To think Sons Dad and Step Mum are acting ridiculously?

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I started this thread giving a full background but it would take an hour to read! So trying to keep it simple, got on well with ex, a few arguments but nothing that was never sorted. Had a discussion with ex on Friday whilst picking son up, he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in calmly and I shut up to not escalate things, his wife came out (36 weeks pregnant) and started shouting -

basically they were waiting to eat their tea and as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present! She said about how they need 'their' time. She commented 'call yourself parents' because DS hadn't had his tea yet at 8,45pm but he'd actually had snacks at 5.30pm to last him til after kick boxing with his Dad and I brought pizza in the car. This incensed me as she has no kids yet and DH has been more of a Dad than his biological Dad! I got out of the car from where I was sat and said immediately 'Im not coming to be physical etc. I know you are pregnant but how dare you say that'(BTW I am never physical but wanted to be clear I wasn't a threat) and I stayed at least 5 metres away from her with my ex in the middle of us. She brought up the past (of which she wasn't even with him so obviously has a one sided view) and she has this idea that ex fought to see his son and I didn't let him see him. DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army! We had to push for him to see his son. She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day (you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!), she seems to see this as an infringement of her privacy?! She then said something about how I had left my ex and you 'reap what you sow' (does that mean because I left my ex that I am being punished by hurting my son???)! I said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too but I think I've covered the main issues!

They went in and we drove off (everything about me wanted to keep shouting to them from outside their house but knew that would be a bad idea!). Left it over the weekend and DH said he would try and speak with ex on his own over a coffee as we think wife is pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck.

Fast forward to today, no communication then find he has blocked our numbers. We were previously quite close with ex. He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that (She escalated it!!!) and he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us.

I'm not having that! I need to be able to contact him in case of emergencies as DS is rubbish with his phone. Plus 101 other reasons - discuss sons behaviour, the learning needs assessment I am getting done etc. just general parent conversations!

You wouldn't think just a few weeks ago this man walked in my house with DS and pizza, ate it and then handed my husband the rubbish in a jokey way! He was like an Uncle popping in, friendly and good with our DD aged 4.

As ex has gone nc, so I decided to try and speak with his wife knowing she is pulling the strings and hoping we could smooth things over, we are both teachers in secondary schools so I presumed we could talk civil. I went to their house and managed to see her collecting a parcel off the postman as I approached, I literally said "Can we have a civil conversation please" and she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!" WTAF!

I spoke through the letterbox calmly explaining that we needed to sort this before DS birthday in 3 days and the new baby coming in just 3 weeks, I said please, I RECORDED the whole thing (not faces just pointing at floor) so I can't be accused of threatening behaviour. I left and pulled up around the corner, sent a message saying I was 'pleading with her' to sort this and her parents pulled up and her father said he was ex police(so what?!) and that I needed to stop harassing her, I lost my temper at his discreet threat but maintained I just wanted to talk, would do with them present and they said it was nothing to do with her(!)...I told them she is pulling the strings and that we always got along in the past, they scoffed (obviosuly must know some one sided story I don't) and drove off! I gave it 5 minutes and went back again so they could see I am open to talking even if I am outnumbered. No answer.

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much? He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police etc. He says if its sorted he will see him Friday as planned to take him for tea for his Saturday birthday. We messaged back asking how we can sort this out if he wont talk. He just wont engage.

We are left to pick up the pieces again, DH has taken DS to the cinema.

I've applied to mediation but I'm not sure they will take part as she clearly wants her own family unit. I've also applied now for proper child maintenance, never received any until DS was 10, set it up at half the child maintenance calculator amount as didnt want to cause them financial problems but they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I? Feel a bit rubbish as their baby is due soon and going to hit them financially, but as everyone keeps telling me - that's not my problem and he's got off lightly for years.

So, are they being unreasonable with this refusal to talk and sort things out? We've never had such a terrible relationship, the difference now is the new wife! What would you do next??? I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!

Why on earth would you say “i’m not going to be physical”?

The idea that you might be probably hadn’t even entered her head until you said that.

I don’t think that pregnant women need to be treated like precious petals at all times in the slightest - but that would have put me massively on edge when I was pregnant

yes it was all my fault when dh left his ex aswell-i wa controling himruining the kids lives blah blah blah

if she had tuerned up at my house t5rying to get me to come out i would have called the police on her

Not through the fucking letter box! Not recording it and sure as hell not when already asked to leave! No. Pregnant. Should have just collected your son. Kept your mouth shut and put it down to her hormones. Then there wouldn't be a problem at all.

But no. You went all psycho ex on her.

@Clairetree1

Why do you think I shouldn't have said anything? Because she is pregnant? I don;t have to take insults from anyone. She is still an adult and had no right to make the comments she did because she was hungry. I was pregnant once (twice in fact) and if I had to wait for a meal I would eat a slice of toast to tide me over.

Least said soonest mended in this one OP. You do sound deranged though

Although not illegal to record people, audio or not, without them knowing, they are well within their rights to bring a civil claim for damages against you for breaching their privacy. Add that to harrasment. You sound scary.

