Complaining at somebody else's house

[PoesyCherish]

My friend has been staying at my house for the last few days as she's over from abroad. Everything about me / my house seems to be wrong. It's too cold, too messy (I thought it was really tidy!), I cook food the wrong way, I don't have an adequate enough mirror for her to use to straighten her hair, my car is too dirty.

AIBU to think if you're staying at someone's house completely free of charge, eating their food and being driven around several hundred miles free of charge completely inconveniencing your host with the times and distances of said car journeys you don't complain this much??

Why do you feel guilty about asking her to leave? She has no qualms about insulting everything about you and your home, and she clearly has enough money.
Politely and calmly ask her to leave now and never invite her again.

Is she German?"

Oh, yeah, right because a British person could never be this rude .... ummm right.... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

From experience, it's Scandis and the Dutch who see nothing wrong with saying exactly what they think.

But why do they even think it? I mean, seriously, who looks at someone else's underwear and thinks about it at all, let alone enough to decide it is 'not sexy' enough?

I have a cousin who came to stay, there were three of them and one of me, I was working that day so I ordered a take away, from then on I never heard the end of how I 'never cook' (I cook loads, way more than most people). So, next time they came I did a three course meal - only to be told at literally every stage that I was doing it wrong, even down to 'we don't like this music, can I change the CD'.

That was the last time they were invited.

I have been known to say things like 'there are some thoughts you should just keep in your head, it's what heads are for'.

She's not British. She's from an Indian culture but lives in Australia currently.

Baby steps - i did tell her that no I would not be carrying her stuff around whilst she goes for lunch with somebody else meanwhile I'm stuck in a city I have no interest in for a few hours. I also told her I may be available to meet her later depending on what I'm doing finding a quiet coffee shop for a break

She did pay for my fuel this morning but of the 600 miles she has expected me to do, £20 doesn't even cover half the cost!

Wow super rude.

"Hey friend, you are obviously not enjoying staying in my house, and I am not enjoying the constant criticism. I think in order to preserve our friendship, we either need some space from each other and you will need to book an aibnb or hotel... or you need to stop complain and start mucking in a bit more. Up to you."

Ugh. One of my friends asked the bride at her wedding 'whether she checked all of the rooms' at the hotel when she viewed the wedding venue.

As if a) it was said friend's fault/responsibility/problem if a room was less good than expected or b) it was a fair thing to say to someone who was trying to enjoy their wedding!

I just hosted 8 friends (beds for almost everyone) and would have been mortified if they'd complained until I got pissed off and showed it!

I will never ceased to be amazed about the crap some people put up with because they "dont like conflict", thats why so many people get away with horrible behaviour. Seriously why are you letting this person be so rude and talk to like this?

This. Why are you being such a doormat? Tell her to fuck off.

A simple 'you don't seem to like much about our hospitality' made as a comment after her next complaint, should hopefully make the point that you have noticed her constant moaning and make her realise she's doing it. Or you could simply say 'I don't know if you realise you're doing it, but you are constantly complaining about our hospitality and home - I'm finding it really difficult'

You don't need to suggest she goes elsewhere or be as rude as she is, just briefly make her aware of what she's doing. At this point, most people would be horrified, apologise profusely and stop complaining. You'll have to see if she does this too.

I can see why you feel irritated...but I do wonder too if you hosted slightly reluctantly and so are hyper sensitive to everything she does...or perhaps it is her moaning that has made you feel like this.

Hope things improve.

What do you mean she has ‘expected you to do 600 miles’? How did this come about?

I don’t know how some people get themselves into these situations. Man up!

She’s bought a suit for £200 but you think she’s got no money so you must help her out. But your suit only costs £100, but you’re not sure what is a lot and what isn’t. Do you struggle to function on a daily basis is?

If she is from a ‘plain speaking’ culture then she won’t mind being called up on it. Although I do find many who say they speak as they find usually have very thin skins when THEY are criticised!

Yes, odd that, isn't it?

i did tell her that no I would not be carrying her stuff around whilst she goes for lunch with somebody else meanwhile I'm stuck in a city I have no interest in for a few hours. WHY are you doing this, OP?

@PoesyCherish - every time she complains, I would reply "Sorry - that is a service not covered by the hotel costs you are not paying!!"

