been in the street have perceived it).

As there is now no contact due to blockings, I suggest just for now let your ds arrange when he wants to see his dad and maybe send them a letter through the post or with ds with an apology and then try and all get back on the right track again.

It most probably is hormones on her part and it does sound like her farther tries to intimidate yourself, and probably has been manipulative but your best bet is not to play into her hands.

Regarding the child maintenance I don't actually think k you have done anything wrong in it, as at the end of the day your ex should pay for his child and you and your DH were considerate for letting him pay half whilst on friendly terms, and seen as they have stopped that why should you and your dh foot the full bill for bringing up your ds. So I think you have done the right thing.

Just keep your head held high and apologiese for the way you behaved by constant trying to sort things out when the time is right.

I can't believe the amount of posts here attacking OP.

Just because a woman is pregnant does not give her the right to start shouting and arguing with people. To completely cut communications after having a good relationship previously is just a further act of provocation and no doubt pregnant wife is feeling very smug. She has clearly felt put out by the good relationship between her DH and his ex which most people call 'co-parenting' - working together not alongside each other.

The pregnant wife would do well to put herself in OPs shoes as this could quite easily be her in 14 years time.

Letting that child down tonight without explanation smacks of an indirect attempt to punish OP through her son.

OP has raised that child when her X has not and she deserves more respect.

Also wondering why pregnant wife got involved in a discussion between the ex and now DH. OP clearly stated she kept quiet to allow her DH to deal with her less than calm ex.

Oh wow what a mess.

Your ex was wrong with the pick up. You weren't late, you weren't even meant to pick up after kick boxing.

Now you have no contact do you think your ex will still do kick boxing?

Poor boy.

Claim cms for sure.

Don't contact them again. If they can't be bothered with your ds its not because of you.

Be there for your ds.

Also, saying that you will probably hear from ex H when they receive the letter, sounds like you have done it to provoke a reaction. saying you would like to have talked to them about it but couldn't because they have gone no contact sounds alike a justification for your actions.

It appears as though you are threatened by them having a new baby and this is more about you than your son.

Get the maintenance, and let him contact your son regarding visits. Your ex can pick up and drop off, you don't need to talk to your ex at all.

Omg. I think you acted like a complete bozo even if they "started" it. Just because they started it doesn't mean you have to finish it. You could've picked up your son and sorted it out later.

It is abundantly clear that YOU are the problem here OP. Although, with every sentence trying to justify your pathetic actions, it's also abundantly clear you aren't going to accept that.

Your language, your actions, everything is inflammatory and malicious and you're too far in to come back from that. Your son will be the one to suffer due to your actions but, hey, keep it up until you 'win'

“Get the maintenance, and let him contact your son regarding visits. Your ex can pick up and drop off, you don't need to talk to your ex at all.”

Agree with this entirely

Op you have acted like a feral loon as has been stated, and sadly lost the moral high ground in the process but i feel your ex & his partner are getting a super easy ride here as they abvu

1. ex not paying for his child properly in over a decade while going on to have another

2. grown adult man not sticking to arrangements re taking ds home because he needed to ‘shower and have tea’ - err he could shower and eat with ds and then bring him home, esp since you have a younger child to put to bed

3. having a go at you for not having fed your ds by 8.45 when he was with them so they were the ones who hadn’t fed him especially since

4. they moaned about having to wait to eat so presumably there was food on the premises, why didn’t they just all eat together?

5. him dicking your ds about re contact is vvvvvvu and way nastier and pettier than you seeking proper cm. contact and maintenance are both for the benefit of the child, one person here is acting in the child’s interests and the other to their detriment.

However you wbu for fishwifing like a loon and not giving an eta when you decided to go and eat - i would have texted to say ‘dd is hungry so we need to go and eat, i’ll be over for ds at x time, do you mind feeding him, thanks see you in a bit’

He changed the arrangements then got stroppy. You were doing him a favour by accommodating him. He should have been more gracious. He sounds like he’s not massively cut out for fatherhood as no doubt his dp will discover shortly.