You are over dramatic.

Why would this one fall out result in an awkward atmosphere at your sons 18th or 21st birthday? They are 3 and 6 years in the future, no?

Having gone about things the way you have, they might easily be just as awkward as you fear.

Had you been drinking when this all took place?

You and she sound unbelievably fish wifey. For a start, no-one 'eats tea,' they drink tea. I'd hate to be your son, showing me up like that.

Leave arrangements to your son in future, he's not a baby.

@youarenot Wed 22-Aug-18 23:26:43
I'm shocked that this argument between 4 grown ups happened with 2 children present. Did no one at any point think that children, especially the young daughter, should not be hearing parents/step parents argue?! (Thankfully she was asleep, regretfully this did escalate in front of DSas it came out of the blue)

And the lady is 36 weeks pregnant, her hormones are all over the place, she's probably worried about the baby, worried about the birth & was probably hungry... The last thing she needed was you acting like a total cow in your comments.

If you thought his father was bringing him home, why did you need to wait about 20 minutes away from home so as not to waste petrol? Surely you'd have gone home to wait for him?! ( as stated earlier, we had to go do some jobs, then we were going to go home for tea and meet DS at home. The jobs we were doing wouldn't have allowed us to go home and do a return trip in time to collect him so we decided to eat out as that would mean we could actually collect DS sooner).

God, the drama of it all - I blame all 4 of you and your son must have been mortified.

Telling her you are not getting physical! I have to say the minute someone said that to me I would feel extremely threatened. And talking through her letterbox. all unnecessary drama.

Your ex was ridiculous for blocking you but I suspect he is cut from the same cloth as you - and his current partner - as much drama as possible. but I suspect he would have unblocked you after a few days if you had ignored.

Your son is 14. There is no reason he can't organise having tea twice a week with his dad by himself. If he needs a lift, he should ask you or his dad or whatever. I appreciate you want to have a friendly relationship for birthdays/weddings etc in the future but if you keep on like this you won't even have a slightly chilly relationship that can bear being in the same room - you'll have out and out jeremy kyle warfare.

What should you have done?

Gone home, waited a few weeks for everything to calm down, maybe send a nice card when the baby arrives?

Im actually not surprised you're a teacher. I recognise the holier than thou can never be wrong attitude from some of my DSs teachers...

This all kicked off because you felt the need to 'correct' a pregnant woman. Clearly you did it in a patronising way (all the carry on about how you weren't threatening her, Jesus wept).

And you then made it miles worse by harassing her at home.

What you need to do now is:
Understand you are lucky not to have had a police visit/ harassment warning.

Back the fuck off. You don't need to speak to your ex or have his phone number. If you need to convey important information email him or send him a letter. You also don't need to talk to your son during contact especially given how short the contact period is. No court will compel your ex to give you his number. Email and address is fine. Your son can make contact arrangements withhis dad directly. My DS has been doing this since he was 10.

@sosoverytired Wed 22-Aug-18 23:12:21

"She was probably upset about dinner because like me she doesn't like eating when others aren't eating and haven't eaten yet. It feels rude. And being pregnant she was probably hungry! "

Socially I can understand this, but someone in your close family, a stepson you see about twice a week? My DH has managed to eat in front of my DS for years. She's a grown woman, if she is pregnant, hungry and waiting to eat she could snack?

What should you have done?

1. Not been late to pick up your DS. And don't try saying your ex was supposed to bring him home - you messed that up when you said you had to hang about so as not to waste petrol by going home again before you picked him up.

1. When you rocked up late, been apologetic and not antagonistic.

1. Made some allowance for the hormonal and fed up state of Ex's and heavily pregnant partner.

1. Stayed in the car and not engaged in a doorstep row.

1. Quickly and quietly taken DS home,

1. Left well alone for a few days to let everyone calm down. All that dramatic nonsense about not speaking at 18/21 birthdays and future weddings is ridiculous. You were not 'sorting things out' you were fanning the flames.

OP for future reference (I suspect you’ll need it) as soon as someone starts laying into you, regardless of what they’re saying, you get in your car and leave. You’re a hothead- you need to leave as soon as a situation gets iffy. You can’t control yourself so you need to get out of there. Honestly, you win nothing by responding to her insults. Nothing at all. You do lose something though.

You really lack any capacity for reflection or insight into your own behaviour. Even as people have been very blunt in their feedback about your actions, you just take nothing on board at all. You don't have the moral high ground here. You have made some terrible comments and your behaviour in general has been inappropriate. I'm not surprised they have blocked you. You sound arrogant and difficult.

I think his 18 th and 21st he will not want to spend with any of you.

Recording yourself does not reassure anyone . It suggests things are at that level and using it as evidence against her .

I flew at one of my son’s bullies when he pushed a note through the door. That for me really crossed the line invading his safe space in his home. You did the same.

You were vile too . Higher moral ground is held by no one here .

You were threatening though. You wouldn't drop it. I would have called the police in you. Leave it to your DS and EXh to sort. It is not anything to do with stepmom. And this from someone who has a very good reason to dislike DS's stepmom.

