To think Sons Dad and Step Mum are acting ridiculously?

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I started this thread giving a full background but it would take an hour to read! So trying to keep it simple, got on well with ex, a few arguments but nothing that was never sorted. Had a discussion with ex on Friday whilst picking son up, he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in calmly and I shut up to not escalate things, his wife came out (36 weeks pregnant) and started shouting -

basically they were waiting to eat their tea and as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present! She said about how they need 'their' time. She commented 'call yourself parents' because DS hadn't had his tea yet at 8,45pm but he'd actually had snacks at 5.30pm to last him til after kick boxing with his Dad and I brought pizza in the car. This incensed me as she has no kids yet and DH has been more of a Dad than his biological Dad! I got out of the car from where I was sat and said immediately 'Im not coming to be physical etc. I know you are pregnant but how dare you say that'(BTW I am never physical but wanted to be clear I wasn't a threat) and I stayed at least 5 metres away from her with my ex in the middle of us. She brought up the past (of which she wasn't even with him so obviously has a one sided view) and she has this idea that ex fought to see his son and I didn't let him see him. DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army! We had to push for him to see his son. She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day (you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!), she seems to see this as an infringement of her privacy?! She then said something about how I had left my ex and you 'reap what you sow' (does that mean because I left my ex that I am being punished by hurting my son???)! I said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too but I think I've covered the main issues!

They went in and we drove off (everything about me wanted to keep shouting to them from outside their house but knew that would be a bad idea!). Left it over the weekend and DH said he would try and speak with ex on his own over a coffee as we think wife is pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck.

Fast forward to today, no communication then find he has blocked our numbers. We were previously quite close with ex. He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that (She escalated it!!!) and he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us.

I'm not having that! I need to be able to contact him in case of emergencies as DS is rubbish with his phone. Plus 101 other reasons - discuss sons behaviour, the learning needs assessment I am getting done etc. just general parent conversations!

You wouldn't think just a few weeks ago this man walked in my house with DS and pizza, ate it and then handed my husband the rubbish in a jokey way! He was like an Uncle popping in, friendly and good with our DD aged 4.

As ex has gone nc, so I decided to try and speak with his wife knowing she is pulling the strings and hoping we could smooth things over, we are both teachers in secondary schools so I presumed we could talk civil. I went to their house and managed to see her collecting a parcel off the postman as I approached, I literally said "Can we have a civil conversation please" and she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!" WTAF!

I spoke through the letterbox calmly explaining that we needed to sort this before DS birthday in 3 days and the new baby coming in just 3 weeks, I said please, I RECORDED the whole thing (not faces just pointing at floor) so I can't be accused of threatening behaviour. I left and pulled up around the corner, sent a message saying I was 'pleading with her' to sort this and her parents pulled up and her father said he was ex police(so what?!) and that I needed to stop harassing her, I lost my temper at his discreet threat but maintained I just wanted to talk, would do with them present and they said it was nothing to do with her(!)...I told them she is pulling the strings and that we always got along in the past, they scoffed (obviosuly must know some one sided story I don't) and drove off! I gave it 5 minutes and went back again so they could see I am open to talking even if I am outnumbered. No answer.

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much? He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police etc. He says if its sorted he will see him Friday as planned to take him for tea for his Saturday birthday. We messaged back asking how we can sort this out if he wont talk. He just wont engage.

We are left to pick up the pieces again, DH has taken DS to the cinema.

I've applied to mediation but I'm not sure they will take part as she clearly wants her own family unit. I've also applied now for proper child maintenance, never received any until DS was 10, set it up at half the child maintenance calculator amount as didnt want to cause them financial problems but they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I? Feel a bit rubbish as their baby is due soon and going to hit them financially, but as everyone keeps telling me - that's not my problem and he's got off lightly for years.

So, are they being unreasonable with this refusal to talk and sort things out? We've never had such a terrible relationship, the difference now is the new wife! What would you do next??? I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!

I’m absolutely gobsmacked. Neither of you look good in this to be honest, but if she’s asked you to leave her alone I’d start there!

Your ds is old enough to organise his own contact. Don’t be a mug, go for full CMS, this is for your ds’s benefit, fuck not wanting to put him in financial hardship, he has to pay for his own child!

Your DS is old enough to sort out contact.

