To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

How old is your youngest?

OP what do you think about him working fulltime to fund YOUR lifestyle. Because if that's how you see it, it must be the same in reverse.

I am not surprised he isn't willing to fund a bus was and wait for it to make money, if it ever does.

It's not just about that. It's very difficult being the main earner. Sharing the burden might be what he needs, rather it being about figures.

It can be equally difficult being the SAHP. Taking on the primary role in organising the house and children.

Why should he look at scrimping when the OP could work more hours. They are meant to be partners.

'Scrimping', as you put it, needn't mean a lower standard of living. Just different choices. If you are not the one who cooks, meal planning and batch cooking needn't affect you much. It can be a really positive move not only financially but health wise too. Ditto for carefully constricted packed lunches. New car wise it can make a lot of sense to go electric. Financially often (depending on individual use case) very viable and much more economical than using fossil fuels.

wow, such negative posts OP.

I really feel for you.

You sound like a good person, its hard to understand the vitriol being directed at you, still thats MN for you!

You work part-time, you do the major work in bringing up your family, you have a good standard of living (4 bedroom house! and holidays!), I fail to understand why your DH is complaining so much. Are you actually happy and well suited generally?

He actually said to you if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine he sounds a bit of twat tbh. If its all about money, tell him he should have married Alan Sugar and let him stew on it.

Given how much he's struggling, I think it would be appropriate to give him the opportunity to reduce his hours at work and you increase yours. I'm sure you can find something that pays more that £8k given you have few childcare issues?

Obv you can point out he would need to take on a commensurate proportion of the household housework/childcare.

OP I do think if you have free childcare and the ability to earn more then I think you are being a bit freeloader-ish. Would you not considering using your PDCE to teach?

However, for PPs saying it's not minimum wage.... my maths says £8143 per year is salary for 20 hours per week minimum wage .

But the thing is, he's earning 50k! That's more than the average family take home. He obviously wants to see more of that 50k and clearly thinks you need to get off your arse and work more.

I can understand that he'd want to have more spending money with that kind of salary (wouldn't we all in an ideal world!) but what I can't understand is how he can't see how lucky he is. He doesn't have to do any of the home stuff by the sounds of it, and his wife is around for any and all kid related things that crop up to do with school etc.

I think waking up in the middle of the night is a tad dramatic as well. I know it must be frustrating for him but it doesn't sound like you're struggling to make ends meet, worrying about how you will pay your next electricity bill!

It's a shame he is placing so much importance on money. He is in a fortunate position but he's thinking materialistically which is sad. Holidays abroad/gadgets are great, but if we could afford for my DH not to work, I would be happy that anything to do with the children could be sorted by him without the stress of wrangling time off work here and there. I'd rather have that, than the spending money.

Tbh when you said 8K for 20 hrs I thought it was a typo. That's ludicrous.

I'd be fucked off too. I work 24 hrs and earn a hell of a lot more than that and I'm no high flyer.

It's too little. You're being a mug, just because it's in your chosen field. You need to get a different job in a different field. Even a receptionist job would earn significantly more than that and require no retraining.

You're freeloading and you know it. Get a full-time job already.

Op is absolutely not! If she were paid for the input into the household she gives for free she'd be considered more than equal.

It can be equally difficult being the SAHP

In today’s economic environment, that’s simply not true.

Even I managed to earn £10000 + working 15 hours a week 12 years ago. I know the job climate and the economy has changed but maybe have a look around?
I was made redundant after this very part time job. The hours suited us fine as the kids were little and we weren’t going to starve, but I realised I needed a proper job.
The only way I could do this was to go full time and then reduce my hours after a year (I still do about 32 hours, but not being “proper” full time helps).
What surprised me was DH’s relief that he wasn’t the only breadwinner anymore and he didn’t have to worry about “what will HotSauce do if anything happens to me?”
I hope this is more substantive that cars and holidays and that he really does value you, though

Ok he handled it really badly and it was wrong to discuss it in front of the DCs but now your kids are at school perhaps he has a point about you earning more. He was rude and unreasonable about it but £8k is a very poor wage. You would not be able to work these part time hours for this abysmal salary if he wasn't earning what he earns.

If he earns £50k and wants to buy his lunches every day then I think he should be able to. He should have his own money to spend on a hobby and lunches if he can't afford that then perhaps you are struggling more than you realise.

If you take on more work then of course he should be doing his fair share of child and home related tasks.

Being the SAHP can be really, really full on, plus P-T work on top! I think your DH's got a bit of a cheek. But hopefully you can talk about it. And come to some understanding. But if he doesn't respect you as a person, OP, it doesn't sound so easily resolvable.

Also just like to add I do also think your dh was being a bit of a dick they way he's going about this. He shouldn't be speaking to you like that especially in front of the dcs

If you could do private tutoring you could charge £20 an hour and get cash in hand :)

If I was earning 50k, all my children were at school and there were no childcare issues at all I would want to be enjoying my life not worrying about money. You are partners. You should be pulling your financial weight and he should be helping more around the house more. I think YABU and some kind of change is required here.

In today’s economic environment, that’s simply not true.

How so? People SAHP for all sorts of reasons. That statement is grossly ignorant.

But the thing is, he's earning 50k! That's more than the average family take home.

Is it? It's more than the average individual salary but more than the average family income?

To carry the full financial burden by yourself when there is no need is a bit much.

And I have to say, why are you opening his letters??? Put them on his nightstand and leave them to pile up!

Why are you washing the car?? How dirty can it be? And haven't either of you heard of a car wash??

Why are you electing to do these things?

Why aren't you working full time? You have the luxury of going "I didn't enjoy that job I am not going to do it any more". Your DH hasn't had that. How young is your youngest child?

I feel for your DH - I'm a single parent I have to work full time and I find the pressure of being the sole bread winner horrendous. There's only me to put food on the table and the fear that it will go tits up and we will starve/lose the house is crippling and yes, it does keep me awake at nights.

Personally I wouldn't be willing to work FT whilst taking on 100% of the non-income earning stuff for a family of 5. Especially not when comfortably off already. I would also not be content with earning only 8k, when I had free childcare and no preschool aged child. It's about the middle ground. You're both at extremes and I don't think either of those extremes is reasonable really.

To carry the full financial burden by yourself when there is no need is a bit much.

The burden would still be there if Op were paid more. The DH just wants to increase his spending.

OP, you've not said how old your DC are despite several posters asking. You say you will work more when they need you less, when do you envisage that being and what is your pal to get there?