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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking friend could have announced pregnancy more kindly?

171 replies

MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:35

I know I'm actually being unreasonable a bit.

But fucking hell. My friend knows that my ds was a miracle. And that we've be desperately trying for five years since (and had 8 miscarriages.)

I'm now 41 and have recently been telling friends to stop asking about pregnancy etc as it's not likely we'll conceive or carry to term again.

Tonight at a picnic dinner my good friend does a big announcement in front of 10 of us of how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

I am really pleased for her but would have appreciated a heads up. We sat alone chatting for over 30 minutes. She could have told me then. She absolutely knows the heartbreak and struggle we've been through with fertility treatments.

A few friends have since text saying how awful it was and how they were embarrassed, especially banging on about strong Mums being able to not miscarry. I said it was fine but I'm so hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:38

I know I'm being unreasonable and not making much sense but I was so thrown by it I necked a few glasses of rose so may not be as coherent as usual.

She also told me it was nice to be so fertile you could plan to avoid Christmas and whether to get a boy or girl. 'I guess I'm just Mrs Super Fertile despite my blip' tinkly laugh. Sad

OP posts:
HavingALittleBabyToolshed · 22/08/2018 02:40

knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

How incredibly insensitive of her.
I am so sorry for what you’ve been through, there are so many ways she could have handled that situation better.

MsPavlichenko · 22/08/2018 02:41

You are not being unreasonable. She is. She is no sort of friend.

SilverDoe · 22/08/2018 02:45

My first though reading your post was that YWBU because you had your DS, but hearing her go on about miscarriages and strength must have been awful :(

I’d like to think she was just very insecure about the pregnancy due to her own previous miscarriage and was completely absorbed in that. I’ve never had one but I’ve had 2 pregnancies and I remember the crippling fear each time, and that’s with no experience of anything bad happening.

I’m glad you had your miracle baby Flowers

teaandtoast · 22/08/2018 02:48

So insensitive of her. YANBU. Flowers

LinoleumBlownapart · 22/08/2018 02:49

she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

You're not being unreasonable and that was an awful thing to say. Who thinks like that anyway? What utter shit! She could have just announced her pregnancy like normal people, why the need for a speech?

ChasedByBees · 22/08/2018 02:50

That was very self absorbed of her.

SilverDoe · 22/08/2018 02:50

“I guess I’m Mrs Super Fertile despite my blip”

Is she a similar age to you? Yes this is screaming insecurity to me, which is really sad but she is processing it in a bit of a bitchy way. It’s selfish of her to be talking about this with you but do you think in a way it’s possible she knows your circumstances and is worried things will be the same for her? And is trying to talk herself out of worrying about it.

Regardless I would mention it, quietly and with dignity tell her it’s hurtful, you don’t even have to be confrontation if you don’t want to. Gently remind her that no matter how strong you are you can still miscarry so don’t but that kind of pressure on yourself, how you know this from personal experience (said emphatically). If she has any semblance of tact she will get the message.

newdaylight · 22/08/2018 02:51

Strong mama.

Ffs

CocoDeMoll · 22/08/2018 02:51

She thinks women that have miscarriages are weak? Confused. The utter twat.

Original poster
MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:51

Thank you. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful every day that we managed to have ds, but the yearning for another coupled with miscarriages has been tough. And I know that's nobody else's problem at all but bloody hell, I don't need to hear about how you're annoyed it won't be in the right bloody month when you know we've just done our last ever allowed round of treatment.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:54

She's 10 years younger. It's funny but Dh has always said he thought she was really insecure and I didn't think much of it. Maybe it explains a little. She always boasts about stuff a lot and I put it down to age, I was a bit of a tit when I was in my 20s and 30s. I wasn't that insensitive though!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:55

Actually I was a fairly big tit in my 20's and 30's.

OP posts:
eeanne · 22/08/2018 02:55

I think she was insensitive, but it sounds to me she is still dealing with emotions about her own miscarriage.

Original poster
MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:56

I'd like to point out I have pretty much a friend or acquaintance every two weeks announcing a baby and I'm thrilled (quietly dying inside) but it was just the delivery of this one felt off.

