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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Complaining at somebody else's house

201 replies

PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 09:00

My friend has been staying at my house for the last few days as she's over from abroad. Everything about me / my house seems to be wrong. It's too cold, too messy (I thought it was really tidy!), I cook food the wrong way, I don't have an adequate enough mirror for her to use to straighten her hair, my car is too dirty.

AIBU to think if you're staying at someone's house completely free of charge, eating their food and being driven around several hundred miles free of charge completely inconveniencing your host with the times and distances of said car journeys you don't complain this much??

OP posts:
Original poster
PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 19:42

@Jux I just told her that I'm not driving tomorrow. If she wants to go to the city she can catch a train and I'll drop her off at the station as we live in a remote village with shit train times - I know, I know, I am probably being an idiot for even dropping her at the station but hey ho.

You have a step-daughter, what does your partner make of this moany bitch being in your house? I'd have told anyone who treated my house and partner like this to go fuck themselves and get out.

@LeftRightCentre I do have a step daughter who thankfully is with her Mum this week. I didn't realise before but my friend has a shocking approach to young children. When out yesterday she said to me can they please shut that child up - who was only young and was probably tired or hungry or any other reason a child deserves compassion not just a "shut them up" approach! I was originally sad she wouldn't get to meet my DSD who is obviously a big part of my life but now I'm glad I'm not subjecting my poor little DSD to her attitude! This week has really changed my view of her. To answer your actual question though, he thinks I'm taking everything too personally. But then he hasn't been here as he's away on business so hasn't quite seen it for himself.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 22/08/2018 20:36

Please make yourself unavailable to do her bidding until she goes home. Then go and find some classes on assertiveness. People will always take advantage of you if you keep on allowing them to.

You need to love and respect yourself first. When you can do that other people will as well.

I am not the least bit bossy or bolshy, but everyone I know doesn't take advantage of me because they know they can't. Simple.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2018 23:11

There’s only one way to take it when someone you are friends with is rude, ungrateful, and nasty to you. Personally. Your DP is being a bit of a dick with that comment.

Glad you’re standing up to her a bit more.

AuntieFesterAdams · 23/08/2018 03:40

I am Australian and recently went to visit a friend in UK.
I would not dream of being rude, and commenting on anything- unless it was something I could help with (large pile of ironing- let me do it). I cooked dinner, bought groceries and paid for dinner out.

Oh and I bought a SIM card for a quid, a giffgaff plan for 15 quid and stuck them in my Australian phone. Easy.

She is a cheeky arse.

Nodnol · 23/08/2018 04:30

You don’t even need to buy a sim when heading to the UK. Vodafone Au charged me $5 a day only if I actually used my phone. And it was unlimited for that day too.

Public transport is plentiful and easy to navigate compared to ours. She’s taking the complete piss. I managed to get myself to and from everywhere I wanted to go without inconveniencing my hosts.

Pack her bags and drop them at the nearest travelodge and don’t answer your phone.

Greyponcho · 23/08/2018 08:32

When in Rome...

Irrespective of what culture she’s from, it’s rude to not look up the cultures and customs of the country you’re visiting, but she’s supposed to be your friend and should treat you as such.
Glad you’re ditching her today OP, keep it up!

Original poster
PoesyCherish · 23/08/2018 14:26

You need to love and respect yourself first. When you can do that other people will as well.

Yes this is very true and I'm starting to accept that.

Public transport is plentiful and easy to navigate compared to ours. She’s taking the complete piss. I managed to get myself to and from everywhere I wanted to go without inconveniencing my hosts.

@Nodnol yes I think our public transport is great. I've always managed to make my own way around whichever country or UK town or city I visit and it has never caused me a problem. I'm not sure why she felt she couldn't do the same, especially considering she obviously managed to get herself on several flights to get here.

Irrespective of what culture she’s from, it’s rude to not look up the cultures and customs of the country you’re visiting

@Greyponcho well yes exactly! I accepted when I went to Egypt that it was offensive to go around in a vest top so I didn't and made sure I was always covered up even though it was boiling over there. I think you almost have to fit in with whatever is expected of you in the country you're visiting. But she's been here for several years previously so it's not as if she has never visited the UK before.

Your DP is being a bit of a dick with that comment.