No. I feel it is rude. Especially with a teenager as they are always hungry. And you may think you know what is going on but probably don't.

Maybe she thought you were collecting him from the start and your ex mis communicated with both of you. Maybe there was a problem and they needed to go to hospital.

Regardless. You were out of line. And most definitely out of line for going back repeatedly to harass her.

Seriously. My ohs ex forced her way into the house to tell us that there was an item of his in child's bag. And at 36 weeks pregnant it made me feel bloody sick. So what you did was bloody shocking.

ok, so the general consensus is I was wrong to try and talk to her?

yes

What would you have done to resolve the situation in my position?

left her alone

Things were left on a slanging match

because you got into a slanging match, totally unnecessarily, and irrationally, when all that was required of you was to meekly apologise for causing so much distress and inconvenience by collecting your son so late.

I had hoped we could come out of this friends after we all had a chat

she doesn't want to "chat" to you, and she doesn't want to be your friend.

Refusing to do even that, how is that in my sons best interests? non of your behaviour is in your son't best interests, I expected he is dying of mortification. I don't think it has anything to do with him, either, as PP have said, you are very much over invested in your ex and his wife. Its all about you, not your son, and some of your attempts to justify your behaviour by inventing special circumstances for your son, such as this special need which means he might not answer his phone.. that just sounds like you are casting round desperately for some justification to keep imposing yourself on these poor people

You and your ex are at fault here for not clearly communicating and arranging a time.

Your other behaviour as you have written here makes you sound bonkers and to be honest I wouldn't have any contact with you either. You also don't need to speak to your son when he's at his dad's as it is infringing on their time and privacy. He's at his dad's leave them to get on with it.

IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere

What a massive communications fuck up.

From your subsequent posts I really have no idea, who was going to to do what, when and with whom.

From what you've written it's you and your dh who's the problem.
you're trying to call all the shots and then complaining they won't bow down to you

what were you confronting ex about for him to get defensive?
why couldn't it wait until later if you knew they were waiting to eat?
I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him
so why were you there at that 8.45pm?

he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in
so it was 2 against 1?
so it's ok for your dh to get involved but not the 'new wife'?

I got out of the car from where I was sat...with my ex in the middle of us
so you could have ignored them and drove off, yet chose to stay and escalate the situation

DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army!
so your dh chose to confront the wife as well - again 2 against 1

She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day
so it's ok for you to interrupt/interfere during ex's contact time?
(you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!)
your curiosity/possessiveness could have waited til he came home

said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too
how is she doing that when you keep intruding on their contact time and try telling them how they should do things in their own home?

He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that
damn right!
(She escalated it!!!) no-you did that by getting out of the car!

he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us .....perfectly reasonable at age 14
yet despite ex stating this you and dh choose to blame his wife for pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck

she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!
yet you chose to ignore this and then continued to harass her even after her parents told you to leave

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much?
not really, life happens and it could be anything

He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police
so despite her being 3 weeks away from giving birth, having endured a stressful argument and being harassed - this is still about you?

We are left to pick up the pieces again
what pieces? i'm sure your ex will explain to your ds when it's appropriate to do so

so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!
so yet again you want to control everything and have it your way?
wanting to, verbally stating it and actively arranging contact with his son is him not maintaining contact?
the only person trying to intefere re contact is you

they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I?
so you're doing this out of spite as opposed to necessity

i bet the kids you teach are more mature than you!

@pallisers

I would still send a card, but it's one of those things now, do I send it as an olive branch or does it look goady!?

@BettyBaggins Wed 22-Aug-18 23:41:50
"Although not illegal to record people, audio or not, without them knowing, they are well within their rights to bring a civil claim for damages against you for breaching their privacy. Add that to harrasment. You sound scary"

From experience, I would have a way to go before the police would even consider my contact as harassment.

@pallisers Wed 22-Aug-18 23:44:00
"God, the drama of it all - I blame all 4 of you and your son must have been mortified.

Telling her you are not getting physical! I have to say the minute someone said that to me I would feel extremely threatened. And talking through her letterbox. all unnecessary drama.

Your ex was ridiculous for blocking you but I suspect he is cut from the same cloth as you - and his current partner - as much drama as possible. but I suspect he would have unblocked you after a few days if you had ignored."

I do get that, the drama is definitely cringe and not at all how things normally are for me. Hence me not pushing for full child maintenance for years etc. to AVOID drama! As dramatic as it got today, I truly had hoped we could calmly resolve this rather than drag out the drama. As we hadn't communicated with ex after the argument last Friday (because I didn't want to give him an excuse to block me ironically by continuing arguing by text) I suspect he had blocked us sooner we just didn't realise. As a PP said though, he will soon learn that this is less than ideal, when it actually would benefit him to be able to communicate with us if he wanted to change contact days etc.

It is a shame we can't get the contact set in stone by court order so he cannot let my son down. As PP says, this was probably just an early start of the inevitable (sad) withdrawing once he has the new baby.

We live and learn! :)