How to move forward? Well respect their wishes not to contact them obvs. Apologise to your ds for creating a scene and putting him in an awkward position. Explain that ppl have rows sometimes and are not always their best selves and that you will never ever do anything like that again, that you love him and are there for him always and that you want him to feel ok about going to his dad’s

You sound very controlling and unreasonable.

I think that ex did the right thing when he blocked your phone. You created far too much drama for his pregnant wife and your children (talking through the letter box, messaging via son's Xbox etc) It sounds like distance is needed between you both.

I would feel awkward about eating my dinner if there was a teen in the house who wasn't eating. It's mind boggling that you'd shout at her for this

Step mum isn't an angel who did nothing wrong but it sounds like you were far too intense and Jeremy Kyle. You say stuff like you want your ex to fight for your son but it sounds like he will still pick him up as usual too.

You place a lot of blame on the stepmum ("pulling the strings" is used a lot in your post) but your post suggests that you are the shit stirrer who added petrol to the flames over a miscommunication over pick up.

Your children must be mortified about you behavior. I hope that nobody from their school lives on their Dad's street.

Blocking someone on your phone isn't usually a permanent thing. It's the phone version of sitting on your hands/biting your tongue. If you don't read their texts, you won't send something bad that will inflame things.

It sounds like the ex and his wife like having time and space to get over things unlike the OP who likes to resolve things quickly,

A case of four adults behaving very badly.

Why, when it was apparent there had been a mix-up regarding pick up/drop off and a pregnant woman was off her trolley, you didn't just leave quickly with the intention of having a few days go by, some water under the bridge then sorting it our rationally with your ex-DH is baffling.

Anyway, he is 14yo. His dad can arrange things with him including pick up/drop off. If his dad let's him down then that's on his dad and his son will see him for what he is. You don't need to contact a 14yo daily when he is at his dads house. If the 14yo has a phone and there is some problem he will call you, step back.

I had a friend with separated parents that could not stand each other. When she turned 12yo the mandated contact arrangement stopped and her dad would organise things directly with her. This was done with agreement of both parents as she was now starting high school and had her own social life which they didn't want impeded by strict contact arrangements. He would call her on the home phone in the afternoons after school when mum was still at work (no mobiles in those days). Her mum left a list of dates/times that were not suitable beside the phone, my friend then factored in days/times that were not suitable for her if she wanted to see friends/had movie organised/there was a party etc and they went from there. Friend informed her mum of the day/time arranged with the dad and this was locked in the calendar. That was 12yo in the 'old days'. At 14yo with the joys of modern technology it seriously can't be that difficult.

I'm sorry- he's 14 and with his dad. No you don't need to call him every morning to know his precise movements for the day- he can out of your vagina almost 15 years ago/ maybe it's time to let the umbilical chord fall off? You're harassed a heavily preganant woman- talking at her through a letter box when she had made it clear she didn't want to talk to you. I know you want to blame them for everything- but I think you need to look at your own behaviour. You questioning what kind of parent she'll be is what started this- you need to accept some responsibility.

I suspect there is some tension around who provides food for your boy, her/them or you. They may have felt you left it so long that they would have to feed him, hence them not starting the meal. Is it a money thing?

YWBVVVVVVVVVVVVU and behaved like one of JK’s most treasured guests. Many of them will not have had some of your advantages in life. I guess you are probably embarrassed now, although judging by your posts perhaps not!

You all need to get a grip.

I can't believe you're a teacher.

I agree that the OP overreacted but can’t understand why her ex and his wife didn’t just feed her DS whilst they were waiting for him to be collected? OP couldn’t have collected him earlier as he was at kick boxing, so prioritised feeding her DD who was no doubt bored of waiting for her brother to be ready. Meanwhile, instead of EX, his wife and the DS all eating dinner together, they wait for him to be collected and then have the nerve to criticise OP for not dropping everything to accommodate their inability to feed/drop back DS. You overreacted OP, but I get why you were pissed off. I think it would have been helpful to state the specific timings in your first post as that shows your EX’s and his wife’s initial behaviour to be unreasonable.

You sound a bit not-sensible...and is definitely make sure my dc had dinner before 8:45. I don't fully follow the discussion but it can't be easy when you don't get on with exh new dp. It all sounds a bit tit-for-tat. Hope you all get your shit together for the sake of ds.

