Complaining at somebody else's house

[PoesyCherish]

My friend has been staying at my house for the last few days as she's over from abroad. Everything about me / my house seems to be wrong. It's too cold, too messy (I thought it was really tidy!), I cook food the wrong way, I don't have an adequate enough mirror for her to use to straighten her hair, my car is too dirty.

AIBU to think if you're staying at someone's house completely free of charge, eating their food and being driven around several hundred miles free of charge completely inconveniencing your host with the times and distances of said car journeys you don't complain this much??

So let it cost her.

Won't cost her 200 quid for a quick call or txt

So let it cost her.

Yes, this.

In the nicest possible way, OP, get a grip and toughen up. Her finances and logistics are not your problem. If she was a lovely guest then I could understand wanting to help out with these things, but she isn't.

Why can't she get a cheap pay as you go? If she can spend £200 on a suit, she can afford that

WHY are you doing this, OP?

@DarlingNikita - what do you suggest I do though? If I go home and come back later I'll be adding another 50 miles on!

So leave her there and text her to say you have gone home and she can use public transport. Honestly OP I would have snapped by now and turfed her out!

OP you sound like a lovely person. But this woman is taking advantage of your good nature and is essentially treating you like her hired help.

She is disrespectful of your home and your time. Expecting you to drive 600 miles and hang around waiting for her is way beyond the call of duty for this kind of long distance friendship.

It's going to hard for you to get out from under her thumb but I think you need to assert yourself. Practicing saying no to people.

It took me a long time to learn that if you don't want to do something, you can just say 'no, that doesn't work for me' without needing to give reasons why.

Can she not get a SIM to stick in her phone so it works over here?

Next time she complains I'd be saying 'I'm sorry you don't like it/ xyz isn't good enough for you, you know I won't be offended if you want to just go and stay at an AirBNB or hotel instead'

I feel bad as she doesn't have a phone that works in the UK, or at least not without costing her an arm and a leg. So I feel I have to be available as agreed as how else would we meet
She uses the phone that costs an arm & a leg or finds a public phone to ring you from. You're doing her a favour by driving everywhere, she gets to make an effort by ringing.

Although I do find many who say they speak as they find usually have very thin skins when THEY are criticised

Yes I agree. I remember working with some people from New Zealand and Australia who were constantly complaining about the UK and it drove me mad. Of course, when I said something about it I was being rude.

Not surprised you said the "friend" is currently living in Australia OP. My experience is that some of them can be very chippy when over here and thin-skinned when you call them out on it. Yes the weather isn't great (although it has been this summer) but otherwise, is it so awful (and my experiences were way before the Brexit debacle).

I wouldn't hold out for a "thank you" gift when she leaves not that you would expect one but most guests would make a gesture of some sort when leaving.

It should be a bloody big gesture!

Having her to stay for ages, driving her around hundreds of miles, being at her beck and call. I would expect a pukka meal, and a present.

OP, you have two choices:

• say nothing, grit your teeth and carry on trying to please her until she leaves. She'll carry on complaining and will go away thinking you're a pushover, you'll get more and more frustrated and pissed off with it all, and won't want to maintain contact or host her again, and you'll continue being frustrated with your lack of assertiveness.

• start being assertive and calling out her rudeness and refuse to pander to her every whim. Yes it might feel rude or awkward or difficult if you're not used to being assertive, but in the long run, it will honestly make things easier. Either she'll get the hump and sulk and you'll lose the friendship (which you would anyway, see above) or she'll see what you mean and make an effort to improve. And either way you'll feel better - honestly - for standing up for yourself.

She is not going to change by herself without anything from you. She won't just suddenly see the error of her ways and pay for your petrol and be grateful and polite.

For goodness sake, stop driving her around! Give her the bus and train timetables and the number of a local taxi firm and say it's stopping now. And if you ask why, tell her it's because (1) you're already majorly out of pocket and (2) you're not a chauffeur.

One way to maintain your resolve for being assertive is to remember: how hard did you have to work to earn your annual leave? How hard did you have to work to earn petrol money to take her everywhere?
Sounds like no sort of bloody rest nor holiday for you - you’re basically paying good money to work for her as her personal chef/hotelier/chauffeur/bag carrier!

I think the whole 'did you mean to be so rude?' stuff is just a bit petulant. I think you need to thole it but make sure there is no repeat visit.

You really need to say something? I promise you will feel so much better when you do

what do you suggest I do though? If I go home and come back later I'll be adding another 50 miles on!

let her get a bus or coach or train!

And she could have got a cheap pay as you go sim!
She's REALLY taking advantage of you!

Tell HER when is convenient for YOU to come and pick her up. You don't need a mobile for that.

Pick her up as agreed. I think it's too late to change that plan. What plans does she have until Saturday? I'd be saying no a lot and telling her if she doesn't like it to go to a hotel.

what do you suggest I do though?

Leave her there. Fuck her. She's not a friend. She's a cunt. It's unbelievable that anyone would put up with this and still keep licking her arse by driving her about, cooking and all that. Go home. She'll make her own way back to yours, where you hand her back her bags and tell her to fuck right off, you've had it with her.

Leaving gift, my arse. Stop being such a walkover.

It's not too late to just go back home. You owe her FA.

Poor you OP, you're paying with your own time and money for someone to sneer at you.
If I was staying at a friend's house, I'd be falling over myself to not feel like I'm taking advantage. Has she brought you flowers, wine, cooked you a meal, brought in a takeaway?

Just a quick insight from someone who visits from Oz. First, unless someone else paid for her ticket, somehow she paid 000s of pounds to get to you. If she had organised her phone at home, she could have had all the calls and texts she she wanted for about 5 pounds a day. I know that's alot, but compared to the cost of the ticket. Equally, she could pay ad hoc, at 30 pence a minute, still not going to ruin her.

When I visit I bring tons of gifts, assume I'm staying in a b&b unless I'm absolutely sure friends have time and space, take THEM out to eat, and pitch in with whatever housework etc.

So no, she is not being reasonable.

Please try some self care, and think about the worst possibly outcome. She hates you, yells, and never comes back. Score.