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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Complaining at somebody else's house

201 replies

PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 09:00

My friend has been staying at my house for the last few days as she's over from abroad. Everything about me / my house seems to be wrong. It's too cold, too messy (I thought it was really tidy!), I cook food the wrong way, I don't have an adequate enough mirror for her to use to straighten her hair, my car is too dirty.

AIBU to think if you're staying at someone's house completely free of charge, eating their food and being driven around several hundred miles free of charge completely inconveniencing your host with the times and distances of said car journeys you don't complain this much??

OP posts:
PoesyCherish · 24/08/2018 08:02

I'd be giving her a bottle of bleach and a cloth and told her to crack on if she complained my house was dirty! CF

She probably would do it if I asked as it clearly bothers her how messy it is. To be fair she did make dinner last night again and tidied the kitchen this morning. She also cleaned the bath before using it too.

OP posts:
FeedingGiraffes · 24/08/2018 08:28

If it was me I would start taking the piss out of her to be honest in a 'jokey' way. Complaint about my home: 'Ooh look at you, when did you turn into such a princess, all that sun must be getting to you'. Complaint about food 'Well you don't look like you are starving love, so I am sure you will survive'. Complaint about public transport 'You have never been the sharpest knife in the draw but I am sure you can figure out a train timetable'

Maisymoo22 · 24/08/2018 08:40

Thank goodness she’s going tomorrow OP.
I think I would have “run out of money” after a few days of ferrying her around and told her I’d be dropping her off at the train station to continue her sightseeing!

I’d also have come down with a mysterious illness and being too weak to cook, she’d have had to sort herself out.

If she says about staying again, you could say “you don’t have to be so kind, I know you hated staying here judging by all the criticisms and complaints I received. I think you’d be better off in a hotel next time. I really wouldn’t mind!

Next time she decides to honour you with her princessedness you can always say you’re going away that week or you’re booked up with other house guests!!!

All the best OP you sound really nice.

Whereismumhiding2 · 24/08/2018 08:48

It sounds like she's starting to be a bit more helpful. At least she isn't trashing your house like some CF guests do. But she sounds exhausting hosting people for more than a night always is and is not to be undertaken lightly!!

If it's the snarky comments mostly that upset you, please address them as they come up.

The whole "In British culture, it's seen as unforgivably rude to criticise when you are being hosted and looked after for free. And driven around" is a great idea.

It's non confrontational, you could add " I'm using up my previous AL to host you, I have little spare money and I'm knackered. So it was nice you cooked yesterday and can make your own way today, as we've spent quite a few days together , or I've run you around, & I have a million things to do that I haven't had a chance to fit in".

She can get a taxi home from train station if need be, if you are busy. And of course she can sort out using her own phone. She's saved a ton of money staying at yours.

You've been lovely, but don't say yes next time when someone invites themselves to stay at yours. It's a great life learning experience that you can pass onto DSD too. "That's not possible" is always an acceptable answer, "...but I can send a link to hotels or b&bs in our area".

You now know how hard it is to host people on their holidays now, who can easily slip into expecting you to become their chaffeur, cook, hotel maid, entertainer and tour guide.

Far better to let them do their own thing and meet up or invite over for dinner, once or twice, in the week.

It's different if it's family or close friends, that you regularly stay with too. Reciprocal kindness is lovely.

Ps. You have a place to stay for a week in Australia now OP, start planning your cheap ticket..! Grin

ColaCubez · 24/08/2018 09:09

Pleeease tell me what you're gonna say when she says "We must do this again sometime." as she's leaving

You've insulted home
You've insulted my cooking
You've insulted my choice in underwear - which is just weird
You've complained at every turn about absolutely every damn thing
I've had to hang for hours in between drop offs & pick ups while I chauffeured you around
I'm mentally and physically drained from this time with you....

...so why the fuck would I want to do this again?!

Bon voyage and have a nice life

Greyponcho · 24/08/2018 10:43

Did she clean the bath again after using it? Cleaning it before and not after is rude, saying your muck isn’t acceptable to sit in, but I expect you don’t mind sitting in mine

DoJo · 24/08/2018 10:53

If she mentions doing it again you can just say 'Oh yes - it must be my turn to come to your house and make negative comments about every tiny thing you do.'

PoesyCherish · 24/08/2018 13:41

Honestly I don't think I'd want to stay at hers. Would it be bad to go to her country and just not tell her? And hope we don't run into her. She has invited me to hers lots since we last saw each other. I get the impression she wants it to be just me but like fuck would I go all the way to Australia (or her home country if she's moved back home) without my DP as he too would love to visit the country!