OP posts:
AhoyDelBoy · 22/08/2018 03:16

No YANBU, she sounds extremely insensitive in the circumstances. These threads about so-called friends putting the boot in with OTT pregnancy announcements baffle me. I guess it just proves my, rather sad, theory that at the end of the day people only care about themselves. A true friend just wouldn’t do this IMO. Flowers for you OP, your experience sounds tough. At least your other friends sound lovely and thoughtful and not as self absorbed as the other —twat— lady.

midgesforever · 22/08/2018 03:26

That is really insensitive twaddle on her part, she sounds totally self absorbed at least at present.

CiderwithBuda · 22/08/2018 04:33

Completely insensitive. And it’s obv not just you as others noticed it too.

I have a miracle DS too and would have loved more but it wasn’t to be. As you know it’s hard when everyone else is announcing pregnancies and having babies (my sis has 5 - none of them planned!) but it does get easier. Would still love to have had more but DS is healthy and happy (when he is not being a grumpy teen) and it’s not so painful. Flowers

Themerrygoroundoflife · 22/08/2018 04:48

I’m sorry that’s horrible. Most likely she was just so self absorbed she didn’t even consider how it would make you feel, but she should have. Her comments about miscarriage are especially plain wrong. Hope another friend will speak to her so she is made away of what she said. Then she can experience the hoping the ground will swallow her up feeling, in mortification as punishment.

HelpmeobiMN · 22/08/2018 04:49

YANBU - that is really insensitive, not at all surprised it felt like a kick in the teeth. I’m so sorry Flowers

cucumberwater · 22/08/2018 05:04

Honestly, that announcement would make her sound a prat even if everyone in the room had ten kids and never experienced the slightest fertility issue.

ImperfectPirouette · 22/08/2018 05:07

YANBU - was there someone there from the Guinness Book of Records to verify she had, indeed, made the most spectacularly twuntish pregnancy announcement ever? Jesus wept.

You've clearly got that balance of glad&sad at the pregnancy announcements of others sorted OP (as in, can box up your sad to deal with at appropriate time, & focus on being genuinely happy for your friend) so this isn't a "I'm 25 & in boundingly good [reproductive] health as is my DH of the same age; we've been TTC for 2 months & I am TRAUMATISED by having other people tell me THEY are pregnant! DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND MY STRUGGLE!? I'd have expected my friend who had multiple miscarriages then a really premature DD to be sympathetic; or my friend whose DS was born on her third IVF cycle, but they're being TOTALLY unsupportive..." type-complaint.

It doesn't matter if she's still getting over her own miscarriage, or she's insecure, or if her naughty imagary friend was TOTALLY responsible not her at all. You don't get to treat other people shittily because of your Stuff. Or if it turns out that IS ok I have a lifetime of trauma & pain to start making other people miserable over. Excellent, I know just where I'll start.

Am quite impressed you didn't just leave when she started chatting her utter shite about how "Strong Mama"s (Envy - NOT envy) don't miscarry. As for the "blip" business...

Her behaviour was appalling. Sadly, I suspect that confronting her about it wouldn't actually have a positive outcome - people that gyroscopically self-centred & impossibly smug don't tend to do apologies. Nor admit to any fault on their part at any point in time ever.

Ugh. Sorry you'd to put up with that OP. Seriously though, maybe time to reassess the friendship if she's willing to do this & is all weirdy-boastful about other stuff?

Flowers
RhiWrites · 22/08/2018 05:08

She couldn’t have announced it less kindly unless she danced around singing “Ip Dip Sky Blue who’s preg? Me not you.”

She sounds quite egregiously nasty. Drop her.

Flowers I’m sorry for your losses.

Peachesandcream01 · 22/08/2018 05:23

Drop her. She doesn’t deserve any friends.
If I were one of your mutual friends I’d be having a word about how insensitive and utterly ridiculous her comments are.
She sounds as if she is not very bright firstly due to her insensitivity and secondly if she can tempt fate in this way by blabbing about how she ‘will carry to term because she is a strong mama’.
Sadly there are still too many babies who just don’t make it or are born very unwell and she shouldn’t be taking it for granted.
A smug and nasty self centred bitch who’s superiority about how luck, (because that’s all it is, luck) has allowed her to fall pregnant again is absolutely vomit worthy.

NynaeveSedai · 22/08/2018 05:28

Wow, she's a horror. Do you have to spend time with her?