To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

The posters banging on about getting a Receptionist job when you are already working in a field you were trained for, and also being a free-loader are totally offensive (and narrow minded); pay.no.heed.

Does your DH even like or respect you? I'd admire someone who was bringing up their family, running a home, and working 20 hours in the Arts as well.

If you used your pgce you could probably earn about 11k for 2.5 days and rising every year (you might be able to negotiate more because of your life experience) . You wouldn't have to worry about holiday care and would have a career you could build on.

Seems you are happy for your DH to work full time to fund your preferred lifestyle but not so keen to do the same for him.

Unless a relevant drip-feed is coming YABU.

I'm the sole earner in our house and I find it enormously stressful at times, despite being a v high earner, so I can sympathise with your DH.

I think you should too: if he's waking you up at 3am that'd be a clear indication to me that he is stressed. I'd be concerned in your shoes.

I work in the arts, self employed and I am horrified that you are working 20 hours a week for a salary of 8k.

I can understand why this would be frustrating to your husband but also I think you should have more respect for yourself and the value of your time.

Regarding being a SAHP, your DH needs to be more understanding of what keeping the house running involves but having said that I know families where both parents work full time and they manage to keep the domestic side of things running (albeit not smoothly all the time!)

Get a full time job earning a salary relevant to your qualifications. Split all household chores and responsibilities.

Then rediscuss how happy everyone is the arrangements
.

You have several issues here:

1 money management - I don't think you have the power to tell your DH what he can and can't spend when you are at such a financial disadvantage in the earnings stakes. I mean things like lunches, not big ticket items. Also, you have less control in areas you quite rightly view as wasted income.

2 Division of household management - if you carried more of the economic burden then he would have to step up and do more in the home. But do you resent carrying all this load or is it part and parcel of being the lower earner who supports the higher, more secured income?

3 lack of shares goals - what will happen if he wanted to retire early? What is his preference? When is it his turn? Do you think he is even entitled to want this at some stage? Your children care going to cost more money as they get older, not less. You will need to factor this in. Also, what if you found yourself as sole breadwinner for any reason at all? Have you thought about this?

Something isnt working right now so compromise has to be made on both sides.

@Smoothsailing9 i couldn't be with someone who earned so much less than me! You are puggy backing on his salary.

If you get a full time job, obviously he has to take on more housework.

£8k is very low!

not all Arts jobs are paid that well.

I think people are giving OP an unnecessarily difficult time. She took time off to have kids allowing DH to build up his professional career, that leaves her in a far poorer situations in terms of her choice of career than she would be otherwise. I don't think it's fair that she should have to work a job that would be miserable for her while her DH gets to work in his chosen career. She's also mentioned that he is unwilling to pull his weight at home so she would be taking on a full time job while also doing all the household stuff. That's totally unfair.

People are also projecting a lot onto the DH - he must be buckling under the strain of breadwinning etc. none of this is obvious from the OP. He could also just be resentful that he can't have the lifestyle his friends have (which is actually what he is saying). Ideally this would have been discussed in advance and DH should have been aware that OP was taking a career hit by looking after the kids and this would last for decades.

They could discuss together in a calm way what the possibilities are for OP and her career in the future and if there is the possibility for her earning more money but this needs to be a calm non accusatory discussion. Not a rant in front of the kids and not at 3am either. It also needs to be clear to DH that she won't do all the household stuff and hold down a full time job no matter what his friends' wives do.

On a slightly different tack, what is this 'paperwork' that seems to consume so much of your time?

Thanks for the supportive messages.

I earn more than minimum wage actually, and pay into a pension. My DCs are 14 and 12. Younger DS has suffered from some severe anxiety in the last year, meaning he has struggled with school and I really don’t know what I would have done if I’d not been able to take him to counselling and help him deal with getting to school in the mornings. I am also on antidepressants.

I do resent PPs who have said use your free childcare! My poor mum has done her fair share and now she just pops in after school to make sure DCs are OK. DHs parents have done fuck all and they live close as well.

If he's got 3 kids, a 4 bed house, an expensive hobby and a propensity to make expensive and unwise five figure investments, it seems optimistic of him to think he can have new cars and foreign holidays each year!

OP, you need to sit down with your DH and look at all income and expenses. You need to discuss how much you need to bring in to maintain the required lifestyle and if you can cut anything unnecessary.

Then sit down and draw up who will do what around the house once you are working full time.

He was very nasty to you though. He sound very materialistic, more concerned with lifestyle than family. You need to find the middle ground.

He's gone about this totally the wrong way and if I'm reading right, rather than have a grown up discussion, has used digs?

But I have to be honest, as a couple with similar earnings from FT work of about what your husband earns, we'd also struggle to enjoy our weekends and holidays without both our salaries. I can understand why he is now getting frustrated.

You could earn double your salary doing a PT admin job at our place. You're being selfish staying in the field you're comfortable with.

Yeah, he's gonna take on half the housework, house administration, childcare and everything else involved.

And my real name's Max Bygraves.

You would have had to have shared the load of getting him into school and you would have managed. That's what happens when you work full time.

If you used your pgce you could probably earn about 11k for 2.5 days and rising every year (you might be able to negotiate more because of your life experience) .

And you could buy a lottery ticket and never have to work again. I know lots of "part time teachers". They were only able to go part time because they were already established teachers in their respective schools and part-time still necessitates attending department meetings and providing cover (they all complain that since they're part time they're considered always available for cover). Both friends who do this say they end up in school 4 days a week and work about 80% of a full time workload for half the pay. It's definitely not worth it.

Consider tutoring perhaps if that appeals?

I am struggling with this part:

Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes.

Of course you do. Your job is a hobby really.

Why wouldn't he step up? How can you know he wouldn't if he's never needed to? Why wouldn't you enforce it by just stopping doing stuff?

What jobs have you looked at?

I am also interested that he earns 50k, your family manages to have quite a few nice things and frippery for that. It's not screaming he's a financial numpty to me.

I guess he can't earn more because he can't afford to take risks. If he loses his job you are fucked, right?

You are puggy backing on his salary.

She's his wife. She has brought up his children and managed his home for years. He is piggy backing on her to improve his career prospects, earning potential and pension.

i couldn't be with someone who earned so much less than me!

Wow- some of us aren't so materialistic

And at 14 and 12 you don't need childcare after school, they can get themselves home and wait for a couple of hours.

Yes, very very selfish doing a job you love when you could get an extra £20 per week doing something you hate.

Strange women on MN this evening. Maybe theyre just a bit jealous methinks?

@Smoothsailing9 your kids are 12 and 14... you say you'll go back full time when the kids can look after themselves? They're at secondary school, they are already there! You should have started looking for FT once youngest started secondary school at the very latest in my opinion.

It feels like there are a lot of inequities on both sides of your relationship and so bitterness is building up.

His side: he earns all the money. A lot of pressure being effectively the only wage earner

Your side: money is wasted. Your contribution isn't fully appreciated. You have limited opportunity to earn more and if you did more hours you are doubtful of his capability to share household tasks/not fritter away cash.

Both sides have v fair points. Neither are going to be listened to in a heated argument at 3 am.

If you want a point of comparison: I fund DH's lifestyle. I do feel a bit bitter that I also do a lot of mental load too. However we have identical views on spending and he supports me hugely with my mental health. DH is currently away for the week - I'm realising how much he does to keep me functioning and earning!

smooth the bottom line
Is you need to earn more. Either more
Hours, or more money per hour.

So, whats the next step?