To think Sons Dad and Step Mum are acting ridiculously?

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I started this thread giving a full background but it would take an hour to read! So trying to keep it simple, got on well with ex, a few arguments but nothing that was never sorted. Had a discussion with ex on Friday whilst picking son up, he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in calmly and I shut up to not escalate things, his wife came out (36 weeks pregnant) and started shouting -

basically they were waiting to eat their tea and as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present! She said about how they need 'their' time. She commented 'call yourself parents' because DS hadn't had his tea yet at 8,45pm but he'd actually had snacks at 5.30pm to last him til after kick boxing with his Dad and I brought pizza in the car. This incensed me as she has no kids yet and DH has been more of a Dad than his biological Dad! I got out of the car from where I was sat and said immediately 'Im not coming to be physical etc. I know you are pregnant but how dare you say that'(BTW I am never physical but wanted to be clear I wasn't a threat) and I stayed at least 5 metres away from her with my ex in the middle of us. She brought up the past (of which she wasn't even with him so obviously has a one sided view) and she has this idea that ex fought to see his son and I didn't let him see him. DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army! We had to push for him to see his son. She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day (you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!), she seems to see this as an infringement of her privacy?! She then said something about how I had left my ex and you 'reap what you sow' (does that mean because I left my ex that I am being punished by hurting my son???)! I said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too but I think I've covered the main issues!

They went in and we drove off (everything about me wanted to keep shouting to them from outside their house but knew that would be a bad idea!). Left it over the weekend and DH said he would try and speak with ex on his own over a coffee as we think wife is pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck.

Fast forward to today, no communication then find he has blocked our numbers. We were previously quite close with ex. He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that (She escalated it!!!) and he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us.

I'm not having that! I need to be able to contact him in case of emergencies as DS is rubbish with his phone. Plus 101 other reasons - discuss sons behaviour, the learning needs assessment I am getting done etc. just general parent conversations!

You wouldn't think just a few weeks ago this man walked in my house with DS and pizza, ate it and then handed my husband the rubbish in a jokey way! He was like an Uncle popping in, friendly and good with our DD aged 4.

As ex has gone nc, so I decided to try and speak with his wife knowing she is pulling the strings and hoping we could smooth things over, we are both teachers in secondary schools so I presumed we could talk civil. I went to their house and managed to see her collecting a parcel off the postman as I approached, I literally said "Can we have a civil conversation please" and she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!" WTAF!

I spoke through the letterbox calmly explaining that we needed to sort this before DS birthday in 3 days and the new baby coming in just 3 weeks, I said please, I RECORDED the whole thing (not faces just pointing at floor) so I can't be accused of threatening behaviour. I left and pulled up around the corner, sent a message saying I was 'pleading with her' to sort this and her parents pulled up and her father said he was ex police(so what?!) and that I needed to stop harassing her, I lost my temper at his discreet threat but maintained I just wanted to talk, would do with them present and they said it was nothing to do with her(!)...I told them she is pulling the strings and that we always got along in the past, they scoffed (obviosuly must know some one sided story I don't) and drove off! I gave it 5 minutes and went back again so they could see I am open to talking even if I am outnumbered. No answer.

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much? He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police etc. He says if its sorted he will see him Friday as planned to take him for tea for his Saturday birthday. We messaged back asking how we can sort this out if he wont talk. He just wont engage.

We are left to pick up the pieces again, DH has taken DS to the cinema.

I've applied to mediation but I'm not sure they will take part as she clearly wants her own family unit. I've also applied now for proper child maintenance, never received any until DS was 10, set it up at half the child maintenance calculator amount as didnt want to cause them financial problems but they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I? Feel a bit rubbish as their baby is due soon and going to hit them financially, but as everyone keeps telling me - that's not my problem and he's got off lightly for years.

So, are they being unreasonable with this refusal to talk and sort things out? We've never had such a terrible relationship, the difference now is the new wife! What would you do next??? I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!

What subject do you teach?

So he has form for being a reluctant dad? You're going to see more of that. You won't change him (presume that's why you're not with him). You can't force people to parent.

Speak to him only. No partners involved. Ignore her. It sounds like a scene from Jeremy Kyle.

However since the op is a teacher and guessing English is her first language !

Not sure if anyone else has picked up on this but:

I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby

As someone who is expecting their first, and who has a step daughter, this would piss me the hell off. Who are you to tell her how she will feel when she has her baby? You're basically implying in her mind 'I already have children therefore I am better than you.'

Your behaviour IS harassment. If she has told you to leave her alone, but you still return to the house, and you still message her, you are essentially harassing her. She's made it clear she doesn't want to speak to you.

Why is it so damn hard to mutually agree 'you see DC on these days, I see DC on these days, these are the pickup times, I'll call you in emergencies and for nothing else. If DC wants to talk then DC is old enough to call'

Knowing exactly what it feels like to be heavily pregnant (you should remember this too) expecting a child with someone who already has one, I am fairly sure that first sentence I highlighted would've been enough for me to never want to speak to you again.

Just to go way off target here
@Susiewiang it is a crass comparison to make, rather like "Oh Harold Shipman is why I don't use a GP, or Sweeny Todd is the reason I don't take my son to a barber shop"
Home Ed is a choice, but shouldn't be based on the rantings of one upset lady on Mumsnet. There should be consideration of ambience, philosophy, learning potential and the benefits and drawbacks of school.

Lots of unnecessary drama from all sides I think. I think you need to back off and let everyone calm down.

Can we all keep this thread in mind though next time there's a thread about a teacher behaving badly and the responses tell the op that "teachers would never say/behave like that".

