Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

[adviceneededplease18]

AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

I've recently split from my partner so much as I don't want to admit it - don't want to be alone

That is not your DC or their DF issue. You are guilt tripping of the highest order.

You're being selfish and should allow Dad to have their child at Xmas.

Being a parent is about being selfless. It’d hurt like hell if my ex wanted our child to go half around the world for 4 weeks but I’d suck it up and fake a happy smile. I’d let my child make their own choice.

You will push your DC away if you continue to behave like this.

I appreciate what everyone is saying. However it isn't as simple as that. I've asked if they will consider other dates. DC has 2 months off (dec/jan) and 2 week holiday coming up sep/oct - surely there must be an option rather than Christmas. I think that's fairer on everyone.

So dad will fly with him? I think that sounds ok. I would say three weeks and they could go just after Christmas, they can celebrate Christmas again there. I would make sure he has to return the child legally first though.

No. You think it's better for you. Not fairer for everyone. At least own your own shit.

Bloody hell. Your job as a parent would be to wave them off cheerily, telling them that you are sure that they will have an amazing time and that you can’t wait to hear all about it when they are back.

Your job is NOT to allow them to think that your heart will be broken or that you will in any way be suffering by their absence. If they say that they will miss you then you can say that of course you’ll miss them too but isn’t it it a fantastic opportunity to experience a British Christmas, and the 2 (or 3) weeks will fly past before you both know it.

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them

Oh well that's one (nasty & manipulative) way to ensure you get your own way

How the fuck is it fairer for one parent to monopolise Christmas year after year?!? Maybe it’s heartbreaking for their dad to miss out on Christmas every year? Jesus fucking Christ - what’s fair is Christmas every other year!! You are so so so out of touch with how things should be

I actually can't believe what l have read from the OP.

You don't care what the child wants or how they feel.

You are selfish and actually quite emotionally abusive in your treatment of your child by telling them your feelings.

The only person "It's fairer" on is you.

I am actually quite shocked at how nasty you are coming across.

I really hope the Dad takes you to court for access as you'll be alone for many more Christmas' then.

You’re clearly not about to listen to anyone on this thread. Not sure why you posted.

You’re making life very difficult for your child here.

A big part of being a parent is to identity the child's needs and wants versus what you're able and/or willing to provide.

My ds is older than yours. He is 15.
We haven't been able to afford a holiday abroad this year but his dad ( with new wife and toddler ) asked if he could take him for 2 weeks with them.

Who the hell am I to stand in his way of a lovely holiday just because we couldn't afford one ourselves? Same way you can't afford the trip yourself and his dad can.

My ex is much better off than me and has amazing holidays all over the world. I don't begrudge him a thing. He wants to spend time with our son and whether or not i miss him does not feature in it.

We've been separated since he was 2 so I have had years of this. You're selfish. And you know it. Your child will soon realise too.

Be the best parent you can by letting him go, literally and metaphorically.

Please OP, listen to what people are saying here, for the sake of your child.

I sent my dd back to her home country for Christmas when she was eight to visit her grandparents and her father. She stayed for five weeks and had a whale of a time. Your son is perfectly capable of enjoying four weeks.

You are too! Make plans and arrangements to meet up with people. You owe it to your son. And he is not to miss you. Tell him to live in the moment and he will have plenty of time to spend with you when he comes back.

Fairer in who?

However it isn't as simple as that
It really is. Your own words say so

I think that's fairer on everyone
Don't for one second pretend that this is about anyone but YOU. You don't care about anyone else, you've made that quite clear. You've also, quite openly, shown that emotional abuse of your own child is part of your method to get your own way.

The fact that you haven't changed your opinion in any way makes me fear the damage you have probably already caused and will continue to cause your child.

If your child travels in January, say, the weather will be miserable, the people he is visiting will be working and busy with their everyday lives, and everyone else will have to miss Christmas together. What about your ex and his wife and their families?

I am a single mom to two boys age 10 & 12. My ex and I are both Canadian born. Have roots from all overseas. I make more money then my ex and have 75% custody. If he ever had the opportunity to take our children overseas for a trip I would be green with envy as I want to do that for and with our children. I would, with questions, ie what are your plans, where are you staying etc as my ex doesn’t always have the best follow through, hand over the children’s passports with a letter stating I gave him permission to travel to x countries as per our agreement.

My selfishness should not take away from my children’s joy of travel and learning new things.

Also and FYI for anyone that cares, my DC’s old psychologist told both of us to never tell them we miss them. Why you ask, well, it puts adult emotions onto them. They were younger then but it makes sense. If you say miss you, darling♥️ They then get sad being a dad or moms house worrying that mom or dad is upset missing them. They then get upset and confused at where they should be and pulled in all directions. It is not healthy for the children at all to take on adults emotions. Telling him it will break your heart is on the same line. He shouldn’t be taking on adult emotions in any shape nor should any child.

Let him go, emotion free. Tell him to have a blast and either before he goes or after he gets back have your own Christmas. Have fun while he is gone, do stuff you normally don’t when he is there. Have girl fri ndsnover for a fun wacky sleep over. Go on a mini weekend vacay. Do something to re-centre yourself just for you. It dowas ant have to be expensive, just something for you.

OP - I’m in the same situation as you. For my ex-DP and I, the priority has always been supporting our DC to have a relationship with extended family ‘back home’. It’s meant that, from a very young age, DC have done the same trip (4 weeks or longer at a time) with one of us, other parent staying behind. More times now than I can count. DC have a great relationship with the grandparents because they have been allowed to travel so often. And it’s done no harm to DC to be away from Mum or dad for 4 weeks at a time.

Please stop being selfish. When you choose to live overseas, this is the consequence you must bear for the good of your DC. Let your DS go, tell him he will have an amazing time and then book yourself something really fun to do over Xmas. Really - lots of us do it, you can too.

Unfortunately it has been me and my child very much against the world and they are very protective of me. So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go.

That would be emotional blackmail. Please don’t do that.

OP if you really loved your child you will let them go and not use emotional blackmail to stop him.

I've seen the outcome of needy parents, particularly single parents, when I've volunteered to help older disabled people. They are the ones whose children avoid contacting them in adulthood. There as those who do what PPs have said tend to have good adult relationships with their children and/or younger generations in their families plus have volunteers who repeatedly want to help them.

The best thing you can do for your child is work on your mental health and get some hobbies. If you emotionally blackmail him he will either be stuck with a crappy limited life trying to please you or will avoid contact with you as an adult.

yes it IS as simple as that. if you manipulate and blackmail your child they will resent you and eventually rebel. you are the adult, stop being so selfish!

Or worse, feel overanxious and find it hard to establish themself as an independent adult. (Been there and got that T shirt!)

Yes, the “me and my child [as a unit] against the world”, them being “protective” of you idea is unhealthy. It’s YOU against the world, caring for your child, who has two parents.

If your child doesn't want to go for Christmas then there's your answer. It's not you being selfish, it's you doing what your child wants. Could you not suggest another time during the holidays?

there must be an option rather than Christmas. I think that's fairer on everyone
Nope. It's not fair on anyone except you. Surely you can see how incredibly selfish you are being? Let him go and enjoy a great family time with his dad and step mum and grandparents because guess what? They are ask his family. Going another time in the year won't be the same.

Grow up and suck it up.