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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

265 replies

Brushedcottonpjs · 22/08/2018 12:22

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave Sad
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

OP posts:
bluemoonchances · 22/08/2018 22:46

@Haworthia oh bore off. It's not about sides it's about empathy. I referred to child rather than son as a general attempt to get people to understand how a person in the woman's shoes is likely to feel around children.

OP if that did offend you I apologise to you.

Original poster
Brushedcottonpjs · 22/08/2018 22:54

The op took being made redundant following her maternity leave with a grace very few possess, that her “friend” was then unpleasant to her child was probably the straw that broke her back. Certainly the latter is the more minor of the two issues, which suggests op has done her utmost to see things from her friends point of view for quite some time now.*

This ^^ is how I felt at the housewarming. Wondering when this will get better. I think it might not and I'll accept it and keep my distance because I do understand and I do feel for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brushedcottonpjs · 22/08/2018 22:56

@SemperIdem sorry should have tagged you x

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 22/08/2018 22:56

'...keep my distance because I do understand and I do feel for her.'

I think that is really wise. I think your friendship has been really rough on you both. It's been hard and maybe moving away (emotionally) will be a release for you. Thanks

Original poster
Brushedcottonpjs · 22/08/2018 22:57

@bluemoonchances no offence taken, I get your point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brushedcottonpjs · 22/08/2018 22:58

Thanks @Italiangreyhound the whole situation is unexpected and very hard Sad

OP posts:
SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy · 22/08/2018 23:00

You're not being unreasonable to be upset but she is obviously in huge pain from the struggle to conceive and seeing you with a happy healthy little boy will be incredibly hard for her.
I think the friendship is over to be honest and you have done nothing wrong (and I think she has tried to separate her feelings about you from her feelings about your pregnancy / birth but has failed)

SteveMcGarrettsBudgieSmugglers · 22/08/2018 23:34

if she has been ttc for 10 years, you can not be her only friend to have had a baby, does she ignore those children as well? has she drifted away from other friends, or is it just you and your child she has a problem with

I would be inclined to let the friendship go, regardless of how she is feeling her behavior was nasty and unpleasant to an innocent child

gamerchick · 22/08/2018 23:42

I would expect empathy from mine. Something clearly lacking on this thread

Oh give over, if your friendships are ones where you tiptoe around each other or fuck off a good friendship because life isn't going your way rather than facing your shit head on then whatever floats your boat. Personally mine aren't like that.

I wouldn't treat a friend like that. If I wanted to 'self preserve' I own that shit. Not act out of petulance. Like yanno, doing someone out of a job because of it.

You can do the bleeding heart thing all you want. Makes no odds to me Wink

bluemoonchances · 23/08/2018 00:16

@gamerchick you are wrong. Showing empathy doesn't mean tip toeing, it means trying to support your friends. Like even though I've TTC for 8 years, I've thrown a baby shower for all of my pregnant close friends. Or when my close friend who has 3 young DC is close to the edge because the kids are driving her mad and her DH is working away again, I go round, help her with the kids and once their in bed listen to her off load about how hard it is having 3 kids under the age of 3, and I empathise and support her. Just like when she can see I'm struggling with my situation she goes out of her way to arrange child care and makes time with me without the kids because she can sense I need her support. Showing empathy just means that you are trying to understand why someone may be reacting to certain situations in certain ways. I prefer my friendship where me and my friends can be completely honest with each other and know without question we'll go above and beyond to support each other , because whatever circumstance you find yourself in, life is sometimes shit. And real friends recognise that in each other and are there without having to be asked.

gamerchick · 23/08/2018 00:20

Riiiight, so it's a 2 way street? You don't treat your friends in a shitty way and they dont to you then?

If your friend did treat you in a shitty way to the point of having to find a new job, how far would your empathy stretch?

BakedBeans47 · 23/08/2018 00:21

I can’t imagine how hard things are for her but it doesn’t mean you and your child have to tolerate being treated like shit. Cut ties.

bluemoonchances · 23/08/2018 00:30

The Op has explained several times that this thread is about the situation at the party, not the redundancy. And if she was able to cope without a PA and didn't get another then the redundancy stands. And if the friendship drifted after the pregnancy drifted and never got back on track, then clearly the friendship wasn't as close as OP thought.
My point is that this woman is being slated for trying to handle a situation with a child in the best way she could manage in that moment. It doesn't make her rude. And anyone with empathy would get that. It's not tip toeing it's understanding she was clearly finding the situation difficult. She LEFT THE ROOM. If she had just sat there and ignored the child until it went away while laughing and joking with whoever she was talking to , then yes I can see she would have been rude, that was not the situation.
I bet you're a great friend when your friends are having a shit time. Do you tell them to "own it" regardless of how shit they feel?

