To think Sons Dad and Step Mum are acting ridiculously?

[IdiotsIdiotsEverywhere]

I started this thread giving a full background but it would take an hour to read! So trying to keep it simple, got on well with ex, a few arguments but nothing that was never sorted. Had a discussion with ex on Friday whilst picking son up, he got quickly defensive so my hubby stepped in calmly and I shut up to not escalate things, his wife came out (36 weeks pregnant) and started shouting -

basically they were waiting to eat their tea and as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present! She said about how they need 'their' time. She commented 'call yourself parents' because DS hadn't had his tea yet at 8,45pm but he'd actually had snacks at 5.30pm to last him til after kick boxing with his Dad and I brought pizza in the car. This incensed me as she has no kids yet and DH has been more of a Dad than his biological Dad! I got out of the car from where I was sat and said immediately 'Im not coming to be physical etc. I know you are pregnant but how dare you say that'(BTW I am never physical but wanted to be clear I wasn't a threat) and I stayed at least 5 metres away from her with my ex in the middle of us. She brought up the past (of which she wasn't even with him so obviously has a one sided view) and she has this idea that ex fought to see his son and I didn't let him see him. DH reiterated my points that he saw him more and he was in the army! We had to push for him to see his son. She also complained about me calling my DS on a morning when he sleeps over because I naturally ask him what he is doing that day (you see he came out of my vagina so I have this attachment that makes me want to know where he is and how he is each day!!), she seems to see this as an infringement of her privacy?! She then said something about how I had left my ex and you 'reap what you sow' (does that mean because I left my ex that I am being punished by hurting my son???)! I said its clear that she wished my son didn't exist as she wants to compartmentalise him. Other things were said too but I think I've covered the main issues!

They went in and we drove off (everything about me wanted to keep shouting to them from outside their house but knew that would be a bad idea!). Left it over the weekend and DH said he would try and speak with ex on his own over a coffee as we think wife is pulling the strings and giving ex it in the neck.

Fast forward to today, no communication then find he has blocked our numbers. We were previously quite close with ex. He sent a message to DH saying we had no right to speak to wife like that (She escalated it!!!) and he will continue his twice weekly taking DS for tea and they will arrange it with him not us.

I'm not having that! I need to be able to contact him in case of emergencies as DS is rubbish with his phone. Plus 101 other reasons - discuss sons behaviour, the learning needs assessment I am getting done etc. just general parent conversations!

You wouldn't think just a few weeks ago this man walked in my house with DS and pizza, ate it and then handed my husband the rubbish in a jokey way! He was like an Uncle popping in, friendly and good with our DD aged 4.

As ex has gone nc, so I decided to try and speak with his wife knowing she is pulling the strings and hoping we could smooth things over, we are both teachers in secondary schools so I presumed we could talk civil. I went to their house and managed to see her collecting a parcel off the postman as I approached, I literally said "Can we have a civil conversation please" and she said "no, I don't want to see you, you need to leave or I am calling the police!" WTAF!

I spoke through the letterbox calmly explaining that we needed to sort this before DS birthday in 3 days and the new baby coming in just 3 weeks, I said please, I RECORDED the whole thing (not faces just pointing at floor) so I can't be accused of threatening behaviour. I left and pulled up around the corner, sent a message saying I was 'pleading with her' to sort this and her parents pulled up and her father said he was ex police(so what?!) and that I needed to stop harassing her, I lost my temper at his discreet threat but maintained I just wanted to talk, would do with them present and they said it was nothing to do with her(!)...I told them she is pulling the strings and that we always got along in the past, they scoffed (obviosuly must know some one sided story I don't) and drove off! I gave it 5 minutes and went back again so they could see I am open to talking even if I am outnumbered. No answer.

Ex messaged DS over xbox messenger that something had happened and he couldn't come for him tonight. Dramatic much? He didn't say they were at the hospital but I'm sure he wants me to believe either that or something cryptic like reporting me to the police etc. He says if its sorted he will see him Friday as planned to take him for tea for his Saturday birthday. We messaged back asking how we can sort this out if he wont talk. He just wont engage.

We are left to pick up the pieces again, DH has taken DS to the cinema.

I've applied to mediation but I'm not sure they will take part as she clearly wants her own family unit. I've also applied now for proper child maintenance, never received any until DS was 10, set it up at half the child maintenance calculator amount as didnt want to cause them financial problems but they've made it clear now that their life is not my business so I don't need to worry about that do I? Feel a bit rubbish as their baby is due soon and going to hit them financially, but as everyone keeps telling me - that's not my problem and he's got off lightly for years.

