To be angry with my friend *TRIGGER* friend is ttc

[Brushedcottonpjs]

Friends since high school, very close during our teens/early 20's with nights out, holidaying, sharing everything etc. We were so close.

She helped me out in a massive way by employing me as her PA and things were so so good!

Friend had confided in me that she'd been ttc since they got married (now over 10 years ago) and we'd shed many tears together over it.
The time came for me and my dp to ttc and I told her that we were but didn't make a big deal of it to spare her feelings.
It took 18 months before I got pg, I told her quite early on partly for work reasons and partly because I didn't want her thinking I'd concealed my pg from her due to her still ttc.
Her reaction was mixed, as I expected and we had a few tears together about how it would be her too soon enough etc.

Since then she's changed. She began working from home a lot as my bump became more obvious, which was hard for me (no more long lunches, laughing and chatting etc) but I reasoned it was much, much harder for her to see me about to have a baby whilst wanting her own so desperately.
I went on mat leave and she went very low contact with me, the odd reply to my emails and being very busy if I wanted to visit her. She did call to my flat with cards/flowers etc for my birthday and when my ds was born. Always flying visits but I figured she would be struggling and was grateful to her for her efforts.

She then made me redundant at the end of my mat leave
Gave very good reasons and by the book etc but it was a blow.

The contact has remained similar but she has 'forgotten' both of my ds birthdays (my birthday is 2 weeks after his and she's called in with flowers for me on my birthday)

Was invited to a mutual friends housewarming last weekend and she was there with her dh.
We hugged warmly and chatted about her work and my new work etc then we were all sat in the lounge, about 15 of us.
Whilst I chatted to someone else I could see my ds trying to show her his toy, she was ignoring him, I could tell that she could see and hear him perfectly well but she just blanked him.
The host called over to her 'the little one wants to show you his toy'
She still didn't acknowledge him, she actually got up and went into the kitchen, her dh followed her. I assume she was upset.

Am I bu to be pissed off with this now? All that's happened since I got pg I've put up with and been as understanding as I can but for her to just ignore my little boy in front of everyone like that, has she gone too far now?

Some people are just bellends

Yes, and there are some prime examples on this thread.

She has been TTC for ten years. 10 years of having your hopes dashed every single month.

Brushedcottonpjs I'm sorry if your friend's plight has detracted from your joy of pregnancy etc. The onus is on you to remove yourself from her, just as she has from situations that are painful for her.

The responses to your poor friend on here are utterly vile.

No one owes anyone else their time or attention in a non-professional capacity if to do so is very painful for them.

Removing oneself from harm does not make one a cunt. I cannot believe that needs saying!

Maybe, the friendship has ended. Maybe it will continue away from the child/ten. You and she can decide.

I sincerely hope she never sees this thread.

She doesn't need to read this thread to know the she is being judged and found to be a bitter, twisted old hag by society. She's living it every day and with each birthday she will know that she is getting closer to the day when all hope is gone.

OP O think on balance YABU to be angry with her. She probably cannot bear to be around babies, young children and pregnant women. She does not owe anyone her company. She may even miss your company at work.

Suggestions on here about her character are absolutely nauseating.

No one has to acknowledge friends' children's birthdays or interact with friends' children.

If you were worried about the impact on your child you could have removed them before the woman felt the need to remove herself.

Infertility is a kind of bereavement. But unlike a death where you can begin to heal, it goes on and on with ever dwindling hope.

I think I'd be devastated to be made redundant, but sometimes it happens. Sometimes there are good reasons for redundancies and you accepted that in the past.

Her efforts to acknowledge your pregnancy and remember your birthday shows care. But 'kindness' does sometimes cost us something - emotionally.

We all know full well why she cannot interact with your child.

auditqueen o am so sorry for your position and that of any person going through a very difficult journey of ttc

I hope my posts were not upsetting.

Yes, and there are some prime examples on this thread

She has been TTC for ten years. 10 years of having your hopes dashed every single month

Doesn't give you a green light to be a bellend.

Doesn't give you a green light to be a bellend.

Good job she wasn’t then. Unlike some of the nasty people on this thread.

I know this isn't the case in this situation, but sometimes people just don't like kids.

God yes! Mine are older now, but I found the toddler stage really hard and now, I have very little patience for toddlers. Just nope.

She has been TTC for ten years. 10 years of having your hopes dashed every single month.

I don't want a race to the bottom here and I do get where you are coming from. But rudeness is rudeness and can be avoided more often than not.

I attended the fertility clinic first when I was 22, the last time I went I was 37 that's 15 years or, since we are talking about monthly disappointments, 180 months. Some months were tougher than others. I worked for SS back then with lots of very sad child situations but somehow I managed to stay civil until I was at home.

I'm not saying everyone can do this, nor am I saying there weren't times when maybe I was a little snippy but I don't like the generalisation that all women going through infertility have the right to have their feelings and problems trump everyone else's.

To all saying I should have removed my ds before it got too much for her, it all happened very quickly really and I would have distracted him but actually I was too busy wondering whether she was trying to get at me somehow by blatantly ignoring him. I’m aware now that I was bu.

