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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

999 replies

Smoothsailing9 · 22/08/2018 19:51

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 22/08/2018 20:34

I understand you feel he is devaluing the household tasks you complete- but it's very unfair to say he wants you to find his lifestyle. He's funded this way of living for over 14years. He wants more stability and financial security. I understand he has some frivolous spending. But to present a budget instead of trying to find a different job with more hours and money seems very insulting. I'm sorry- I do think that you need to look for something more to contribute more- and then you can tackle his spending. He's told you he's miserable and needs more. Your mum can and does pop in after school and both your children are old enough to fend for themselves if required for an hour or two.

scrumplepaper · 22/08/2018 20:34

I am actually giving myself a big fat pat on the back. I have 3 kids, I am a single parent, I work full time AND I do all the cooking, cleaning and household paperwork. Who knew it was so amazing?

ElspethFlashman · 22/08/2018 20:35

OP, I'm trying to say this kindly, but people who work more hours also have kids with issues and are on antidepressants. You just take a half days annual leave if you have to.

Plumsofwrath · 22/08/2018 20:35

Ok, so accepting that you both pull an equal share (him earning, you everything else), would you be happy to get a job that earns more if he took on a commensurate amount of your current workload?

Do you understand the point that you made a CHOICE to do what you’re doing. He’s got no choice at all, as a consequence. It’s pretty much irrelevant that you do everything else because this is what you’ve CHOSEN to do.

BewareOfDragons · 22/08/2018 20:36

I wonder if people that that's pretty much all TAs earn ... and yet we need good people in those roles...

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 22/08/2018 20:37

You did make it sound like you had ongoing free childcare OP. If you don't think your mum is in a position to provide substantive assistance any more and his parents for whatever reason don't, that could change the situation somewhat, if your options are limited by a need to be there for wraparound care.

Or when you say look in, are they 14, 13 and 11 or similar so the childcare isn't really a concern now??

PumpkinSource · 22/08/2018 20:40

Teenagers sometimes need a lot of support - a surprise to some of us who were hoping things would ease off!

Sounds like alot of jealous posters, as I said earlier, which is a shame. Honestly, it seems to me unless women aren't totally driven into the ground with all their various roles now, they're slackers!

janetheimpaler · 22/08/2018 20:41

You are getting a really hard time here. He was happy for you to be at home until now, if he feels you should renegotiate maybe he could have communicated this better? Your son needs your support. He could sit down and discuss joint money management, to overcome his lack of skills in this area. He could also be willing to discuss how you could both manage domestic and professional responsibilities, if/when you returned to full-time employment. You too could have married someone who earns £100,000 plus; I could have married Prince William, but maybe we are not all for all markets.

Pippylou · 22/08/2018 20:41

Sit down, go through the finances, get an idea of what he's on about...

Elephant14 · 22/08/2018 20:42

Yeah the OP could do some more hours and earn some more money. Her DH won't lift a finger, as usual, but at least he'll have a nice sandwich from Pret and more to spend on himself (not those grabby teens).

He earns his money, he comes home, has a family, everything is provided for him, his only suffering is that his car is a year old. FFS. You can see this is AIBU. Hmm

PumpkinSource · 22/08/2018 20:42

Also, I'm getting the impression he wants a family, but resents funding it and thinks it should 'take care of itself' in some miraculous way.

RedSkyLastNight · 22/08/2018 20:42

If your DC are 14 and 12, I can see DH's point. If you don't think they are old enough to leave now, how old will they have to be?

Coincidentally I also have a14 and a 12 year old. I work 32 hours a week. I have loads of free time. As well as DH the dc should be pulling their weight!

scrumplepaper · 22/08/2018 20:43

He brings all this up regularly

He's been trying to bring it up, for some reason the two of them haven't taken it further.

PumpkinSource · 22/08/2018 20:43

exactly Elephant poor man Hmm

RebelRogue · 22/08/2018 20:43

It's all very well and good saying he must pick up the slack if she goes full time but that doesn't mean he will. And she can't make him.
So if that is one of OP's worries I completely understand that.

How supportive would he actually be with a full time job? Shared childcare costs if needed,time off work when needed etc

Lightsonthewater · 22/08/2018 20:43

How so? People SAHP for all sorts of reasons. That statement is grossly ignorant.

