To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Cheers momo

I think this thread is very difficult reading for many of us. I really wish the OP and everyone involved the very best of luck. It's a sad situation which could have been avoided.

I’m with you 100% OP 😂

Have you actually read the OP’s posts? I take it you haven’t.

The OP has only ever worked in ‘various low paid arts related jobs’ prior to having children so she hasn’t given up a career to raise children.

Raising children is not work it’s a choice you make if you decide to have children.
Cleaning, cooking etc is basic chores nothing groundbreaking.

The OP doesn’t want to earn money that is the be all and end all of this. She has never worked in a decent paying job no wonder the DH is fucked off.

If this was reversed the sanctimonious posters would be crying for the OP to LTB.

What’s concerning is the amount of women posters who think it’s a mans responsibility to provide for them while they ‘raise children’ or work in abysmally low paid jobs because they ‘enjoy’ it. Embarrassing.

Your thread has really exposed how Mumsnet is full of middle class, out of touch, stuck up penis worshippers

Hope you're ok OP.

What’s concerning is the amount of women posters who think it’s a mans responsibility to provide for them while they ‘raise children’ or work in abysmally low paid jobs because they ‘enjoy’ it. Embarrassing

You're a dude aren't you?

Have you actually read the OP’s posts? I take it you haven’t. The OP has only ever worked in ‘various low paid arts related jobs’

Er, have you actually read the thread? The op clearly stated that she had a degree level job prior to having the dc

Yuokhon- yes they made those decisions. I wasn’t saying he hadn’t too! But she’s the one posting on here complaining. If you know someone isn’t a good match, you don’t go ahead and bring two children into the relationship.
It would be infantilising women to suggest that they don’t have control over the decisions they make. It’s not like the husband has changed. She knew what he was like. Therefore we must assume that she was getting enough out of the relationship (ie someone to pay the mortgage and bills) to make it worth her while.

Of course it's a mans job to earn the money. School of mumsnet educates me that they can't do anything else constructive so why not take what you can?

And so all the bile and vitriol continue. Do you all have nothing better to do than pile in on a woman who puts in 20 hours work outside her home, countless hours inside it and cares for her very poorly son, as well as her fucking useless tosser of a husband.

I don't understand why it is misogynistic and against the blessed sisterhood to recognise that a man is in need of support and is very stressed.
I know single parents who have to work full time who cope with children with severe mental health issues. They are the ones who have my sympathy and understanding.
The OP is only low maintenance due to the fact that her husband is paying all the household bills, so when she takes over that, she can see exactly how low maintenance she is going to have to be on her £8K a year - because the truth is, there is no future for their marriage.
Oh any maybe the child's father is also worried about his sons mental health issues on top of all the other stresses he has.

Sometimes leaving a relationship is the best thing to happen. Certainly seems the case here.

You know what, despite all my DHs faults, this thread has made want to go and give him a big hug.

He is not a bad man. All I wanted from this thread was some perspective on our situation. And I certainly got it.

We met as teenagers. Our sex drives were compatible to begin with of course! It’s something that has become an issue gradually over the years, as I said previously. And to be honest, the post I made about that part of our relationship was on another thread where I was trying to encourage another a poster.

We have a lot of issues. I don’t know where we’ll end up. But well done to those posters who had their lives mapped out at 20 and could predict exactly how things might change over time. What easy lives you must have.

we are not all doing that Blue Im as horrified by the MRAs as you are.

He sounds like an arsehole. You sound nice, I hope that whatever happens you're happy.

Raising children is not work it’s a choice you make if you decide to have children.
Cleaning, cooking etc is basic chores nothing groundbreaking.

I think you might be on the wrong website

youokhon

Have you actually read the OP’s posts? I take it you haven’t. The OP has only ever worked in ‘various low paid arts related jobs’

Er, have you actually read the thread? The op clearly stated that she had a degree level job prior to having the dc *

She said this in her OP:
I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs

@HelenaDove me too

we are not all doing that Blue Im as horrified by the MRAs as you are.

"You know what, despite all my DHs faults, this thread has made want to go and give him a big hug"

Hardly surprising considering your experience on this thread OP.

This is what OP said:

Prior to DCs I worked in educational publishing on a decent wage but we moved area just before DCs and I wasn’t able to find that sort of work again part time where we live now, which btW is not London, but a rural area in England.

I see ivgotasecret is still banging on...

gamerchick no I just don’t have to rely on a man to provide for me I can do that on my own. Luckily if my husband and I split up I won’t be up shit creek on an 8K salary with 2 kids wishing I’d stepped up more instead of doing a job I enjoy but doesn’t pay the bills.

This is honestly one of the worst threads I’ve ever seen on AIBU and that’s really saying something. It’s actually shameful.

Do you all have nothing better to do than pile in on a woman who puts in 20 hours work outside her home, countless hours inside it and cares for her very poorly son, as well as her fucking useless tosser of a husband.
You mean 'women give an opinion on another woman who claimed that she didn't see why she should get a job that pays more because despite the breadwinner worrying a bit about money, she is happy with the currebt situation. Oh and also claiming that her getting a job that pays a bit more would apparently be her propping up his lifestyle?

As many people have said, people can opt to work part time, full time, stay at home, work from home, self employed, freelance or whatever they like as long as whatever they choose to do in their family suits their family and all parties are happy.

I'vegotasecret yes but you said she had only ever had low paid jobs. You deliberately misquoted her. Because it suited your agenda. When you quoted that she'd already clarified she had worked in other, higher level roles.

I'm not sure the money is the issue, it sounds more like the DH is stressed and wants to share the responsibilities of working, it may be a cry for help, waking up at 3am is a sign of stress you really need to have a serious talk about your future or there may not be one together.

you being a SAHM is a massive contribution, as is working part time it may be that your dh just needs to talk things through