To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

He didn’t say you needed to work full time; he said you needed to earn more money.

He’s told you he’s stressed about money and about being the main breadwinner. If he has a breakdown, how will your £8k look then?

You don’t need to work full time; you do need to listen to him when he’s telling you he’s stressed and starting to crack.

Tbh 8k is a very low salary for 20 hours. Can you not aim to find a better paid part time role? With a degree and a teaching qualification you could be earning more, surely?

You need to have a serious talk with your DH about the whole issue. A lot of warning sirens going off. He's clearly struggling to cope.

Have a talk with him and get to the bottom of it. Then take it from there.

Good luck.

He was wrong to mention it in front of the DCs but he is supporting your chosen lifestyle and has done for a while, he's telling you he's had enough of carrying the financial burden, you say yourself he's done the same thing for twenty years and he's seeing no reward for it, while you work part time in a job you love and don't consider the impact on him or your children. He hasn't said you need to work full time, just earn more money to ease the pressure on him. It must suck for him to work so hard and not even be able to afford a nice annual holiday. If you work more he will have to increase his input at home, or you will need to get a cleaner etc to share the load. It's not his role to provide just because he's male

Come on, OP, I know he's not being very nice about it, but ffs, you have a degree, free childcare and you're only earning £8K per year. Surely there's something better you could do? I know you've taken time off to have the children - and he's benefited from that, of course - but even before then you weren't that bothered about earning more.

What sort of working future do you see for yourself?

Personally I do think you are being unreasonable. If the roles were reversed and my husband refused to work more than 20 hours / week and I had to work full time it’d really annoy me too. I work full time in a professional career also and earn similar to your husband - I would be very frustrated if I put in al the time and energy I do and my husband worked minimal hours so we couldn’t afford a holiday etc. Also we have kids, I do understand the “mental load” but lots of people make it work successfully.

That being said - it’s a difference in opinion and there’s nothing wrong with the lifestyle you want providing you are with someone who shares this opinion and willingly funds it. You say your husband brings the issue up a lot so clearly this isn’t the case.

Do you discuss your finances and workload at any times other than when they're an issue requiring a rant?

I started back part-time when my youngest went to school and have gradually worked up to being full-time. Working full-time is tiring, and the house always seems to need a good clean! We do have foreign holidays though, but no new car. DH has friends who earn way more than him, but we also have friends who don't. All things are relative.

Did no one tell you that depending on what department it is arts degrees get you no where in life unless you are excruciatingly good

Retrain is your best bet

I can see both sides here. I can see it must be frustrating for DH to shoulder most of the household financial burden, but feel there is no money left to spend on what he wants to do. Equally, I can see you feel that your role is undervalued by him. So have you told DH what you've said here? That you working more hours means he takes on more of the household stuff? Rather than assuming that he won't?

How old are the DC? You mentioned a 14 year old, presumably there are younger one (s) too? Have you considered an alternative (especially with free and willing child care available) of working more hours (but still part time) or looking for a better paid part time job?

Well if you want to get a better paid job then go for it but he needs to put his changes in now.

So have a sit down and discuss the house load and tell him he needs to take on a large chunk of that asap to get him used and to enable you the time to find another job. Once that bit is sorted the changing your work circumstance may just slot in.

Ooh there's a lot in there! He may not be communicating it very well but it does sound like he's stressed about money/work and possibly the future.

I would think it's something the two of you need to set some time aside to talk about calmly. Right now it seems it's brought up as part of a row with him being accusatory and you feeling defensive.

You mention a 14 year old but how old are the rest of the dc?

Have you told him what life would look like if you were working ft? What he’d need to do and how much less you’d be able to do solely on your own?

In principle I don’t think it’s fair for one party to choose pt work if the household suffers. If you really needed the money you’d find a way to work more hours and earn more. You don’t need to do that to fund expensive phones for teenagers, of course not. But your DH is clearly very stressed about it and is carrying the burden of the vast majority of funding you all by himself and you need a very calm discussion between you about that. He’s waking in the night panicking which is a sign of mega stress so you can’t ignore what he’s saying. Being shitty about who else he could have married isn’t helpful but you say the issue keeps coming up and not being resolved so he sounds like he’s getting a bit desperate.

Agree with Pottering. I don’t think this is about cars or holidays, but the strain of being the breadwinner. I know it too well. You can’t compare it to the strain of running a household. If you’re doing a low paid arts related job that you love then you’re being self indulgent. Sorry OP.

Pottering, he did say he wanted me to work full time.

Matilda, my degree is in Fine Art, always comes bottom of the list of degree to salary ratio. My PGCE is 20 years old now and I’ve never actually taught in schools, although it has been very useful as Ive worked education related fields (educational publishing and libraries). It’s just that the arts world really doesn’t offer huge salaries generally.

Is £8,000 for 20 hours per week even minimum wage? It does seem very low.

Is there not a middle ground between having to go back to teaching and being able to earn a little bit more? I can see that things must be tight and obviously your DH is struggling.

Underneath his desires for a new car etc he sounds very stressed being the main breadwinner, stressed enough that he was up in the middle of the night worrying about it.

There is nothing wrong with being a single income family, or in your case one where one partner earns the lions share however both partners have to be happy with that arrangement. I'd say with your qualifications I'm sure you could get a much better paid job, but he needs to know that if you work more hours he needs to step up more in the house.

Has he said he wouldnt be happy to take on half of the running of the house?

I, too , can see both sides but if DH woke me up at 3am to discuss ANYTHING he would be looking at his bollocks from a different angle

* I don’t think this is about cars or holidays, but the strain of being the breadwinner. I know it too well. You can’t compare it to the strain of running a household. If you’re doing a low paid arts related job that you love then you’re being self indulgent.*

^This

If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the main earner, but your DH was happy to bring home £5-600 per month and you were lying awake at night worrying about money, what would you want him to do?

I think its deeply unfair to say working full time would be to fund his lifestyle, it sounds like he just doesn't want the burden of bringing in the main chunk of the income on his shoulders when it clearly isn't enough. £8k is a very low wage for 20 hours, upping your hours on that wage hardly seems worth it. I'd personally be seeking new employment to take some of the stress off your DH who doesn't sound like he is coping very well. Aren't marriages about supporting each other?

Agreed that he would obviously need to chip in with the running of the house should you do this though whether he likes it or not.

I love MN sometimes. When people aren't afraid to hand people their arse on a plate.

He's making a clear cry out here. Discuss and step up. Split responsibilities if needed. But listen to him.

Do you realise you're not even earning minimum wage for over 25's at those hours?

if DH woke me up at 3am to discuss ANYTHING he would be looking at his bollocks from a different angle

Agreed!

If the gist of his argument is that you have to go full-time, then you'll have to get him to realise the hours of unpaid graft you put in running the house, so he knows he'll HAVE to do his share. You don't say if he does all the 'husband-jobs', (gardening/car washing/diy/decorating etc) - but if he does you'll also need a decent argument ready when he claims he contributes to the household already.

If the gist of his argument is that you have to go full-time, then you'll have to get him to realise the hours of unpaid graft you put in running the house, so he knows he'll HAVE to do his share. You don't say if he does all the 'husband-jobs', (gardening/car washing/diy/decorating etc) - but if he does you'll also need a decent argument ready when he claims he contributes to the household already.