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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Complaining at somebody else's house

201 replies

PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 09:00

My friend has been staying at my house for the last few days as she's over from abroad. Everything about me / my house seems to be wrong. It's too cold, too messy (I thought it was really tidy!), I cook food the wrong way, I don't have an adequate enough mirror for her to use to straighten her hair, my car is too dirty.

AIBU to think if you're staying at someone's house completely free of charge, eating their food and being driven around several hundred miles free of charge completely inconveniencing your host with the times and distances of said car journeys you don't complain this much??

OP posts:
Original poster
PoesyCherish · 22/08/2018 09:44

Has she always been like this? If so, you're a brave one to have her over to stay....

I'm wondering if maybe she has and the several years apart made me forget about the rudeness and bluntness???

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 22/08/2018 09:45

She sounds hideous. Personally I think you'll kick yourself after she's left if you don't say anything to her, she needs a wake-up call. Surprised she has any friends tbh if she's that rude!

HolyMountain · 22/08/2018 09:47

I hate making waves Shock

It's your house and you she's criticising, making waves should be the least of it.

FishesThatFly · 22/08/2018 09:47

So are you going to do anything about it OP?

Popchyk · 22/08/2018 09:48

This is the perfect opportunity for you to practise being assertive. Look at it as a challenge. How would you approach this if it were a work situation that you had to solve? Imagine you are at your appraisal with your boss, imagine you telling her/him what the problem was and the steps that you took to solve it. And what you'd do differently next time.

You can look back on this experience and say it was a good experience because you asserted yourself.

The more you are assertive (not rude or aggressive or course), the easier it gets. Trust me.

mumsastudent · 22/08/2018 09:49

cant remember who said this! "guest are like fish they begin to smell after 3 days" :)

LagunaBubbles · 22/08/2018 09:49

I will never ceased to be amazed about the crap some people put up with because they "dont like conflict", thats why so many people get away with horrible behaviour. Seriously why are you letting this person be so rude and talk to like this?

Spreadingcudweed · 22/08/2018 09:52

Your guest is exhibiting very, very poor manners op. I am so sorry Flowers

I host a lot (expat) and have found even close family members to be quite rude and ungrateful at times. It really does hurt when you've put the effort in.

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 22/08/2018 09:53

Whatever you do do not have her again! If she ever suggests she’ll come and stay again smile sweetly and blankly and change the subject.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/08/2018 09:56

I think because part of me wonders if the bluntness is a cultural thing In that case, you have a good handle to start the conversation. Explain english culture to her, that guests don't complain, gift receivers don't complain, and that to do so is unforgivable rudeness, and you would hate her to accidentally cause people to dislike her...

EdisonLightBulb · 22/08/2018 09:57

My oldest friend has just been back for a visit from where she has lived for the last ten years (another continent)

All she did was moan about everything, the weather (It's been great!) the food, that things weren't as cheap as she remembered (no shit Sherlock, you left ten years ago) and that our local town was a shit hole at least it isn't covered in graffiti like your current home town love

I lasted two days before I started pulling her up on things, we had several arguments all week and I remembered why I don't miss her anymore.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 22/08/2018 09:58

You need to call people like this out on their rudeness.

Next time she does something, you said, "Look, Notfriend, I don't know if you realise you're doing it, but since you've been here you've complained incessantly about everything. My house might not look like a hotel and my car might not be a chauffeured limousine, but you are staying here and being driven around free of charge, so complaining like this is really quite rude."

And then stop, look her in the eye, and wait for her to fill the inevitable awkward silence.

Strugglingtodomybest · 22/08/2018 10:09

My mum's like this, I think that over the years it's just become habit for her to find fault. Bloody annoying though.

I love the idea of counting the complaints though, I'm going to steal that idea Smile

OrgyOfBarminess · 22/08/2018 10:11

Next time she demands a lift can you just leave her behind accidentally.

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 22/08/2018 10:15

Kick the ungrateful twat out.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2018 10:16

Very rude, tell her that if she is not happy that she stays in a hotel as her behaviour is rude. Treat her how she treats you. Never invite her again. If she invites herself, say no. You did not enjoy yourself you so it's better if you stay in a hotel.

Leesa65 · 22/08/2018 10:16

She is taking the piss out of your kindness OP

I would perhaps ride it out (as you seem kind and won't kick her out)but any future visits, I would suggest she book somewhere or simply don't come .

DarlingNikita · 22/08/2018 10:20

Stop driving her about. Don't tidy or cook for her and when she moans, point out that you cook 'wrong' and she didn't find you tidy enough so you're no longer bothering. Tell her to keep her opinions about your car, underwear Hmm etc to herself.

She's no friend. Stop letting her wipe her feet on you.

GreenTulips · 22/08/2018 10:24

Please use the repeat method

Say back to her exactly what she said to you as a question and then wait silently for her answer

'My cooking is wrong?'
'My underwear not sexy enough?'

Wait - this is unexpected because they now have to give a reason for their comment and have now heard the comment as they said it! Can be quite a wake up call and you aren't being rude. Try it.

Kewcumber · 22/08/2018 10:25

"it isn't usual in the UK to complain when people are hosting you for free, I'm sure you don't realise how mean it makes you sound and would want to know to avoid offending"

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/08/2018 10:36

I also wonder whether she's from a country where 'speaking your mind' is not seen as rude, though it really comes across as such to Brits.
From experience, it's Scandis and the Dutch who see nothing wrong with saying exactly what they think.

If she's a Brit, she's just plain ill-mannered, and TBH even if she was from of one of the 'plain speaking' nations I'd be inclined to be very plain spoken in return, and tell her that it's just not acceptable/bloody rude in the UK to disparage your host's accommodation. And if she's not happy with it, she's free to go and pay for something more suited to her exacting taste.

Theresnodisneyending · 22/08/2018 10:36

My friend's ex-wife was this. "I'm bored", "this is boring, can we leave?", "that doesn't taste right", "your children will be hybrid Jap babies!"

She was a delight Hmm

Banned her from ever coming back.

Melfish · 22/08/2018 10:52

If you’re going to let the friendship go when she goes back then what have you got to lose by telling her not to be so rude? If she is from a ‘plain speaking’ culture then she won’t mind being called up on it. Although I do find many who say they speak as they find usually have very thin skins when THEY are criticised!

hmcAsWas · 22/08/2018 10:52

Soon to be ex-friend I hope

Jaxhog · 22/08/2018 10:52

Outrageous! You only get to complain if you're PAYING!

Politely suggest that if she doesn't like your hospitality, she is very welcome to go to a hotel.