Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

[adviceneededplease18]

AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

. I think that's fairer on everyone.

Nah it's just fairer on you because the only person you're thinking about is yourself.

Some people deserve to be on their own at Xmas to reflect on their behaviour.

Christmas is just a day. Go volunteer, put in extra shifts at work etc. Or go Tinder crazy 😉

You've said it would help with childcare. Maybe then you could have a few weeks off when they get back.

Give your child a wonderful unselfish Christmas present by letting him go and experience a British Christmas. I bet he only doesn’t want to go at Christmas because he knows you don’t want him to.

Yes you’ll be lonely but remember your job as a mum is to do the best for him not think of yourself first.

OP - I’m not even sure you’re reading the other messages from people based on the things you’ve said. You are putting a very adult weight on your 11 year old, and they WILL eventually come to resent you for making them your emotional caregiver when they are a child. All the toys and cuddles in the world don’t cancel out that kind of stress on a child.

If you have had every single Christmas and continually refused to let your child go to the UK three times before now when it wasn’t Christmas, then pretty soon the relationship with your child’s father will deteriorate and he will probably take you to court because he may (I’m sorry but rightly) be afraid of you emotionally damaging your child permanently with this “breaking my heart” stuff to an 11 year old.

I am trying to say this as kindly as possible, but you are hurting your child, you are robbing them of a childhood, and you need to get into counseling right now.

The day will come when your son marries and you don’t want to be “that MIL” or your son has a wonderful job opportunity in the another country (or even university - which is closer than you think!), and you ruin it for him with guilt. Please, please don’t do this - I’ve watched this happen and it’s awful. This is a road that ends in no contact between you and your son, so he can be healthy and free, even if you think it’s you two “against the world” right now.

I wish you the best of luck. I’m sure you're a loving mum and don’t want to hurt your son. But now you know this is emotionally unhealthy (from hundreds of people), you cannot just bury your head in the sand.

Sorry OP but it is fairer to let your ex, his wife and your DC enjoy Christmas with their families in the UK and to experience a British Christmas.

The only person to benefit from not going at Christmas is you. You can’t be the only one that matters can you?

Please rethink and be prepared to wave your child off for their sake.

DP was raised by a mum who would say things like it would break my heart to see you go and lay all sorts of emotional blackmail on him. He's in his late 30s and still an absolute mess because of it.

Don't put your needs above your child's

My DH has a mother who behaved like this. Because of it he just can’t be bothered with her now. He realised she was selfish and thought of herself and not his best interests. It continues to affect him but has made him the parent he is today, putting his children first in his plans. Do bear that in mind.
You may find some time to yourself to focus on doing things for you a great break and feel reenergised to be the best parent you can when he returns from a great trip.

CanuckBC, that's interesting what your psych said about telling children you miss them. We/I were occasionally sent off to stay with relatives, or my grandmother would take us to stay with friends of hers in the country. When reunited with our parents, they would always say they'd missed me, and it never felt bad, quite the opposite. It made me feel more loved. I was never confused about whether I should be at home or was allowed to enjoy myself when I was away.

Have you reflected on why your relationships break down? Are you clingy and controlling, or so selfish? You need some time to yourself to reflect on that.

I'm sorry, that ^ was really bitchy.

OP you have to let them go. It's painful especially the first time but they need to experience Xmas with their Dad. I split with DS dad when he was 18 months and we do alternate Christmases especially since both families now have siblings for DS. I have no contact with DS Dad and dislike him greatly and his family however my DS does not and it's about him not me.

Christmas in the U.K. is magical. January can be a bit grim.
If your ex’s wife is close to her parents, I’m sure she would love to spend Christmas with them. I guess in previous years she has had to choose between her parents and her husband, because of your DC keeping him in Oz.
If you get on and she is a good step mother, surely you could have some compassion and let her have her dream Christmas.

Jux - but a good point. When any relationship breaks now, there should always be some self reflection as to why.

FWIW my mum pulled similar shitty guilt trips when I was an adult. As a result of her behaviour, I will always keep her at arm’s reach. I won’t ever cut her out completely but I won’t let someone who emotionally blackmailed me for years be in my inner circle.

Unfortunately it has been me and my child very much against the world and they are very protective of me. So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them.

You sound like someone I know very well. They constantly refer to their child as their 'best friend' and child feels wholly responsible for their mother's wellbeing and happiness. Sadly, as she is also sad and lonely and not good at relationships, this is a horrible emotional cycle for the child. I hope you can get some proper help.

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them

Only a horrible, horrible person would do this.

If your child doesn't want to go for Christmas then there's your answer. It's not you being selfish, it's you doing what your child wants.

If it’s genuinely not what the child wants that’s ok. . But if he’s saying he doesn’t want it because his mother doesn't want it, that is definitely not ok.

Sorry you are being totally unreasonable.
My 5 yo goes to the UK from Australia every year with his dad, he has the most amazing experience and bonding time with his dad, cousins, extended family.
You need to let them have this opportunity.

"I appreciate what everyone is saying."

No you don't. You sound manipulative and controlling.

The child's father should go for a court order. It really does sound as if that would be in the best interest of his child.

Reading this from outside the situation, my thoughts are about how lucky your child is that the dad and his family have continued to have a good, strong bond over the years. You’ve both (you and ex) obviously done a good job at that, because it can be difficult and messy.

Although it would break my heart for my kids to go across the world and spend a month at Christmas without me, I’d try to focus on what’s best for my child. Spending Xmas in U.K. with their British family would be an amazing experience. 11 is a really good age for this. You can skype, every day.

I hope I’d find it in me to agree to this, and to get really excited with my child about it, talk about your childhood christmas’. And then I’d plan some amazing stuff for me to do over Xmas on my own. (Or sell stuff to pay for a flight and see my own family in U.K.)

I appreciate what everyone is saying. However it isn't as simple as that. I've asked if they will consider other dates. DC has 2 months off (dec/jan) and 2 week holiday coming up sep/oct - surely there must be an option rather than Christmas. I think that's fairer on everyone.

You haven’t got a clue have you OP?

It’ll be a lonely life for you when your child realises that life without emotional manipulation is best for them.

Your job is to protect, guide and love your child, not bully them into doing things your way.

Tbh I can't believe this thread is still going. Op you have been told YABU. Nothing is going to give you a different answer.

It's shitty and untrue to say things like "if you loved yoyr child you'd let them go".
A month on the other side of the world is too long and too far for a child to be without their primary carer. I would say no without hesitation. If dad wants to see his child at Christmas, then he has the option to stay where his child lives.
OP says they would be spending most of the time with step mums family - better imo to stay home with their mother, esp at Christmas.

People keep calling it a month but OP said 3 to 4 weeks. She could just ask for it to be 3 weeks then everyone might feel better.