Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

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AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

It's shitty and untrue to say things like "if you loved yoyr child you'd let them go".

I don’t think anyone has said that. What has been said is that it would be shitty to emotionally blackmail the child into not going.

Wow op, how selfish and manipulative are you? You'll tell your child their going will break your heart? Of course it won't because the most important person to you is you.

Seren, someone has said that, further up the thread.

This is all bollocks.

The parent who has majority care of the child gets Christmas, birthdays and any other important events. The one who ducked out fits in when they can.

Dd (now adult) found that time spent away from home to be with her father and his family, on special occasions, spoiled her enjoyment of them.

That's not how it works, Mary. Christmas should be split between both parents.

OP, you really don't seem to have your child's best interests at heart here.

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go.

This would be a disgusting thing for you to do. You sound rather manipulative and selfish.

Plus, Mary in this case there is 50:50 care so your assertion doesn't really factor. I hope that the OP is truly taking on board the comments about manipulating her child but I fear not.

From my experience, we alternate Christmases. The first is the worst

The one who ducked out fits in when they can.

If you read the thread, you would see that it was the OP who left. And they have 50 -50 care.

Jux My eldest has been away from us on quite a few week long trips of her own free will (school and with a grandparent) and wants to be reassured that we will miss her; she tends to say "I'll miss you, will you miss me?" at some point before leaving. It's how you say it though I think - she doesn't want to "break our hearts", just to know we'll be thinking of her fondly. I'll miss you but you'll have a great time and I'll catch up on sleep and get lots of work done, and look forward to hearing about your adventures when you get home" is totally different from "It'll break my heart if you go".

I don't think either parent should take a child away from the other parent for a month, over Christmas. Where there is 50/50 care, Christmas day should be alternated, but a month is not reasonable at this time of year. The child has no way of knowing how homesick they will feel, evrn if they think they want to go.

Also it's a hell of way to travel if something happens and OP needs to get there quickly.

Yes. I agree a month is too lo g. 2 weeks would be a normal court order

The parent who has majority care of the child gets Christmas, birthdays and any other important events. The one who ducked out fits in when they can.

If you RTFT you would see they have 50:50 care, OP is the one who left and she's upset because she would be on her own as just split up with current partner.

A month on the other side of the world is too long and too far for a child to be without their primary carer

She isn't the primary carer! RTFT

Your child doesn’t want to go but many people think you are utterly selfish?
I would only allow any visit if I was absolutely sure of my legal position and its enforceability. What will your country do if your ex refuses to let the child return? You have no legal agreement? It could take years if he decides to turn nasty! Great that things are amicable but I would get things on a proper legal footing before I was fine with international travel for almost a month.

@mariniere I agree that it's not as one-sided as is being made out on this thread, but posters reacted to the OP saying she would tell her son that it would 'break her heart' if he went and her comment that it had always been the two of them against the world. That's what posters are calling selfish.

If the DS genuinely doesn't want to go (and isn't simply afraid of his mum being lonely without him at Christmas), then there does need to be further discussion, like him maybe going for a shorter period?

Alright Sally, consider my post changed to 'a month is too long and too far for a child to be to be without either their mother or father'.

Your child wants to go. He can go at Xmas if he thinks you don't mind it. Atm, he knows that you don't want him to go so he doesn't want to upset you.

Have a nice chat with him and set his mind at rest. Tell him you'll be perfectly OK, there are lots of lovely things you can do at Xmas and one of the nicest things you can think of is him having a fabulous time in the UK with all of dh's family, doing all the fun things that are traditional here, with luck there'll be snow and it'll be fabulous.

Be a good mum and not an emotional vampire.

I've asked if they will consider other dates....- surely there must be an option rather than Christmas. I think that's fairer on everyone

No. It's unfair on everyone else. The only one who would benefit from that is you - just as you've been the one to benefit from Christmas every year since your child was born, whilst his other parent missed out.

If my child had the chance to spend Christmas in a totally different hemisphere/situation I'd be thrilled for them to experience something so novel. Would I miss them and secretly want them home with me? Of course. But I would never in a million years let the child know that. That'd be grossly unfair to my child. I'd put them first and just suck it up.

I would not let my child leave the country without a very detailed custody document in place.

You need to start thinking about your child and what is best for them and stop putting your needs and wants first. You’ve had 10 Christmas Days are you really going to begrudge them ONE with their dad? And to tell them they will break your heart if they go is emotional abuse and an absolutely disgusting thing to say to a child!

Mind you setting the poor kid up to believe he's going to get a magical white Christmas is also a bit cruel - when did it last snow at Christmas in any part of the UK? He's more likely to be going to get drizzle in Doncaster or overcast and grey in Luton than snow and Christmas "magic". 3-4 weeks mainly with step grandparents parents will probably involve phases of boredom and homesickness as well as excitement.

No need to romanticise either potential Christmas. All this talk of promising him winter magic is almost as silly as the "me and my child against the world" (even though his dad is a good dad who has him 50% of the time) and "it'd break my heart" melodrama.

DO NOT tell them it will break your heart! How VERY selfish and manipulative! You can celebrate with them when they get back. It is your JOB to ENCOURAGE them to go.

blueskiesandforests the magic isn’t just about snow. It’s the cold, going dark early so you have hours of Christmas lights, bare trees decorated with lights, robins in the garden, holly, hot chocolate, eating a big roast dinner, seeing Father Christmas wearing his “proper” outfit, rather than shorts and thongs!

Shampooee hmm not sure how "magical" that is, especially to an 11 year old who normally won't believe in father Christmas.

Different and interesting absolutely, fun hopefully. Over hyping the "magic" in advance and potentially mixing disappointment and anticlimax in with a bit of homesickness won't make Christmas day away from home easier though. The reality will be lots of interesting new experiences, highs and lows, fun and boredom, not 3 weeks of magic.

Be realistic on both sides. Travelling with dad will be exciting and a good chance to spend time together, a winter holiday to spend Christmas in a new country where your parents grew up will be interesting, sometimes exciting, hopefully fun. Far too much drama and overplaying either "broken hearts" or "magic" just sets the holiday up to fail.