Well I’m from an Indian background and sometimes people can be blunt but that sounds rude by indian standards- you don’t unsult your host. I remember going to my mums friends house to visit and I really didn’t want to eat and my mum forcing me to eat some of the food offered and to say how nice it was as it would’ve been rude not to.

mumsastudent the quote about house guests being like fish is from Benjamin Franklin.

^What do you mean she has ‘expected you to do 600 miles’? How did this come about?

I don’t know how some people get themselves into these situations. Man up!

She’s bought a suit for £200 but you think she’s got no money so you must help her out. But your suit only costs £100, but you’re not sure what is a lot and what isn’t. Do you struggle to function on a daily basis is?^

@Holidayshopping - well yes, actually. I have mental health problems and struggle with assertiveness and budgeting. Re the suit I only spend £100 but that doesn't necessarily mean £200 is expensive by everyone's standards. By my parents standards £100 is far too much so it's all relative isn't it.

Wrt the mileage about 300 of those miles was picking her up and honestly I have no idea why I agreed. I think I was in a particularly doormat like mood when she asked. The other 300 have been visiting a touristic attraction she's never been to and driving to various towns / cities for shopping.

or perhaps it is her moaning that has made you feel like this.

@Chocolatewombat it's the constant moaning rather than the reluctant hosting. Whilst I didn't ask her I wouldn't say I was reluctant. But when someone is constantly moaning it can wear you down. Especially when you super tired and fed up of having to get up so early every morning when on annual leave. I honestly didn't think she'd want me to ferry her around so much and essentially it just feels like she is using me as a hotel/ chauffeur service rather than a genuine friend.

WHY are you doing this, OP?

@DarlingNikita - what do you suggest I do though? If I go home and come back later I'll be adding another 50 miles on!

OP, I'm suggesting you stop driving her for miles and then you won't have to wait around like a chauffeur while she does her thing.

Re the suit I only spend £100 but that doesn't necessarily mean £200 is expensive by everyone's standards. By my parents standards £100 is far too much so it's all relative isn't it.

Right, but then if they spent £200 on a suit, I wouldn’t be thinking

she doesn't have a lot of money so I can't ask for anything

Things are relative, but I think you need to use some common sense.

I don't understand why do you put up with her rudeness
I love to have guests, I do my best to entertain and I enjoy going places with them. But I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour from anyone. If you don't like my house, my food, my car, my whatever....kindly f.off and find somewhere else

I wouldn't have taken her in the first place! What's wrong with trains or buses? Tell her tomorrow you'll look into public transport because you are knackered from ferrying her around. Then say, can she organise to buy some food and cook or sort out a takeaway as from now on you're putting your feet up.

If she criticises anything... just say to her... 'look, I've done my best to make you feel welcome and to be honest, all you've done is find fault. I've had enough of it'.

^Right, but then if they spent £200 on a suit, I wouldn’t be thinking

she doesn't have a lot of money so I can't ask for anything

Things are relative, but I think you need to use some common sense.^

@Holidayshopping yes I see what you're saying. I meant that I had originally thought she didn't have much money as it's what she was always saying when we've been chatting. But then when she bought the suit it made me realise that she is probably actually better off financially than I am.

Especially when you super tired and fed up of having to get up so early every morning when on annual leave. I honestly didn't think she'd want me to ferry her around so much and essentially it just feels like she is using me as a hotel/ chauffeur service rather than a genuine friend.

Stay at home tomorrow or do whatever you would enjoy doing, with or without her. She can use public transport or taxi to move around if she wants to. It's your holiday as well

She sounds unbelievably ignorant and ill mannered to me. You do not accept someone's hospitality and then criticise them.

She sounds ignorant, rude and deeply stupid. Maybe she is critical because she envies you. Envious people often criticise things that are, by any definition, nice just to make themselves feel better.

Doesn’t sound she’s being as much of a friend to you as you are to her. Maybe the £20 on petrol was her idea of ‘going halves’ thinking you’d enjoy travelling to the dead end town?
Find the nearest cinema and go watch everything a film, pick her up when its less inconvenient convenient to you, then pull her up about her being rude.
Don’t let her try using “you know I don’t really mean it/I’m only joking/you’re being too serious” on you. How would she react if you were scrounging off her for a week and insulting her at every turn?
Ask her what her plans are for tomorrow, as you’ll be having a lie in making your own plans.
Good luck, OP!

Thanks @Greyponcho I like your suggestion of watching a film. I feel bad as she doesn't have a phone that works in the UK, or at least not without costing her an arm and a leg. So I feel I have to be available as agreed as how else would we meet