To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Lol at vile misogynistic views! I would never raise my dcs to think they can just choose not to work and force someone else to support them. What would we say if op was a man?

I would say that describing the contribution of the person who runs and manages the home, including caring for a seriously ill child and pandering to a man who is too fucking lazy to put his own underpants in the laundry whilst also doing 20hrs a week outside the home is working not "choosing not to work".

Enjoying your work does not make it a hobby.

All those of us who do work full time outside of the home rely on people like the OP to provide childcare, cleaning and the myriad of other services which make it possible.

Her husband is a shit who has also blocked her previous attempts to increase her income in a way which enables her to keep doing all the work at home.

They already have a good family income by most standards which enables him to pursue an expensive hobby.

There is one good reason for the OP to try and change her income - so that she can get away from the self centred, greedy, abusive fucker she is married to.

Well no momo, it's not the same logic because OP doesn't have a history of treating the other spouse like an appliance. Or of engaging in behaviour, like leaving washing studded around the house, that makes it actively harder for the other spouse to do their work. So it is, in fact, applying completely different logic.

Though saying that, actually I've no idea whether OP could hack a professional job or not. It's evident that she's not going to get work as art teacher based on a 20 year old PGCE and no teaching experience, but then I think she might have said as much herself? But clearly that's utterly unrelated to the question of whether DH would be any cop whatsoever as a SAHP.

And really, this pretence that there's simply no way of knowing how this DH would behave if asked to do any significant amount of housework is laughable. That nothing can possibly be extrapolated from years and years of behaviour and attitudes. Give over. Nor does it much matter whether it's rocket science or not. Neither is putting the bins out a few moments after being asked, yet he doesn't do that either. It matters whether he's going to do it.

Well one thing is clear, it’s a shit relationship. And if it goes completely tits up the OP will be even more vulnerable than she is now. He’ll have better prospects longer term. Even if he never learns to put his pants in the laundry bin, he’ll be able to earn a decent living and frankly out of the two things that’s the more important skill. Sort this out OP - you’re selling yourself short here.

Aggressive posters on this thread ...........why did you marry him if you knew he didnt pull his weight in the home.

Also.....................
But give him a chance. You never know!

If he earns £50k with a normal mortgage etc it’s quite high to be stressed about money, more about wanting more extravagant things in life. I’d tell him to sod off as he clearly doesn’t respect you and would rather trade your happiness for a fancy car.

Yes, that much is clear, and is a reason why many of us think it would be in OPs interests to try and earn more. Better to have as much independence as possible from such a nasty individual. Of course, it might be difficult to combine this with a teen with MH problems and a co-parent who appears to think his desire for a new car is more important. But in the long run, all the more reason not to be beholden.

Well of course you've never brought up the 30k in an argument because you admitted it was a joint decision! How can you bring up something that was partly your fault

All I'm picking up on this relationship is resentment on both sides. Neither of them wants to 'fund the other's preferred lifestyle', neither of them thinks the other one's contribution is fair, they don't seem to love or like each other, they don't want the same things.

It is possible that splitting up might help the son's mental health issues. He may find things better with two calm, happy homes rather than one fraught one.

yeah cos someone who is pressurizing and aggressive in bed is never pressurizing and aggressive out of it.

She said in the beginning that 20 years ago she wasn't into sex. Poor bugger only getting it when she wanted babies.

Goat Woman are you saying he was entitled to do what he did that caused her vaginismus and hospital visits (visits which be on your medical record OP should you ever need to access them) because thats rape culture.

If you are still reading op....

Liking your job does not turn it into a hobby

Your DH is not funding "your" lifestyle. His higher monetary contribution reflects your enormous domestic and parental contribution. If this were a step parent criticising a biological mother for "only" working 20 hours a week whilst caring for a child with serous mental health issues they would be CRUCIFIED by outraged posters

Your thread has really exposed how Mumsnet is full of middle class, out of touch, stuck up penis worshippers.

Your thread has really exposed how Mumsnet is full of middle class, out of touch, stuck up penis worshippers.