You have asked what to do next. I’d encourage your son to see his dad and leave it at that. You need to take a step back.

They haven’t behaved perfectly. But you have behaved worse and massively over reacted (calling through the letterbox was awful; cringingly awgul). I am, naively perhaps, quite shocked that a teacher would behave as you have.

“I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present!”

There was no need for you to have said any of this.

Good grief: mix up over whether your ex was dropping him off or you were collecting (and you admit you took your time / were in no rush), you just apologise for any part you have played in tne misunderstanding and stay calm and NOT make provocative statements, even if the mix up was ex’s fault.

You sound very volatile, the getting out of the car, again losing your temper with the Dad...surely as a teacher you can deal with people acting up?

Stay out of their way. Let your Ds make his own arrangements. And do not make ex seeing Ds conditional on ‘sorting this out’ whatever that means.

Sadly you handed her the upper hand / moral high ground on a plate when you started shouting and she's decided she's keeping it. I don't see how you can get out of this without apologising for your delivery if not your comments, and saying it's because it means so much to you.

And your a teacher. You’ve just confirmed exactly why I home school.

Oh the irony!

OP - my oldest DS is 14 and I let him and his brother sort out when they see their dad and have for a year or more now. I know it is different as their dad makes a big effort, not just them, but you have to back right off now and leave it with them to sort out.

Also, as much as I want to, I only text once when they are with him as it is his time but they know I will always respond if they contact me about anything so I would stop the daily phone calls when he is at his dads, as taking it the other way round if I hardly saw my boys and their dad rang up when they were sleeping over over it would hack me right off!!

You have offered mediation - they dont want it so just leave it at that. CSA all done properly is a good idea I think as then no one can rightly say the other person is being unfair.

Good luck with sorting it all out x

You yelled at a pregnant woman through her letterbox?!! And went back?! Are you unhinged??!!!!

Seriously. It was a bad time to be late. She is hormonal. Could you not have given her some time to just breath??
She probably would have calmed and moved on if left well alone.

I struggled to understand the first part of the OP which explained what you were cross about. It seems like you and she made something out of nothing but maybe I have read it wrong. You should not deal with her at all, there is no reason to have any dealings with her. You are harassing her and it sounds like she was scared or intimidated by you as she called her parents.

he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us

I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him

You are so dramatic. He has said quite clearly he will continue to see him twice weekly. It's you he is annoyed with not his son. I arranged my meet ups with my dad at this age, I would imagine that was normal.

You should have got him to pay full CM years ago, more fool you for not doing. Glad you are doing it now.

I can understand you're frustrated but you were really out of order here. You were harassing her - turning up unannounced and shouting through the letterbox after she had told you to leave. She is 36 weeks pregnant - why would you behave like this!? You sound a bit bat shit tbh.

Umm no-one is coming if this covered in glory. Doorstep slanging matches, especially ones that commence while you are still sat in the car are so very Jeremy Kyle. You all need to calm down and give each other a day or two to cool off.

Frankly, Ican't see much wrong with their suggestion to make arrangements with your DS direct. He is 14 and if he's not good with his phone the. He will get better won't he?

Blimey. I'd back off and leave things to cool down. Your DS is 14 and can make his own arrangements with his Dad for the next couple of weeks. I'd stay away till the new baby's here and then maybe you can all start again and act like civilised adults. As for proper maintenance, you should have done it years ago. Your ex should expect to pay a realistic amount.

Your behaviour was highly provoking and irrational. For everyone's sake you need to step back before you cause any further damage.

Also, btw, I don't understand why you need to phone your ds every day that he spends at his df's just because he came out of your vagina. Ridiculous.

Your DS is 14. 14 year olds can use phones so ensure he has a mobile and a couple of chargers. Leave your DS to arrange contact with his dad and while at his dad's contact your DS on his mobile. Don't be surprised if your DS wants to message you rather than talk to you due to his age.

Oh and go for full CMS as the amount you will get will be halved due to your DS's new half-sibling.

And leave your ex's wife alone and likewise stop putting your own DH in the middle of your disputes with your ex. You and your ex need to sort out your issues without dragging your new partners into your fight.

So you were late and gobby?

Seriously, go back and shout through the letterbox again, that'll sort it.

I think some things I have written aren't as clear as I hoped in my original message.

