To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

The thing is Op, if a poster came on here and said she was no longer happy being in a situation such as yours but that her DH wouldn't agree to any change, what do you think the responses would be?? We'd all say he was completely BU and that just because someone agreed to a particular set up years ago, that doesn't mean they can't change their mind!

The same applies here. He's been working FT for 20 years and presumably to reach his current salary there's a certain amount of stress and responsibility in his job.

When he looks around him he sees that his friends and colleagues seem to have much more comfortable and enjoyable lives (and likely less stressful if financial responsibilities are shared).

He also sees that his wife appears to have a work/life balance that she is content with. A work/life balance that she can only have because of what he does.

He may well be suffering from "the grass is always greener" syndrome but I can see why after 20 yrs of work he's probably seeing the next 25 - 30 years looking very samey!

I don't for a moment think you should be valued only on your financial contribution to the household but you have to see that it's unfair for you to insist on the status quo when he's so unhappy with it.

You're presumably in your 40s now, were you ever planning to increase your hours or seek a higher paid job? Or was the plan that DH would always have this responsibility?

It sounds like you want someone to take care of you financially and he wants an equal partner.

Could you work 4 days a week 30 hours in a better paid job? At least it would be some compromise and would ease the burden on your husband.

There's no way I'd financially support an adult who was capable of working and earning a living.

It sounds like he's had enough.

Despite all that OP I think you're being very self indulgent. 8K a year is a bit of a joke and he's clearly stressed about all the financial responsibility being on him. If you worked FT you could afford a cleaner and split the other tasks. I think you really need to pull your socks up here.

You're freeloading and you know it. Get a full-time job already

What the fuck are you talking about? Did you miss the part about OP running the house and looking after the DCs single-handedly? A huge amount of people seem to be missing the main point of OPs opening post... HE WON'T TAKE ON HALF OF THE RUNNING OF THE HOUSE AND LOOKING AFTER KIDS.

Good for you Smooth. You sound like a decent person making a contribution in different areas in life.

My child made 6 suicide attempts in the space of 2 months. I had to go to work because sick pay wouldn't feed us never mind pay bills.

There's a faint whiff of looking down on those of us who work full time, as if we don't care as much as you about our kids, coming from your posts and it's making me feel slightly upset.

I feel sorry for him. He’s being forced to fund a family when he doesn’t want that sole responsibility and that’s fair enough.

Just get a job OP, and stop going on about your degree, it’s irrelevant. You could earn double what you do now doing an admin role.

I love how on MN ‘running the house’, ‘doing the admin’ and ‘managing the finances’ are almost given the same gravity as if you are running a FTSE 100 company!

What the fuck are you talking about? Did you miss the part about OP running the house and looking after the DCs single-handedly? A huge amount of people seem to be missing the main point of OPs opening post... HE WON'T TAKE ON HALF OF THE RUNNING OF THE HOUSE AND LOOKING AFTER KIDS.

Why are you shouting? If you were working full-time and your partner 5 hours a week, would you be running half the house? Please do let em know.

I run my fucking house single handedly and I go to work full time and looked after my DC all by myself without any assistance from my parents.

So fucking what? I'm not any kind of special and the OP sounds self indulgent and faintly sneering at those who work full time, as if they don't care enough about their kids.

@isawthelight

“ HE WON'T TAKE ON HALF OF THE RUNNING OF THE HOUSE AND LOOKING AFTER KIDS.”

And why should he, right now? When she goes back to work FT things will change

There's a faint whiff of looking down on those of us who work full time, as if we don't care as much as you about our kids, coming from your posts and it's making me feel slightly upset.

There's a strong whiff of looking down on those of us who work part time outside home and full time at home, as if we don't contribute as much as you to the family budget, coming from many PPs and it's making me feel slightly upset.

Yes, very very selfish doing a job you love when you could get an extra £20 per week doing something you hate

Strange women on MN this evening. Maybe theyre just a bit jealous methinks?

I agree.

Sorry to read that Scrumple. Hope things have improved x

You bring much more value than £8k to the family

Indeed, but the imbeciles on here calling your part-time work a joke - will never understand that. Despite their assured arrogance, what real person would want to be married to them, something thats probably never crossed their tiny minds !

Bringing up a family is almost a full-time job in itself. Even with teens.

I don't agree with your DH at all. I am the main earner in my marriage because my career works that way. DH is self employed but we both enjoy what we do, he earns about a third of my wage.

We enjoy holidays abroad twice a year and are comfortable. DH could go and get a job that pays the same as me but being happy comes before that.

Your DH has to learn to stick to a budget he has expensive hobbies and weekend trips but worries about money? If you are doing the household tasks would he do his half while you work ft. I would put my foot down tbh especially if someone woke me up to have an argument.

*me not em

DH is used to you doing everything, it will take a while to change things. By cooking and sorting the washing, that demonstrates some willingness to do something though? A bit different to your insistence earlier that he did nothing and wouldn't take on anything. And 14 and 12 year olds tend not to have activities arranged for them to do with their parents. I wonder if you are babying them which is why you feel they can't cope if you work more hours?

Well we all work full time in the home don’t we? Christ we have full time jobs coming out of our ears round here

Well it's obvious the OP just came on to vent and hasn't a notion of changing anything.

Fair enough. Vent away.

I don't see why the OP and her husband shouldn't sit down and discuss things - he isn't happy with how things are and he wants them to change and he's been telling her for a while and she hasn't been listening. The kids are old enough not to need minded after school and the OP could be back at work full time or near enough it - and her husband isn't happy to be the sole bread winner any longer.

But it's some kind of something when it's all "I do the house admin that's why I work part time" and a saintly parent who is so much better because they drop off and pick up. Sorry but i do that too and I work full time. Who the fuck do you think pays my bills? me. Oh and I take Sertraline. So what?

Even without this issue, do you love your husband?

I'm starting to get the impression (I may be wrong) you are with him out of habit/convenience, rather than actually liking the man.

I’d like to know which admin roles pay £16k for 20 hrs work, most are about £8-10 an hour

Both of you need to sit down and jointly review your finances and also what your short/medium/long term life goals are and how you can both make steps towards those.

If your DH is stressed about money, is everything OK with his job/at work? Does he need to look around for a new job perhaps? Do you have enough savings to facilitate a lower income for less hours perhaps or even to obtain a new job which is less stressful/more enjoyable but less well paid.

Do you need to make changes to your current lifestyle? He's clearly not happy with the status quo so you need to discuss a plan that both of you are happy enough to proceed with. Attacking each other just breeds resentment. My friend's ex used to resent her being a SAHM when he was a salaried then equity law partner (earning quite a bit) simply because he didn't like his job but didn't have the guts to leave. He's still there as the managing partner now.

HE WON'T TAKE ON HALF OF THE RUNNING OF THE HOUSE AND LOOKING AFTER KIDS.

Yes... because he's the one with the pressure of being practically the sole breadwinner and working full time. Why would he do half when he's working FT it makes no sense stop shouting.

OP I would be quite fucking annoyed if my husband told me I should be bringing pack lunches to save more money when he's the one refusing to go out and work more.