So, are they being unreasonable with this refusal to talk and sort things out? We've never had such a terrible relationship, the difference now is the new wife! What would you do next??? I want him to see his son but he won;t fight for him so if I say we need to sort this first, he will use that as an excuse to not keep up contact!

Ex blocked our phones after arguing which is why I felt I needed to speak with her, to calm things down and get them to see that blocking was not sensible

blocking you was a very sensible and calm thing to do.

They were calming things down by blocking you.

You were not calming anything down by your totally irrational bevaviour.

pleading through letterboxes, recording people, telling people you don't intend to become physical.. all completely crazy things to do.

kick boxing finished at 7.30, you didn't get there until 8.45 because you were busy eating pizza.

Next time just go back and collect him at the end of his class, as any normal parent would

Have some dignity woman and stop arguing in public. Did the neighbours enjoy the show?

My son is 13 and I don't need to have anything at all to do with DS.

You don't need to phone him every morning he's away though.

It sounds like faults on all sides to me.

Is this what happened...

Are you saying that you and your DH went to Pizza Hut then arrived at 8.45 to pick up your son? That’s selfish.

It was your ex husbands wife’s prerogative to be annoyed by that.

She then had an argument with your husband. What you have written is all very ‘he said she said’ and neither of them come out of it covered in glory.

You then got involved and harassed her.

Take responsibility for your own actions.

You've been worrying that your DS will lose his 'place' with a new baby coming so you made a shitty comment designed to wind up. And it worked.

And it worked a bit too well and then you wanted it all to go back to being nice again on your terms and in your time frame. And when it didn't you've acted even more badly.

And he should have been paying CM anyway, no excuse for not but you choosing to persue it now cannot look like anything else than you kicking off because things aren't going your way.

I feel for your DS stuck in the middle of this nonsense.

You all sound awful. Your poor DS.

PS teachers? Good god, I hope you don’t behave like that at school.

Reading between some extremely confusing lines here, I’m getting the impression that you agreed to (or suggested you would) get DS dinner. If SM had made him some so she could eat, I imagine you have the kind of personality that would be infuriated by that ‘as you’d already arranged food’ (bringing him pizza in the car),

I could imagine SM feeling really awkward dishing up food without serving a plate to DS (I certainly wouldn’t eat my dinner without offering to feed houseguests). So instead, she had to wait on your timescales to eat.

At 36 weeks pregnant, I would not have appreciated waiting until nearly 9pm to eat because you can’t a move on. You absolutely could have collected DS from kickboxing and taken the whole family to Pizza Hut instead, avoiding this whole drama.

As for being dramatic cancelling your son - you have NO idea what the circumstances of that are. She could well be in the hospital. She could feel that the stress of everything that happened is having an effect on her heath.

You really do sound awful, OP. Your DH shouldn’t be getting involved because ‘he can explain it better’ (what better, anyway - that you decided to go for Pizza instead of picking up your hungry DS? ).

It doesn’t discount Ex and SM’s role and childish behaviour but you definitely come off far, far worse and the best thing you could do is back off and leave them alone. DS is perfectly capable of remaining in contact with ExP (he seems to be able to answer calls from you so I can’t see why he’d struggle to answer calls from your Ex).

The comment that bothers me is that you told a 36 week pregnant woman that she will find it hard to cope with her baby. Who do you think you are?

Yeah great idea, punish them financially because they won't talk to you 👍 #sarcasm

Since when was paying for your own child 'punishment'?

There is no way you are a secondary school teacher. That is just so obvious reading your OP.

Crickey ... I think you were out of line ... on a number of points. You need to apologise and let's hope she forgives the golden uterus complex you have.

You sound controlling. Take a step back.
Why do you call your son everyday when he's at his dads?
I leave my children alone at their dads. They can call me if they wish. I don't want them to feel conflicted.
My ex and I are NC. We have shared calendar and any communication is done via the children. It's not ideal. It's not what I want. When he cut me off I found it very hard as I believe this is him being controlling again. It's not in the best interests of the children. However, I've got to live with it. I was upset and angry at first because he was using the children to communicate and I didn't think it was fair.

Your son is old enough to communicate with his dad himself and pass messages onto you.
Calm down and accept that things have changed and this is the way your ex wants it.