@AtrociousCircumstance yes he was! I think it was hard for him though to really appreciate how it was as he was travelling and so only really hearing about it by text. Mind you people here can only go off what I've written so it's the same thing really isn't it!

Today has been bliss. I have managed to do some life admin type tasks and have just crashed out doing barely anything, just resting! I was away on my own holiday prior to her staying so I'm bloody knackered. Really appreciating the rest today.

OP posts:
Freyanna · 23/08/2018 16:31

Only one more full day to go!

Guienne · 23/08/2018 16:45

Please tell us you're not driving her to the airport when she goes back?

Port1ajazz · 23/08/2018 17:44

Shame you didn't book her into an hotel after the third complaint !

DeniseRoyal · 23/08/2018 17:44

If she doesn't like your very generous hospitality, I would show her the fucking door!! Yanbu!

RedDogsBeg · 23/08/2018 17:52

Say something to her before she leaves, OP. The only reason people like her get away with things like being rude and not contributing are because others say nothing to them.

Just calmly say you will not be hosting her again because of her behaviour and the manner in which she has taken advantage of you financially. If she asks for examples, give them.

You have nothing to lose as this is not a friendship worth keeping.

Sasstal67 · 23/08/2018 18:26

Pleeease tell me what you're gonna say when she says "We must do this again sometime." as she's leaving.

Charolais · 23/08/2018 18:35

I knew a woman who was a ‘dinner lady’ at a school in a poorer part of town. This was in the early to mid-60’s btw.

She told me it was the very poor children who would complain every day about the food and the 'better of kids' who lived in the nearby new development would gobble up their meal and never complain. She concluded people with less complain more.

Although it has been decades since she told me that it stuck in my head for some reason.

ToftyAC · 23/08/2018 18:38

I’d have kicked her the fuck out.... and if I hadn’t my OH would have done! Jesus wept!!

Fifilafrog · 23/08/2018 19:18

Invite her to cook and clean to her “standards” as recompense for free board! 😂 CF!

Turquoise123 · 23/08/2018 19:40

Well it’s not as if you are going to be seeing her again any time soon..

ClaireAnne1976 · 23/08/2018 20:21

IS SHE SOUTH AFRICAN?

DisappearHere1234 · 23/08/2018 21:10

Yanbu. I have family members like this. Analysing little things about the house, pointing out if the the grass is slighty overgrown or the hedge needs trimming, After one comment about the 'state' of my freezer (it was just very full after a big shop to get food for said guest!) I lost it and told the family member how rude they were to criticise someone's home, and that I found the behaviour bizarre. They got very defensive and couldn't see the problem.
It must have sunk in though as it hasn't happened since. It sometimes pays to be assertive!

toxic44 · 23/08/2018 21:25

This happened to me. I paid her airfare to visit, took her everywhere, paid for everything, the works. Nothing but criticisms. On leaving she said, 'This house had better be nicer than this when I come again.' But I never invited her again. You are not a money box. Every betrayal sets you free, you know.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/08/2018 21:58

toxic why did you do all that to start with? She must have shown signs of how appalling she was prior to that?

Glad you never repeated the invitation.

slinkysaluki · 23/08/2018 22:11

I think I'd be telling her to go home or stay in a hotel bloody cheek

Original poster
PoesyCherish · 24/08/2018 07:29

Please tell us you're not driving her to the airport when she goes back?

No I was never planning to. I was dropping her at the bus station which for the national express buses is a 40 min drive away. Given that her bus leaves at 7 am and there's no way of getting there by public transport I don't really have much choice but to drop her there which means getting up at 5:30am 😴

Pleeease tell me what you're gonna say when she says "We must do this again sometime." as she's leaving.

Oh gosh I have no idea what to say in that situation. Though given it took her a few years this time it's unlikely she'll be back any time soon.

@ClaireAnne1976 no not South African.

She concluded people with less complain more.

@Charolais that makes a lot of sense.

@toxic44 that sounds totally awful!

OP posts:
LongSummerDays · 24/08/2018 07:35

Pleeease tell me what you're gonna say when she says "We must do this again sometime." as she's leaving
Oh gosh I have no idea what to say in that situation

I don't think so, do you? Nothing seemed to please you about my home so let's not pretend that you liked staying with me, eh.

Booie09 · 24/08/2018 07:57

I'd be giving her a bottle of bleach and a cloth and told her to crack on if she complained my house was dirty! CF

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