But how can the OP make sure he is fed if he’s at his dad’s? He didn’t get back from kick boxing till 8, while OP was eating with her DD waiting for DS to be ready. Why can’t his dad feed him ffs?!

Your son is 14 and doesn't need his mother to arrange to see his father. Back off and leave them to it.

In short, imho OP behaved reasonably up until EX’s wife’s comment about her parenting. Then completely overreacted and played into their hands. Ex should have dropped DS off first as initially planned instead of prioritising a shower and ‘me time’ dinner with wife or at the very least given his DS some food whilst waiting for OP (who’d changed her plans despite having younger DD to consider to accommodate a grown man needing a shower) to collect DS. All of the adults need to communicate more effectively and stop playing power games.

@Failbydefault she can't.

The OP cannot control her ex and what he does on his time. It is up to her 14 year old son to ask for food or drink if he's with his father.

Some people particularly men are just shit about thinking about a child's needs. I know adults who as children who still remember their father refusing to give them drinks when they were thirsty and on a day out due to the fathsr not wanting to spend money and not coming with water. There as if they were also acompanied by their stepmother/dad's new partner as well on a day out they got them as they came prepared.

So I can understand why the OP ex's new partner refuses to eat in front of the son whether it's a meal or snacking, especially as the OP and ex seem to have an issue communicating with each other let alone other people.

Yes I agree she can’t control how the dad behaves, but she shouldn’t be blamed for her son being hungry when he’s been with his dad the whole time.

OP
It’s worth taking a look over in step-parenting. There’s been a few posts there in recent months from stepmums who find their feelings changing towards their step children when they have a child of their own (even when things have been very good). This will give you some idea of what might come next - so you are braced to help your son through things.
Not that you have a choice now! But you should drop all contact with the step mum and do everything through the dad. To the extent of pretty much blanking her if you need to. (A hello would be civil though!)
You are right to get maintenance sorted. There’s no excuse for him to pay less than the calculated amount.

Do you realise OP that all the way through this very long, very one sided thread you’ve posted, that not once, not one single time, do you consider the impact of your actions on your son?

I speak as someone who has an XH that is so far beyond shit I have teeth marks in my tongue every time the bastard comes to my house to get DS1. He’s goady, provocative, passive aggressive and sometimes just looking for a row. Ditto his gobshite wife.

But I won’t react, do you know why?

Because I love my son more than I need to be right.

Arguing in the street? God almighty your son must have been mortified with the lot of you.

And the refusing to leave and talking through the letterbox does sound an awful lot like harassment.

Let your son organise contact, you are far too invested in getting one over your ex’s new wife, and seem to be using your son to get up her nose. Nasty, petty, damaging to your son and frankly fucking childish.

Now I’m sure you’ll have an answer to all my points, as you’ve had an answer for everything already.

Easy to manipulate and bullshit strangers on the internet.

Not so easy to do face to face with your own child who, thanks to his parents and stepparents, appears to be in the middle of a circus in which none of the adults can actually be an adult!

This all reads as if you have been spoiling for a fight for a long time. She gave you an opening and you grabbed it with both hands.

She might have been unreasonable about your late pick up but you were in the wrong the second you stepped out of the car and uttered the words ‘I’m not coming to be physical BUT......’ loud enough to be heard from 15+ feet away. You then escalated the entire thing to the point of refusing to leave her home when asked but instead trying to have a reasonable discussion through the letter box. Can you hear how ridiculous that sounds?

The focus of your posts seems to be on how you and your DH feel about your EX and the dynamic between him and her which in the grand scheme of things is irrelevant and none of your business. He is 14 years old and can run his own relationship with his dad. Of course he needs support from you to do this, particularly if his step mum is a tricky character, but I fail to see how making scenes in the street is supporting him.

You could continue to be self righteous and indignant if you want and try to clear the air/set matters straight but it would probably just make things worse and the only person who will really suffer is your son. Try to step back here. Let your DS contact his dad in the way he wants to. Send a nice card when the baby is born and start building bridges.