And as far as being ignorant about her fertility issues I’ll say this. We were close friends for over two decades. We spoke regularly about her ttc for the first 7 years of her doing so. Including discussing invasive tests and treatments. So I do have quite a bit of knowledge of what they went through. That all stopped when I told her I was pg around 3 years ago. I’m still very much considerate of her problems (besides my recent bu) but it’s been downhill from there for us as friends really, all engineered by my friend. I think that’s the crux of my problem, losing my friend.

I think no one was really BU unreasonable here. I think she has acted in a less than ideal way, but for understandable reasons. Probably she could’ve been honest with you and said “brushed, I have enjoyed our friendship but I just can’t anymor - it’s too painful”. And if I were you I would reach out to her and say you’re there for her but do understand if she doesn’t want to be around you now.

It’s very sad for you OP and I am sorry. Your child isn’t just some random child to her, it’s her friend’s child so yes I would’ve expected her to interact (not remember birthday though, she’s not the godparent) but as PPs have said it was probably just too much.

What a poor lady. I was told I wouldn’t have a baby and between that time and conceiving DS (which was not long actually) I just cried in the car when I drove past pregnant women or women with their babies. I can’t even begin to imagine 10 years. Take comfort in your children and thank be grateful you are not suffering like she is, and let her know you are there if she ever needs you.

Good job she wasn’t then. Unlike some of the nasty people on this thread

I would say cutting someone off, making them lose their job and acting like a dick to a little kid after accepting years of support is acting like a bellend.

Or maybe I expect different from my friends.

I agree gamerchick. I think that’s pretty bellend-y behaviour myself.

It’s not bellend-y behaviour, it’s self-preservation. You might be asking someone to put gratitude for years of support above their own mental health. To many people struggling with infertility, life feels like it’s standing still and you feel guilty about not being able to cope with every day situations. Empathy is needed, not name calling.

the more I think about it, the more I reckon the only really unreasonable bit is OP letting her kid bug someone who could not have made it clearer they did not want to be around her kid. She shouldn't have been in the position of having to ignore him at all,

Yanbu to be angry but I'd draw a line under the friendship and avoid seeing her again with your ds if possible. She understandably finds the situation painful but I grant you that ignoring someone who is clearly speaking to you is rude, child or not.

Meant to say yabu to be angry! Mistyped. Angry is too far given the circumstances but yes she was rude.

Blackberry

Given the circumstances? The op took being made redundant following her maternity leave with a grace very few possess, that her “friend” was then unpleasant to her child was probably the straw that broke her back. Certainly the latter is the more minor of the two issues, which suggests op has done her utmost to see things from her friends point of view for quite some time now.

'But rudeness is rudeness and can be avoided more often than not.' Not wanting to interact with a child or not wanting to send a friend's child a card or present on their birthday is not rudeness. Not in this circumstance.

nokidshere I am sorry for your experiences. And yes, when one is working one does need to get the job done but this was a social situation. One single situation that was mentioned initially.

But OP if ' it all happened very quickly really...' then your friend was hardly ignoring your child for long.

" I was too busy wondering whether she was trying to get at me somehow by blatantly ignoring him." How can this thought even enter your head. Why would she do that?

"I’m aware now that I was bu" Good. It does seem as if this friendship has taken its toll on you and I think removing yourself fro the friendship would be good. It is not your fault your friend has had this experience and you've become a mum. You have nothing to reproach yourself for but then neither does she. It's just a sad mess. But you can remove yourself easily and maybe in time you will find she and you can be friends again. Or maybe not. It is neither of you to blame for things not working out here.

The redundancy thing is not really something any of us can judge here is it. The OP was out of the office on maternity leave and returned. None of us know the finances of the place or what shape the business was in.

OMG I can't even get my head round that people genuinely think she was being rude!

Doesn't even occur to people that this woman was, for the whole time being there , probably hypersensitive to the fact that this child was even in the room and holding herself together, and when it tried to talk to her she couldn't cope... hence leaving the room. I'm sure if she could have said something to the child to acknowledge the toy without becoming upset, then she would have done. She didn't sit and ignore it until it went away, she felt the need to physically leave the room FFS. If she'd had tried to interact and ended up becoming upset the same people accusing her of being rude would be accusing her of being an attention seeker.

Like other women in the same boat, she will have good days and bad days coping. It was clearly a bad day for her. On another day maybe she could have cope with an interaction.

I couldn’t agree more blemoonchances. Some people do not seem to know the difference between being deliberately rude and being unable to cope with one’s emotions to the extent one simply has to leave the room.

I think it shows whose side you’re on when you refer to the OP’s child as “it”, tbh.

I went through IVF the same week at the same clinic as an aquaintance and we both conceived. Met up a few times. I lost my baby to miscarriage, and she carried to term. We lost touch day to day during this time as I was in a lot of grief and she felt awkward- there was no falling out or anything but we don’t see each other day to day.

While her son is absolutely nothing to do with my lost baby, if I’m honest, every single time I see a photo of him on FB I think how my baby would be exactly his age and I get very sad. I dread to think how I’d feel if I actually saw him in real life. Personally I’d not ignore him or whatever but it would take a LOT to be normal, which I’d manage. It’s really just this particular child I feel this way abou, because of the specific circumstances.

I do think that it’s a coping mechanism your friend employs. She’s obviously grief-stricken about her circumstance and doesn’t know how to direct her feelings. I’m sorry for the loss of your friendship.

Or maybe I expect different from my friends.

I would expect empathy from mine. Something clearly lacking on this thread.