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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

307 replies

adviceneededplease18 · 22/08/2018 09:45

AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 23/08/2018 09:22

So you've recently split from a partner and you 50:50 parent and yet it's been 'you and your child against the world'? Hmm

Unless we suffer a genuine apocalypse, a 10 year old should never have to face the weight of the world.

postcardsfrom · 23/08/2018 09:24

YANBU - that's long time to be away. Not sure why other posters are saying you're being unfair, presumably the dad DOES usually see kid around Xmas time when he's not away. I'd say no - especially if kid doesn't want to spend the Xmas away.
How about a compromise where the dad takes kid for 2 weeks not 3-4?

Aworldofmyown · 23/08/2018 09:29

Your are being selfish, you need to encourage your child to go.
Your having a tough time but your child is not responsible for your happiness.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 23/08/2018 09:33

DO NOT tell your child it will break your heart, that's emotional blackmail and very very selfish. You've said it's school holidays and he's going for a month, so you still have a month in the holidays with him. Take the time to concentrate on you, jesus I'd love a month to myself lol. Don't look to your child to fulfil you and fill the void, it's unhealthy, unreasonable and just shit.

Let him go, send him off with a smile saying you want him to have a fantastic time, no emotional bullshit.

crispysausagerolls · 23/08/2018 09:37

This thread is absolutely outrageous. Even if not for your disgusting update where you are going to emotionally blackmail your son into staying because you are newly single, of COURSE it is unreasonable for you to be co parenting with an involved and loving father and not let him have alternate Christmasses. I hate parents like you! You don’t have a monopoly on your child because you are the mother FFS. And given how you view your relationship with your son as some sort of crutch I think it would do him (and you!) the world of good for him to be away for a month.

spanieleyes · 23/08/2018 09:46

You do NOT say it will break your heart.
You do NOT stop him from going.
You do NOT even consider going too.
You do NOT use your child as some sort of emotional crutch.
You do NOT punish your ex because your partner has left.

You do what we all do, smile and say what a wonderful time your son will have , wave him off at the airport and leave him to have a lovely holiday.

MorningsEleven · 23/08/2018 10:17

Everything that @spanieleyes said.

Emotionally blackmailing a child will never end well.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 23/08/2018 10:41

Bloody hell you're no better than those abusive people who threaten to do something stupid if their partner leaves them. How crap will your DC feel if they stay and feel responsible for keeping you happy, or if they go knowing they're leaving behind their heartbroken mother? Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

Actually scrap all that, this can't be real. No one is that utterly selfish.

YeTalkShiteHen · 23/08/2018 10:47

You do NOT say it will break your heart.
You do NOT stop him from going.
You do NOT even consider going too.
You do NOT use your child as some sort of emotional crutch.
You do NOT punish your ex because your partner has left.

You do what we all do, smile and say what a wonderful time your son will have , wave him off at the airport and leave him to have a lovely holiday

This!b

Aeroflotgirl · 23/08/2018 11:05

Op you don't tell them that, very inappropriate, they will feel that they are responsible for your happiness, which they are not. You smile, tell them to have a good time and that's it, or it has the abity to become toxic.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 23/08/2018 11:14

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them

I would class that as emotionally abusing your child. How dare you put that onto him?

bigfishlittlefishtupperwarebox · 23/08/2018 11:17

Oh for goodness sake, that's ridiculous!! My 8yo DSD's Mum says things like this to DSD when she comes EOW, how much she will miss her and can't wait til she's back, them against the world etc. We now struggle to have her for more than 3 nights as she's so incredibly upset about her mum being on her own.

We live over an hour away so can't have her through the week at school time so can't get her any more used to time away other than in school holidays. It's at the point now where we just can't take her away on holiday, and her mum can't afford it, so she NEVER gets a holiday and feels shit going back to school when all her friends talk about where they've been.

Think about what you're doing to your child, making them solely responsible for your emotional welfare. It's setting them up for a lifetime of being your crutch. They won't want to go on school residentials, holidays with friends, even as far on as university and moving away for work.

