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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Complaining at somebody else's house

201 replies

PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 09:00

My friend has been staying at my house for the last few days as she's over from abroad. Everything about me / my house seems to be wrong. It's too cold, too messy (I thought it was really tidy!), I cook food the wrong way, I don't have an adequate enough mirror for her to use to straighten her hair, my car is too dirty.

AIBU to think if you're staying at someone's house completely free of charge, eating their food and being driven around several hundred miles free of charge completely inconveniencing your host with the times and distances of said car journeys you don't complain this much??

OP posts:

safetyfreak · 22/08/2018 13:22

OP I have little sympathy as this is all your own fault. You sound like a complete push over.

Will you be my friend?

JustJoinedRightNow · 22/08/2018 13:28

Running Keenster - thanks for the sweeping generalization about us Aussies and Kiwis. Also, fairly sure the free loading whinging friend is just living in Australia, she isn’t actually Australian.
OP, get rid of this friend and stand up for yourself for the remainder of her stay!

VickyEadie · 22/08/2018 13:32

I've hosted friends from Oz - both Oz-born and Brit-origin expat Aussies.

They've all been super-generous with gifts, paying for meals, etc and super-complimentary and grateful for the least courtesy done for them.

It's just this friend who is horrible.

BloodyDisgrace · 22/08/2018 13:41

This is definitely a rude and unfriend-like behaviour. If I were you I'd tell her that and that in future she should stay somewhere else if she dislikes being in your house that much.

I had a similar experience, although not with my own friend, but the husband's, who criticised my clothes. I wasn't that assertive then and only spoke to the husband in private but next time she wanted to stay with me (husband left by then) I said I'm rather busy and not in the mood for receiving/looking after the guests.

BertieBott · 22/08/2018 13:43

You can get a basic brick phone second hand for £10. A sim and credit for 15.

If I were going on a trip I would make sure I’ve sorted out the phone before I go.

I could not afford a holiday which included a live in chauffeur/housekeeper. Isn’t your friend lucky to have you work for her for free and aren’t you generous to donate your holiday to work for her.

She must have donated a kidney, or rescued your children from a burning building that you feel so beholden to her.

Also, what’s a kitchen press?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 22/08/2018 13:46

I don't think that this is normal for Indian/Australian behaviour either. Now some of my DH's Indian-origin family can be a little direct but they are always gracious about both giving and receiving hospitality. We just hosted DH's cousin and her adult children, the family is an Indian/Singaporean/Australian hybrid, and they were delightful. They mucked in with all the daily chores, tidied up after themselves and were complimentary about everything including the food and the view. Admittedly there was some unsolicited advice but none of it was about the relative sexiness of my underwear.

LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 14:12

Wow, there is some serious stereotyping on here.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/08/2018 14:20

I know it can be hard to be assertive if you have certain MH issues. I have a friend with extreme anxiety and any kind of confrontation, even returning something to a store, just sends her spinning. She's working on it, but it's hard.

Sometimes it's better to just ride it out. If it were me, I'd plead a tummy bug or similar for the rest of her visit and leave her to fend for herself. If you can, plan something nice for yourself for right after she leaves as a reward for having gotten through her visit.

thetemptationofchocolate · 22/08/2018 14:36

I remember hearing a story about a hotelier who had a moaning guest. Everything was wrong, this man was never satisfied. So the hotelier said to him, "Sir, you do not appear to be enjoying your stay. Try another hotel." Maybe you could adapt that for your situation?
Anxiety about confrontations is not uncommon. I have found that practicing a few responses can make it easier to deal with it, rather than seething away inside. So if you guest complains about your car, for instance, you could say, "If you don't like my car, get a taxi instead."

Try out a few phrases to her previous complaints. Get your mouth used to saying them. Then when she moans about something, you will have a ready answer without having to think about what you are going to say.

Faithlulu · 22/08/2018 14:36

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I am Australian and I can tell you this is not normal behaviour. I have a few friends who are Indian and they would never act like this!

I understand it can be really challenging to confront someone, especially when they are under the same roof. You may need to say something otherwise it will just keep beating you down and you don’t deserve that.

You need to look out for yourself first and either ignore her comments and limit time spent with her or ask her is she would be happy staying at a hotel as she appears to be unhappy with your living arrangement.

MrsChollySawcutt · 22/08/2018 14:47

There is no need for racial or cultural stereotypes. There are rude, entitled, thoughtless and ungrateful people in all walks of life and OP has unfortunately encountered one of them.

LeighaJ · 22/08/2018 14:47

@PoesyCherish

Nothing that you've described sounds like she is a friend and if she couldn't afford a holiday here then she shouldn't have come.

There is an excellent chance that she isn't nearly as skint as she claims and is just saying that to guilt you into all of this.

She is using you and I'm sure if you tell her to leave she'll somehow manage to find her way with the money she secretly has. If she in fact doesn't have money then telling her she needs to stop being rude or leave should improve her behaviour drastically. Stop driving her around so much too unless she provides much more than £20 for fuel.