Firstly, yes I am a teacher, as is she. My grammar may be terrible here, that is fine, I am not writing a professional document but rather typing fast on a key pad something which is highly emotive!

Secondly, the shouting outside their house last week was instigated by her, of which I would cut her some slack due to being 36 weeks but her whole reason for being angry was because she was waiting to eat. I kept quiet for most of it but could not stand back while she hinted we were terrible parents when my DH is a better father than her husband and she is complaining that she can't eat with my son there???We hadn't arranged a time for us to collect my DS as I believed he was bringing him home so we had to hang around in a different town and take our DD for tea rather than waste the fuel going back home to our town (20 mins away).

Today, initially was to try and talk, woman to woman because I know she is pulling the strings. She over reacted. I explained I was recording to her to highlight I am no threat. I am no threat to her, I don;t have any form for physical violence bar a fight in school aged 12! However she strikes me as manipulative and likes to play the victim and I wasn't putting myself at risk of an allegation. Similarly last week I said I was no threat (the words above aren't precise just the gist!) as I had just got out of a car to which I believe could appear intimidating to some people so I wanted to set that straight there and then that I wasn't there to be threatening. If that's weird then so be it.

I agree this has become very immature and has declined rapidly, and I am certain given our past history with my ex that this is her having some grudge against me though I am not sure what.

If I don;t have contact details for my ex, and I cannot get hold of my son whilst he is in care, how am I supposed to communicate a potential emergency? What if my DH is in an accident and I need ex to keep my son safe overnight? What if, and I hate to say it, I need to tell my ex about an emergency involving my son? As I touched on, I am having DS assessed for learning difficulties - one of his issues is organisation so its not my 'DS fault' if he doesn't answer his phone.

I cannot believe how dramatic this has all got. We weren't in each others pockets previously at all but we got along really well (though wife stayed back) and it was great knowing his 18th, 21st parties plus wedding etc. would be drama free for him.

Signs were there on DS birthday last year when she kept giving my ex the eyes and tapping him that 'they needed to go for tea' whilst he was trying to spend time with DS. Previously we used to go for birthday teas as a family, as friends. It wasn;t weird, it was really positive for our son and I am so sad this is happening.

The only outcome I want going forward is clear lines of communication and him not to keep letting our son down and him not having bare minimum contact that he couldn't possibly increase outside of his 'set days and hours totalling around 52 hours a month (3 hours every Wednesday unless he dropped him early/arrived late and sleep over every other Friday approx 6pm til 2pm the following day).

YAB totally U

to be so late collecting your son

to get out of the car

to say "I'm not going to be physical"

to shout through the letter box

to record through the letter box

to drive round the corner and message her

and for your whole attitude to the new wife throughout your whole post

What would I do next?

back right off.

As they are prepared to communicate with your DH, and if he agrees, then communicate through him moving forward

I know she is pulling the strings.

no you don't

She over reacted

in your opinion

I explained I was recording to her to highlight I am no threat.

bizarre, threatening and harassing behavior

Im also not sure where people think I 'yelled through her letterbox', I just explained (almost pleaded!) that we need to talk and sort this so we can move forward. I didn't go back, I drove off, stopped car to text asking to talk one last time and her parents had come, saw me and asked if I was (myname). I went back because I hoped she would talk with their presence. Its my sons birthday in 3 days time and she could have her baby any minute of which we have long suspected will mark the beginning of DS being pushed out further. I just wanted to get this sorted amicably. Mediation will cost over £200, I dont think they will do it!

You come out of this sounding really quite ridiculous.

I'd hate to see the long version.

one of his issues is organisation so its not my 'DS fault' if he doesn't answer his phone.

well surprisingly enough, children with poor organisational skills are perfectly capable of answering the phone...

he is 14 fgs

@garethsouthgatesmrs the problem is he has let him down tonight with 15 minutes notice. Once we are not involved, he will continue to do this.

I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present

Ugh. Nice - really nice. Your behaviour as a grown adult is really, really poor. Another one amazed you are a teacher.

Your behaviour was insane. Apologise. Hope they move on. Stop calling your son every morning he is there. And don't record people or talk through the letter box when they have asked you to leave.

She was probably upset about dinner because like me she doesn't like eating when others aren't eating and haven't eaten yet. It feels rude. And being pregnant she was probably hungry!

So apologise. In a letter. Please don't harass that woman any more.