OP posts:
user1483875094 · 24/08/2018 17:47

My friend has been staying at my house .... ???? Friend? Crikey, with friends like that, you don't need any enemies! I write as someone who has just had my dearest and closest friend in the world (of 34 years duration) stay for 11 days. She also lives abroad. She makes the effort to fly over to see and my grown up family twice a year, and it is heaven, every time, and I break my heart when she leaves. I never have to stand on ceremony, nor "entertain her" and we just totally chill out, do an awful lot of giggling, and just thoroughly enjoy our time together. That is how it should feel, having a "friend" stay in your home. That person you have just hosted sounds dreadful, and I cannot understand why you put yourself out so much for her, as it SHOULD have been an enjoyable time together, not the horrible trial she put you through. Are you sure she is a friend and not a free-loader??? Don't have her again. Invite a "proper" friend instead, and enjoy the time yourself. xx

AcrossthePond55 · 24/08/2018 18:37

Honestly, if she did say 'we must do this again' I'd simply say "Yes, but next time it's my turn to come to yours". Hopefully she'll get the hint that she shouldn't expect to come back until you've visited her. Then just keep putting the visit off.

toxic44 · 24/08/2018 18:59

AtrociousCircumstance She was a friend of my girlhood and I didn't realise how far apart we had grown. I was much dismayed; it felt a real loss but of course it wasn't.

PoesyCherish It was embarrassing, DH kept whispering, 'Who does she think she is?' and 'Why did you ask her to come?' Well, you pay to learn, don't you?

Sissyjd · 25/08/2018 05:47

The fact she Lean your bathroom before using it says a lot!! She's either ocd with impossible standards, your cath room was a bit grubby or she's just incredibably rude and goady. I'd be furious. You do sound too nice for your own good!! Stop been a doormat OP. Give her a bus & train timetable and tell her to use it!!

LoniceraJaponica · 25/08/2018 06:25

I was wondering about that Sissy. Either bath is genuinely dirty or she is being very fussy.
Our bath gets cleaned after every use so it isn't dirty. However, it rarely gets used because 99% of the time we use the shower, and the bath does tend to get dusty. I do dust it every time I dust upstairs though.

Raven88 · 25/08/2018 07:15

I would send her to the nearest hotel. She sounds like a spoiled teenager

PoesyCherish · 25/08/2018 08:56

Well she's now gone. She expected my DP to get up at 6 am to help her with her luggage! I dropped her at the bus station and left. She asked me to wait with her until the bus came but I said I couldn't as then I'd have to pay for parking. She didn't mention coming back but did say I'd have to go there next time and stay at hers but I insisted I wouldn't be able to afford the flights for a while and left it at that.

So glad to have my house back Grin

OP posts:
Spreadingcudweed · 25/08/2018 09:02

I hope she thanked you profusely op and left a generous present? (Hopes in vain.)

DameSquashalot · 25/08/2018 09:30

You have so much patience! I would have lasted a day.

Enjoy the peace.

CharltonLido73 · 25/08/2018 09:49

OP, you sound like a really nice, kind person. I hope you are luxuriating in your own time and space this morning!

I think you have handled things as best you can. It's fine for posters to suggest you should have told her to get lost, check in at the nearest Travelodge, etc, but if they actually found themselves in that situation I wonder how many of them would have managed to actually do that themselves?

I think that you are right to chalk this up to "experience" and quietly wind down the "friendship". Radio silence from your end, should she contact you, will speak volumes. If push comes to shove, and she questions your reluctance to communicate, you might express your disappointment in a few words, and leave it at that.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 25/08/2018 14:07

This isn't a friend...friends would never do this...

PoesyCherish · 25/08/2018 20:16

I hope she thanked you profusely op and left a generous present? (Hopes in vain.)

@Spreadingcudweed you're kidding right?! No thanks and a £2 box of tea was my parting gift!!

OP posts:
crosstalk · 25/08/2018 20:30

Poesy and enjoy Sunday. and Monday. And the rest of your life without her.

As we all know, the only utterly wonderful thing about truly awful guests is the moment they go.

And we all say we'll never repeat it. So don't.

Spreadingcudweed · 25/08/2018 21:44

No thanks and a £2 box of tea. ShockShock

Dear god that is beyond awful. Poor you op. Talk about taking advantage!

Jux · 25/08/2018 22:52
Shock
chezare84 · 25/08/2018 23:20

Omg, was my cousin your house guest? She doesn't just complain about the living quarters, she complains about the whole country!

Thinkingofausername1 · 25/08/2018 23:50

I know someone like this. Be thankful it's a friend who you don't have to invite back......but I feel did you and whatever you do won't be good enough

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