Sorry, but that did make me laugh. 😂

Whilst acknowledging the barriers created by needing to be available for her son, I do think that OP should look to maximise her income as far as possible, not necessarily by working FT hours.

Building a nest egg would generally be the advice giving to a woman in such a relationship, so that she is not in such a precarious financial position should the marriage end.

The sexual coercion is horrific, but as she recognised they were mismatched 20 years ago, that's a pretty clear signal to get out and find another path in life. Let alone have 2 kids and set up home.

Utterly grim for both the Of them.

It's a good job he put his foot down about the shagging so she ended up needing hospital appointments to sort the vaginismus. Bet it was really awkward for the poor sod when his wife appliance had a broken hole.

I'm not worshipping any penis, I'm advocating that women never, ever rely on a man over and above the baby/child years.

Sorry but she did say she gave up better paid work because she didn’t enjoy it. So she is choosing to earn very little and has done this since before the children were even born so hardly can be a result of her sons mh problems (which are probably not helped by his parents toxic relationship). She’s been choosing not to pull her weight financially for some time.

Equally her dh is not pulling his weight at home and he should do that. Doesn’t sound like his job is too full on either tbh. It’s wholly unacceptable to leave his dirty pants lying around. But it doesn’t excuse her from making a financial contribution.

Basically a marriage needs to be based on a contribution from both parties. Both need to negotiate and compromise. It doesn’t sound like much future for this relationship tho.

She recognised they were mismatched 20 years ago... I missed that. So given both children are quite a lot younger than that, why the hell go ahead and bring children into the world with some one you know is a bad bet?

Well Goat many women are seeing remaining childfree as an option And the number is expected to rise.

It does make you wonder about all the layers of what’s gone on here. She knew they were mismatched, equally, she knew she didn’t want to push herself out of her comfort zone and do higher paid work. Did she stick with dh partly because of his earning power?

The situation now sounds awful, not least for the poor children. But these situations don’t just arise out of nowhere... if the OP knew he wasn’t a good match she has to take responsibility for her decision to get married, have 2 kids, stay married.

That's a good thing considering overpopulation and climate change.

It's a very sad situation all round. I would have loved more children but stuck with one so I could offer her the best life I could. She has qualified as a solicitor and I was able to support her through Uni and beyond. I also have saved a deposit for her first home.

Sacrifes pay off.

OP you are not doing anything wrong!
You trained in a field and do what you love. Why should you sacrifice that to do something you hate?

Teenagers need guidance and support through their transition into adulthood and you absolutely should be able to provide that for them. It's a tricky time. So working part time is ideal.

You do all the housework, cooking, mental workload, everything, and it's always been that way. DH will never pull his weight if you worked ft. He will expect you to do it all. Probably because you won't be earning anywhere near his salary.

You've sacrificed your career to raise children while DH has gone to work, had a free cook and cleaner and not appreciated a damn thing you do for the family.

If he wants more money, then he can make savings around his hobby and his lunches. They all add up! He is incredibly selfish and unreasonable. Mother's work is work. Housework is work. Paid work, no matter how low paid, is work! Sounds like you do pretty much everything while he uses the excuse of "I earn more than you" to justify never pulling his weight and spending like it's going out of fashion.

Do you have expensive hobbies? Do you go away for weekends without the children? I'm willing to bet you don't.

Women's work is always undervalued by men and it's sexist as hell.

How a woman who does paid employment and does all the housework and child care at home 100% of the time is lazy and freeloading is shocking and upsetting to read.

I'm with you 100% OP. YANBU

The agree goatwoman. Saddest for the children who didn’t ask to be brought into a relationship which the OP seemed to know from the outset wasn’t going to work well

That should be I agree

the OP knew he wasn’t a good match she has to take responsibility for her decision to get married, have 2 kids, stay married

This is is exactly what I'm talking about.

They knew it wasn't a good match. They made a decision to get married. They decided to have two kids and stay married

Again, infantilising men.