GreenTulips · 23/08/2018 11:18

DD recently forfeited a familly holiday to go with friends parents.

Of coarse I missed her - but they grow up

I am agreat believer in letting children explore and experience new things, they will miss the comforts of home and he will miss you, but that's not a reason for him to stay home.

Let him go with your blessing

PurpleMac · 23/08/2018 11:23

Sorry OP but it's really not "you and your DS against the world". Your DS has another, equal, parent. Your ex could well decide it was him and DS against the world too. But because your ex is married you seem to think that's a replacement for his child and he should be happy to have his partner at Christmas in place of his son? Is that how you felt with your most recent partner, or was your DS still far more important? Because I would bet that it how your ex feels too. It doesn't matter that he won't otherwise be alone at Christmas and you will. It's about your son having experiences with each of his parents and their respective families.

RaspberryRuffless · 23/08/2018 11:26

Why would you guilt-trip your child like that by saying it’ll break your heart? What a horrible thing to do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2018 11:51

I feel a bit stupid for giving you the benefit of the doubt now Sad

All the points have been made already. Be a grown up. Parent your child which means putting their needs above yours.

You're lucky your ex has put up with your behaviour as long as he has and I hope he now puts a stop to it for the sake of your child.

You and the DC against the world when your ex has 50% of the care and responsibility? Hmmm.

alleypalley · 23/08/2018 18:03

spanieleyes has just nailed it. Unfortunately it doesn't look like OP will be back so will probably take no notice.

Shampooeeee · 23/08/2018 19:56

If I was in your position, I would make my child a “bucket list” of things to do in the UK that reminded me of my childhood. That way you could be involved without being there.

Jux · 23/08/2018 20:06

Your ds will either become a half-man, wanking in his childhood bedroom and trolling as his social contact, or he'll be gone as soon as he possibly can wiping the dust of your house off his feet never to return.

Don't set him up for failure in life. The point of stable family is so that your children feel confident enough to leap but secure enough to return, knowing they can leap again. Do that for him.

PlaymobilPirate · 23/08/2018 20:10

You're planning on guilt tripping a10 year old?? Nice

OutPinked · 23/08/2018 20:27

It’s not you and DC against the world at all. You’re not a sole parent, your DC has another equal 50:50 parent involved.

That parent wants to spend Christmas with them for the first time in eleven years and they also want to take them to see their ancestral country for the first time. You are blocking it purely out of spite and bitterness because you don’t want to spend Christmas alone. It’s not your DC’s fault you and your partner split, nor is it their Dad’s. He isn’t a crappy flakey dad, he has 50:50 PR ffs.

Don’t manipulate and guilt trip your DC to get what you want, just smile and wave them off. Cry when you get home, you’re a big girl and you will be fine. It’s one Christmas alone, see if you have any friends you could spend it with.

yikesanotherbooboo · 23/08/2018 20:34

What? OP please don't tell your child that it will make you sad if they leave you for a holiday . Please please don't . Say DC how fantastic, what a wonderful adventure with your DDad and his wife. What a wonderful lime you will have seeing all your family and having a British Christmas. I will be on tenterhooks when you come back to hear all your exciting news and to see all your pictures.
If you like you can plan a post Christmas Christmas to have and look forward to with DC on their return.
What a terrific opportunity this is for DC to travel with their father to see family.
Step up ; it's only for a few weeks and your positive attitude could not only make all the difference to DC's enjoyment of this trip it could also have a lasting positive impact on their relationship with you.

puzzledlady · 23/08/2018 20:52

Don’t stoop so low OP - please don’t make your child feel bad, please please please don’t. Emotionally Manipulating a child is awful - manipulation by their own parent - the worst.

Buggeroffalo · 23/08/2018 21:06

It’s utterly vile you would make your child sad to make yourself feel better. Consider that before you lay a guilt trip on them. You’re supposed to put your child’s happiness BEFORE your own.

SillySallySingsSongs · 23/08/2018 21:12

Unfortunately it has been me and my child very much against the world and they are very protective of me.

That is an unfair position to put a child in.

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them

That's emotionally controlling and extremely manipulative.

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