Slowrun, people’s reasons for being a SAHP are completely irrelevant. Whether it’s a choice or enforced, it simply is not as difficult as bearing the stress of being the sole breadwinner and knowing that the provision of the bricks and mortar of that home is down to you. I’m not denigrating SAHP, just saying that the stress of being the breadwinner in uncertain times is incomparable.

LeighaJ · 22/08/2018 20:43

I don't understand how people end up doing Everything in the house. Hmm

Make a chore list and your DC are old enough to do chores as well!

If that doesn't work you could also try more passive aggressive techniques such as not cleaning the things that are their pet peeves.

Definitely don't do their laundry.

If your husband leaves his clothes or shoes all over the place pick them up and lay them on top of his hobby stuff. When asked about it just say "I didn't know what to do with this stuff so just left it where I knew you'd find it." Cheery smile then quickly turn and walk away. Grin

Twoweekcruise · 22/08/2018 20:44

I live in the south east and £58k as a family income is pretty good for most people in my area. We live in a nice area too. We earn less than £58k and have a really great lifestyle. Where do most of these mumsnetters live or do with their lives where this is classed as such a poor income?
I think your dh is being a bit of an ass tbh.

Whoknowswhocares · 22/08/2018 20:44

The bottom line of everything you are saying seems to be that your choice is to work low hours for very low pay, because that's what you want to do.
His wants are apparently irrelevant. He needs to subsidise your life choices by earning what he does in a job he doesn't enjoy.

All fine if both parties agree.........but they don't

watsmyname · 22/08/2018 20:45

Whilst I think your title is a bit unfair I actually see this slightly differently to the pp's. I think if you were a sahm it's unlikely ppl would be saying you were freeloading.

It certain ways I think ur dp is seeing the grass as greener - life would change for him if your financial input increased as your other input into family life would also change. He has to decide whether this balance is something he is happy with. I would go as far as to say it sounds like he's jealous of what his colleagues have without taking into consideration or knowing the full ins and outs of their life (very few people have it all).

A lot of pp's have said he's worried about money but I fail to see this as you've said he spends without checking if he has enough money in his account and holidays.

You both seem to undervalue each other contributions to family life. An open and frank discussion is the only way to stop this breeding resentment.

Original poster
Smoothsailing9 · 22/08/2018 20:45

Re childcare they do get themselves home from school. If I’m on a later shift my mum pops in to make sure they’re OK. It during school holidays that I am not yet willing to leave them all day everyday because Younger DS has been through a stage of suicidal thoughts and although he’s doing a lot better now, I’m not comfortable with this yet.

BTW, I’m not working in my ‘preferred career’. I doing a job which I enjoy, which fits around my kids and home responsibilities. I have already said I would love to run my own business and I still hope to in the future.

As an example of DHs attitude to sharing the housework, he is on annual leave this week. I have been at work for two of the days. He has made one meal and hung out one load of washing because I left a note to do after I put the wash on before I for work. He has done nothing with kids because he can’t be bothered to arrange anything. They’ve all just played Xbox in their pyjamas all day.

OP posts:
Bee182814 · 22/08/2018 20:45

If your children are 12 and 14 and your mum pops in after school to see they're ok anyway I think you need to be looking for a better job with more hours and better pay. You have no idea how lucky you are to have parents around to help you out, I would love to be at work but financially I can't make it work until my daughter gets her 15 hours per week funding in a year's time and without the family help were a bit stuck. Use what resources you have and run with it, you might find you enjoy it.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 22/08/2018 20:45

Even if the OP went full time it doesnt sound like she'd be earning £58k a year or anything close. Would he still be moaning then and say she should still do all the housework to make up for it? I think, yes.

RoadToRivendell · 22/08/2018 20:46

Also, I'm getting the impression he wants a family, but resents funding it and thinks it should 'take care of itself' in some miraculous way.

They are 12 and 14. And please do stop with the 'jealous' nonsense, it's terribly sexist and reductive. You have no idea what anyone's situation is on this thread. I may be a SAHM for all you know.

tildaMa · 22/08/2018 20:46

I would sit down and calculate the cost of housework you're doing and ask him if he's willing to spend so much on outside help so you have time to work full time.
You bring much more value than £8k to the family. He wouldn't be able to progress his career as he did if he had to do half of the housework. So the money he's bringing is not just his work - it includes your non-monetary contribution.