LoniceraJaponica · 22/08/2018 15:18

I will never cease to be amazed about the crap some people put up with because they "don’t like conflict", that’s why so many people get away with horrible behaviour. Seriously why are you letting this person be so rude and talk to like this?

This ^^
You don’t need to be rude to your “friend”. Just be assertive and tell her that the comments she has made have upset you. Ethel’s suggestion is a good one:
"Look, Notfriend, I don't know if you realise you're doing it, but since you've been here you've complained incessantly about everything. My house might not look like a hotel and my car might not be a chauffeured limousine, but you are staying here and being driven around free of charge, so complaining like this is really quite rude."

She did pay for my fuel this morning but of the 600 miles she has expected me to do, £20 doesn't even cover half the cost!

But why did you even agree to do this for her? Can’t she take the train? Do you have I am a mug printed across your forehead? It’s no wonder she is taking advantage of you because she knows you won’t stand up to her. Please out your big girl pants on and stop being such a doormat. Next time she makes an unreasonable demand Just. Say. No. It’s easy.

Greyponcho · 22/08/2018 15:35

I do hope OP isn’t replying because she’s enjoying a rather spectacular cinematic marathon at home, having ditched CF ‘friend’ in Boringsville

ShinyMe · 22/08/2018 15:59

How has the rest of the day gone OP?

YeTalkShiteHen · 22/08/2018 16:06

There is no need for racial or cultural stereotypes. There are rude, entitled, thoughtless and ungrateful people in all walks of life and OP has unfortunately encountered one of them

This. Some of the comments on here are fucking awful.

OP I had this, an old friend came to stay and whinged and bitched about everything. Eventually I snapped and told her straight that if she didn’t like it she knew where the door was and not to be so fucking rude!

She apologised.

Original poster

PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 17:53

How has the rest of the day gone OP?

Haven't read the rest of the thread yet but thank you for asking. The day has gone incredibly slowly. I did manage to occupy myself by browsing some of the shops and spending far too much on clothes for DSD but there we go. Roll on the weekend!

OP posts:

QueenArseClangers · 22/08/2018 18:05

Fuck’s sake Poesy. Tell her to get a PAYG £10 sim and download Uber.

She’s skint but you’ve been ferrying her miles so she can shop? Can’t be too poor then.

Add up how much this visit is costing YOU in annual leave, petrol, food, drink, gas/electricity, wear and tear on car, parking, extra you’re having to spend on coffee shops etc whilst waiting for her.

That’s not including the emotional cost of her visit and your time.

Is she worth it? Is she fuck. I bet you my house that she’d NEVER spend even a fraction of her time, energy and money on you.

OutPinked · 22/08/2018 18:13

I’m half French and that half of the family do not mince their words. My DGM is terrible for it, every time she visits she tears my house apart and I just can’t be arsed tbh. They’re not renowned for being the most polite of nations and with my family, that is certainly true...

Just saying, other cultures have different ways of doing things. We Brit’s are a lot more polite than other nations typically are...

Maelstrop · 22/08/2018 18:53

I would’ve dropped her at the train station with a house key and a cheery goodbye, see you later. No way would I be hanging round while she had lunch with a mate, how fucking rude is that! Wh6 couldn’t you accompany her?

She could easily have got a cheap SIM for her phone, my dad does when he visits family in Oz,

Original poster

PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 18:54

Is she worth it? Is she fuck. I bet you my house that she’d NEVER spend even a fraction of her time, energy and money on you.

So far it's cost me about £100 not taking into account annual leave etc. Tbf she did bring me over a bottle of alcohol. I totally agree she'd never spend that much on me and I wouldn't even dream of thinking about asking her what she has asked of me.

I've left her to it this evening. She's cooking the dinner and cleaning my stinking kitchen that's really not as bad as she is making out

@OutPinked I totally agree other nations have different ways of doing it but does that really mean we have to put up with utter crappy behaviour just because that other person isn't British?

OP posts:

Jux · 22/08/2018 19:32

When you take her home (and you don't actually have to, just tell her she'll need to catch a train) when you take her home, tell her you won't be available tomorrow.

Does she tell you her plans in advance, like the day before, or does she wait until you're up in the morning and then announce that today she's going to xxxxx?

Whatever. Tell her as you drive that you'll be having a lie in tomorrow and have your own plans for the day.

Then do the same tomorrow, and the next day. Warn her that you can't take her to the airport 300miles away, but there's a good train service.

LeftRightCentre · 22/08/2018 19:34

You have a step-daughter, what does your partner make of this moany bitch being in your house? I'd have told anyone who treated my house and partner like this to go fuck themselves and get out.

Jux · 22/08/2018 19:36

Well, that'll teach me to post without refreshing,

CraftyYankee · 22/08/2018 19:38

@OutPinked I totally agree other nations have different ways of doing it but does that really mean we have to put up with utter crappy behaviour just because that other person isn't British?

No, we don't.

So why are you?

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