BakedBeans47 · 23/08/2018 00:34

If all that had happened was the forgotten birthday and the party issue I’d say the OP was def BU. But you can’t look at just that in isolation can you. It’s against a background of the other issues.

It took the OP 18 months to get pregnant too so it clearly wasn’t a walk in the park for her either.

bluemoonchances · 23/08/2018 00:45

With respect 18 months is nothing in the scheme of things. It feels like it at the time, I've been there, but at 18 months, even though it's hard, there's still hope left in you. At the point this woman is at, 10 years, hope is gone. There is just grief for the child that will never exist, the grandchildren that will never exist, and coming to terms with that while, what feels like, everyone around has those things that are taken for granted, even those that had to try for a couple of years. They didn't have to get to the stage of accepting it was never happening to them. Every person who has got to the reality of accepting it is never going to happen have already been on the path of the people who struggled, but were lucky enough to get off the path. Even if you've struggled you will never understand the grief of realising that there is no hope.

Italiangreyhound · 23/08/2018 01:10

'It took the OP 18 months to get pregnant too so it clearly wasn’t a walk in the park for her either.'

Totally agree with bluemoonchances.

'Even if you've struggled you will never understand the grief of realising that there is no hope.'

This is not about the OP, in that sense, it is about the woman who is still infertile 10 years after she started trying. Presumably she cannot be around pregnant women or babies or small children.

If other people have had a hard, difficult time getting pregnant it doesn't make it 'better' for this other women.

Sometimes situations mean a friendship cannot keep going. It doesn't make the person leaving the friendship a bad person.

holidaycountdown54321 · 23/08/2018 02:34

I'm in a similar situation only its my brother and sister in law. We've had 2 children in a relatively short space of time and they've basically ignored us and our children's existence. They live 5 minutes walk away!!! I've been very understanding, but there comes a time when you realise it's just dam right rude. They've seen our children maybe 5 times EVER and that's only through us being at my parents house at the same time. If they weren't my brother and sil I'd have moved on a long time ago.

By the sounds of it you probably should too op.

Blueroses99 · 23/08/2018 06:54

Gamerchick I think you contradict yourself. You say that you don’t want your friends to tip toe around each other and that issues should be faced head on but don’t seem to realise that facing issues head on might include distancing yourself from people that it is painful to be around. You would rather that your friends hide how they feel in order to act like they are normal just to maintain the friendship? In an ideal world, no one would be affected by anyone else’s children/pregnancies etc, but in the real world of infertility you hate yourself for doing it and feel guilty about it but there are some things that hurt and situations that you need to avoid. Empathy is needed, not judgment.

SerenDippitty · 23/08/2018 07:15

With respect 18 months is nothing in the scheme of things. It feels like it at the time, I've been there, but at 18 months, even though it's hard, there's still hope left in you.

18 months was the point at which we first went to the GP. We were prepared for it to take a while. At that point we were not thinking it would never happen. We spent the next 10 years having tests and procedures and IVF and I spent the next 5 after that with the hope of some miracle still at the back of my mind (after all miracles do happen don’t they? Oh yes). So yes 18 months is not long. I know only too well how the OP’s friend would have felt after 10 years.

strawberrypenguin · 23/08/2018 07:50

Making you redundant was awful as was her ignoring of your DS at the party. He isn't a baby anymore but a small child, she should have spoken to him even if it was only briefly.

Donthugmeimscared · 23/08/2018 07:54

I think the being made redundant part was pretty off but not talking to your toddler is understandable.

It's not the same but my mum had a friend who never spoke to me and if she came round when I was older I was asked to play in my room or was sent out to my grandparents. I never understood why until much later in life when my mum told me she had a baby just before I was born, her and my mum were teenagers and her parents pressured her to have her child adopted. So seeing me was a reminder of what she had lost. She never managed to have children later in life so even now almost 40years on at social events she will nod a hello but that's it. I will never know the pain she feels so I don't judge her. Yes it upset me when I was younger but at least they managed to keep their friendship through such horrible circumstances.

allthatmalarkey · 23/08/2018 07:56

She's in a permanent state of pretty unimaginable grief with no closure and no chance to move on and rebuild until she knows it will definitely never happen. She has to act like everything's fine when it's not. People do behave badly under those circumstances.

JW1226 · 23/08/2018 08:09

She's not a true friend x

BuntyII · 23/08/2018 08:21

YANBU, she has her reasons for acting like she did but that doesn't mean YABU for feeling angry. I think most people would feel angry at seeing their child ignored by a friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/08/2018 08:22

Yes it is obvious that the friend is hurting deeply, and is self preserving by withdrawing from op, but none of this is op or her ds fault. It is obvious now op has a child, this has changed the friendship for her so she finds it difficult to be around op. Therefore the friendship is no more, op now has to let go of this friendship. Yiu cannot avoid people with babies, life is full of them, the friend needs prifessional help.

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