( a bit of advice- and i am saying this sadly as I have tired to keep on good terms with ex for dd)
You are over invested in having a good relationship with ex for sons sake.
You sadly can't force Someone to be a constant, reliable parent.
Even before my ex had his new baby my dd was shown attention if and when he felt like it.
It is your job to be the constant, stable parent who as bloody angry as you get pick up the pieces calmly for ds when he is rejected.
Ds is not silly. He will know the truth about the situation. Focus on ds and leave ex and the wife to their own devices.
If they start communication be civil but remember they can always turn the situation again.
They are not your friends. They are dd's family. They have no loyalty to you.
Good luck op

Incy. If you think I choose to do so for the last 11 years because of a rant now your pretty nuts

And since your comment has no relation to my post as you obviously never read it.

The letterbox/repeated stalking bit is all very 😳

He's 14, stop getting involved. He has a phone, he has his dad's number, they can sort it together. If ex lets him down, you are no longer his keeper, that's his lookout.

OP how would you respond if two girls in your class were engaged in a slanging match? Would you encourage them to behave the way you did?

I feel sorry for this 14 year old in the middle of such an embarrassing shit show.

If his dad's partner doesn't want to see you or talk to you then stop trying to contact her. Leave her alone. Now.

I suggest you watch the film 'What Maisie Knew' it's on Netflix now. It's heartbreaking to watch at times and Maisie who is played brilliantly by Onata Aprile, conveys succinctly the feelings of a young child who is trying to make sense of her warring divorced parents.

@whyareyoucrying

Paying for your child isn't punishment and yes I agree the non resident parent should contribute financially to the resident parent. However I don't agree with OP that as a result of this falling out she's now going to report him to CMS. He has been paying for his child. CMS are a menace and make everything much worse in these kinds of situations. That is a guaranteed way to further antagonise the situation. If he's not paying enough then why has she left it this long, when his wife is about to have a baby?

Having said that though, in some situations e.g. absent parent who clearly is trying to avoid paying etc. then yes entirely appropriate.

teachers eh? ever had to sit in a child protection conference?

I haven't been able to get past the bit where you say you are both teachers 😱
It's all v Jeremy Kyle

sorry but as it is the likes of you who sit in child protection conferences, passing judgement on people's parenting, I cant really move on from that.

Never mind the appalling grammar but that is by the by really.

What's the story with the child maintenance OP? Because from here it looks and sounds like you are reporting your ex to CMS as round 2 in this argument and in the hope that it will get right up the nose of the ex and his wife just as their baby is born.

As I said before examine your motives. You are way over invested in your ex. Perhaps the impending birth of this child is bringing out bitter feelings?

@MrsChollySawcutt

Agree with you!

OP clearly stated she did not receive maintenance until ds was 10 and then only half the rate advised on the cms calculator. Whatever the reason for contacting cms, financial support from the NRP is long overdue,

Ffs can people stop going on about the op and new wife being teachers? Teachers aren't a different species, they're human beings with all the usual emotions and imperfect lives to deal with. They just happened to choose a job called teaching.
If the op had said they were both roadsweepers would that have been picked on too?

Op it sounds like it’s all got a bit out of hand. But as exh has messed his son about for years, not stepped up and financially supported him fully, I understand why you feel even more protective over your DS. I certainly wouldn’t be letting a child of 14 deal directly with his dad, esp one like this. His dad is a rwat for blocking you, you might need to get in contact about many things, what if your DS was I’ll or in an accident and you needed to urgently contact him. This alone to me means the dad cares more about himself than DS. Added to that his past flakiness increases the odds that once the new baby comes along your DS will be sidelined again. No one has come out of this smelling of roses but I think it’s not fair to cast you as the villain and not right people are suggesting to just hand over the reins to DS.

No, Llangennith. People have picked up on it because teachers are supposed to be good role models for the children and young people they spend time with.

" Teachers aren't a different species, they're human beings with all the usual emotions and imperfect lives to deal with. They just happened to choose a job called teaching. "

there is a bit more to it these days. As I have mentioned , an awful lot of teachers, esp HOYs, do spend time in SS meetings discussing how crap the parents of their pupils are.
Last time I checked, I don't think roadsweepers are required to that as part of their job.

Teachers are absolutely held accountable to different standards - safeguarding, reporting, role models, etc. There’s no law against it, but it’s utterly unprofessional for them to engage in a slanging match on the street, especially in front of a child.
I don’t see any issue in making arrangements with DS directly. My DH does this with his teens (as their mum is useless at communicating unless she wants a ‘babysitter’ - she still can’t grasp that he’s their dad not her unpaid childcare). It’s fine and I suspect that their mum finds it easier not to communicate with DH too.
You do need to lay off the daily call OP. He’s not 4, he’s 14. Provided he’s staying not in a drug den, etc, it’s none of your business what he does with his dad. How would you feel if your ex did this everyday he was with you?
Your behaviour towards a heavily pregnant woman became unacceptable and completely out of order once you followed up after the initial incident. Possibly before, but we don’t know exactly what happened there as I don’t think your side of things is entirely reliable. You can’t see that your behaviour is unacceptable. I suspect you have watered down what actually happened and that you have harassed your ex’s wife. Him possibly being a crap dad in the past doesn’t warrant your behaviour. Your claim for additional money, while completely fair (presuming there is no legal agreement making provision to the contrary), is incredibly spiteful in its timing. Can you not wait until the baby is a few months old?
Why does your DH trump the step mum in your eyes? Because of your golden womb? Have a word with yourself.
You’ve not come across well here at all. Given that OPs usually show themselves in a good light and their one-sided biased view, I can only imagine what really happened. They have not been unreasonable in cutting off contact with you - especially at such a time with your DS’s stepmum about to give birth to her first child. That’s immensely stressful without you adding to it.
As I said before, your poor DS. I can only imagine what he thinks of all this.

I don't.know about all the rest of it, but you're not really a teacher, are you?