My DH's ex would say I am pulling the strings. Truth is she was used to telling DH to jump and him asking how high. Then when he met me he naturally started to prioritise my wants and needs over hers (but not over his kids' needs). Of course this means in her eyes I'm the evil new woman with a bad influence on DH when in reality it's just that she no longer gets away with living her life exactly how she wants with everyone else bending to fit.

OP you need to keep out of their business, your son is well old enough to check you don't have plans then make his own arrangements accordingly. If his dad lets him down then that's dad's lookout - it'll be painful for your son at first but will create more stability in the long run. You can't make someone take an interest in someone else even if it is their own child.

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole
Also wondering why pregnant wife got involved in a discussion between the ex and now DH. OP clearly stated she kept quiet to allow her DH to deal with her less than calm ex.

The hypocrisy of your post is amazing. The Ex's wife should keep out but the OP's DH can join in!

KatieKittens to be fair, they were only in Pizza Hut because the ex had changed the plan: he was supposed to drop his Ds back home, but instead asked the OP to collect him. This meant the OP has to hang round longer in town until after his class, and her Dd was hungry.

The ExW DID start it, by coming out and complaining about the ‘late’ pick up, when her DH should have done the drop off.

At that point the OP could just have said ‘sorry, we had planned to be home for when Ex dropped him off but when he asked us to do the pick up we needed to get Dd something g to eat” and walked away, head high, nothing else to be said.

Not come back with stuff about how she wouldn’t cope with a baby and Ds isn’t a vulture.

If someone is being a twat and you respond in kind, you make yourself if that kind.

The OP then went in to build her part as a self-confessed hot head.

In front of the poor boy who must have felt dreadful throughout and us probably still upset and anxious.

KnotsInMay
The ExW DID start it, by coming out and complaining about the ‘late’ pick up, when her DH should have done the drop off.

But this was after the OP had had a go at her Ex and her DH had stepped in to take over.

as I had expected ex to bring DS (aged 14) home I didn't rush to collect him, told them he's not a vulture and that they can eat while he is there and she's going to struggle when she has her baby if she won't eat with a child present

The OP started it with the above. A shitty comment completely unnecessary and suggesting the woman will struggle when she has her baby. A shitty sarcastic comment for no reason as it's obvious the ex and his partner eat with and in front of the DS all the time.

Then when it kicked off, as it was designed to do - OP whinges.

Huge faults on both sides. You sound controlling and I imagine love to micromanage situations. He's failed to financially support his son for many years (btw you're perfectly entitled to receive cm from him, regardless of their situation, so don't feel bad about that). You say the 'new wife' is the problem, but yet it's apparently ok for your dh to step into the fray whenever he feels like it. Dh and his ex have had many arguments over the years. He and I spoke about it and discussed what he should do, but I never once went over there all guns blazing, or camped on her doorstep recording my efforts to speak to her (which is very odd btw). Their problems were dealt with by them, with each other.

Do you have just the tiniest bit of envy that they will soon also be a 'family unit' and might that also be feeding the situation? That your ds will have another sibling, but by them?

I was with you up until the point where you went around to their house, she told you to leave and you didnt.

At 14 your son is old enough to sort himself out.
You don't need to be in constant contact with him.

You also don't need to be pally with your ex and his wife.
Go through the csa, or whatever it is called, yes that is totally fine.

Take a step back.
What your son does whilst at his dad's is not your concern so long as they are not mistreating him.

Wow what a massive cock up. I’d keep your mouth shut from hear, lay off the harassment and let your ex sort his contact times with your teenage son. Still feeling a little ill by your claim that his exiting your vagina gives you the right to control every aspect of his life.

And your a teacher. You’ve just confirmed exactly why I home school.

I do hope you are teaching your children the correct usage of your/you're.

It’s all very Jeremy Kyle isn’t it?
You are entitled to more CM but you’ll look very petty putting the claim in at this point in time, it will only make the relationship worse IMO.
The pregnant woman started this and isn’t blameless, just because you are pregnant doesnt give you cate Blanche to act like a tosser, raging & shouting! However, you went way, way too far, you should have shrugged and disengaged when she gave you a row, it would have left her looking like the baddie.
Unfortunately I think your DS is going to be the who suffers worst from this episode.

No I do t teach the English as it’s my 4th language and I’m terrible at writing English. Another mum teaches mine English and I teach hers and mine korean