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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking friend could have announced pregnancy more kindly?

171 replies

MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:35

I know I'm actually being unreasonable a bit.

But fucking hell. My friend knows that my ds was a miracle. And that we've be desperately trying for five years since (and had 8 miscarriages.)

I'm now 41 and have recently been telling friends to stop asking about pregnancy etc as it's not likely we'll conceive or carry to term again.

Tonight at a picnic dinner my good friend does a big announcement in front of 10 of us of how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

I am really pleased for her but would have appreciated a heads up. We sat alone chatting for over 30 minutes. She could have told me then. She absolutely knows the heartbreak and struggle we've been through with fertility treatments.

A few friends have since text saying how awful it was and how they were embarrassed, especially banging on about strong Mums being able to not miscarry. I said it was fine but I'm so hurt.

OP posts:

TheLionRoars1110 · 22/08/2018 12:18

I think you should send her an email saying how tactless and insensitive you thought her comments were.
You have nothing to lose! She sounds an utterly horrid person.

DeadButDelicious · 22/08/2018 12:27

'a strong Mama who will carry to full term'

What a twat. 'Strength' has bugger all to do with it. How dare she imply that someone's loss is down to weakness. She sounds supremely insensitive. I'd be having as little to do with her as I possibly could.

I too have a miracle, it took us 11 years to conceive our first and we lost her at 20 weeks. Our second was born the next year and I still pinch myself that she's actually here. I won't even attempt to have anymore. Time is not on my side and my last pregnancy was very hard both mentally and physically, DD needs me much more than she needs a sibling.

for you OP.

HolyMountain · 22/08/2018 12:28

This woman has no empathy and has a streak through her which, I feel, means she wouldn't think she was at fault for her cruel and thoughtless attitude if you challenged her about her comments.

I'd distance myself from her and just not be available for meetings and occasions.

HolyMountain · 22/08/2018 12:29

............and the 'strong Mama' is absolutely pathetic.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/08/2018 12:38

I came on here to say that yabu and that friends announcing their pregnancy is a fact of life.

However.... WTF?! Your friend was rude and insensitive, “strong mama” who’s not going to miscarry this time - who even says that?

I get that she’s excited but honestly has she no empathy/common sense. At least your other friends backed you up in thinking that she was well out of order. What a knob.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 22/08/2018 12:43

Yanbu. What an insensitive bitch. Telling you was always going to hurt you but she made no attempts to soften the blow and seemed to go out of her way to hurt you more, given what you said. I hope I never treat anyone like that.

Also, given that some people have early losses or don't announce pregnancies until further along, you're unlikely to be the only person she (unknowingly) just pissed off. Drop her. En masse. Sounds like your mates are on your side on this.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 22/08/2018 12:43

I think you've made the right decision. She deserves to be out of your life, but you don't want her blaming you to others for upset in her pregnancy.

I agree with your dh that it was calculatedly cruel. I've had six miscarriages and if anyone had said that to me, I would never have spoken to them again, tbh.

Stop contacting her and keep a polite distance at social events you are both at. Perhaps block her on social media in such a way that she doesn't know she's blocked. if she wants to know why you have cooled off, you could tell her calmly and non-aggressively (either in writing or with witnesses, so that she can't twist it after the fact) that her comments about being 'strong' meaning she won't miscarry and her mc being a blip were extremely hurtful to you in light of your experiences. If she is any sort of a person at all, if it wasn't deliberately cruel, she will be horrified and abjectly beg your forgiveness.

boobymilkmachine · 22/08/2018 13:39

Poor you she sounds horrible. Some people are massively insensitive and oblivious to the feelings of others, which is sort of forgivable, but that really does seem deliberate and nasty. Unless she figures out for herself what a twat she's been & begs for your forgiveness (unlikely from what you've said) then I'd move on from her & spend your time with people who will be kind & thoughtful to you.
By the way, from what you've said about how you've handled these sort of situations before, you sound lovely.

Weepingangels · 22/08/2018 13:54

She sounds even worse now. Maybe block and ignore her? The temptation is to be honest, would that lead to more stress for you?

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 22/08/2018 14:01

The sort about her MC being a blip was horrid knowing your situation but I think her announcing it to her group of friends is okay

Butterymuffin · 22/08/2018 14:45

I think some women are just self centred twats, and being pregnant makes them worse.

This. It just goes to show that having had something bad happen to you doesn't cure you of being a self-centred cow. And after what you've now posted about her birthday message last year, I would dismiss her as a grade A bitch and remove her from your life.

BlackberryandNettle · 22/08/2018 15:28

Vile way to announce, I'm so sorry. I'd stop seeing her and arrange to see the others who were supportive in the next few days for coffee, I'd confide in them that you'd like to avoid her because of 'strong mama' (vomitous) etc comments.

Also she's an idiot if she thinks anyone would believe she could plan the gender - wtf??

Cutesbabasmummy · 22/08/2018 15:52

She was very insensitive. And as far as knowing she will carry to term - well, it ain't over till the baby's in your arms....

ambereeree · 22/08/2018 15:55

YANBU what an utter wally. I'm cringing reading her “strong mama” nonsense.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2018 18:04

I hate her on your behalf OP!

Sounds like everyone else has her number, they know what she’s like. Vile, competitive, insufferable. Even if she does say that you’ve dropped her because she’s PG, a) who cares? and b) no one will believe her.

Drop her now. Ugh, she sounds hideous.

ImperfectPirouette · 22/08/2018 18:31

Very VERY glad to hear that you're going to flush this toxic article out of your life (this is one time where you can't leave detoxing to your kidneys & liver...) as she just sounds grim.

I managed to break off a horrendously damaging school friendship when I was at university & I cannot tell you how glad I am I didn't let it drag on any longer. And not just because of the comedy!misunderstanding where I thought my friend, outraged & disgusted at a message from unfriend, was suggesting I stab her. Very different upbringings. Have lost some other unpleasant unfriends along the way & it is weird&shard, but Worth It.

DN4GeekinDerby · 22/08/2018 20:51

I think your choice to cool things off with the insecure, insensitive person is the right one. She sounds downright cruel to me.

Really, most of what you've written she's said - particularly the line about 'Strong Mama who will', sounds like some Bible Belt people I used to know who think if they declare something they want well enough, it will happen. They tended to be very showy, appearance-focused and really insecure without constant validations from others or 'signs' or being better than someone else. Toxic and draining to be around. I hope things go better for you with your other nicer friends.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 23/08/2018 09:05

Oh God, she sounds like a completely fool
Strong enough not to miscarry? How incredibly offensive. Let’s hope it keep fine for her.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/08/2018 09:18

MrsMeyers she does not sound like a particularly nice person from what you have said, and that reflected in her speech. Yes quietly cool it off, and distance yourself, be busy or ignore her texts. Just because you have known her for so long, goes not mean you have to maintain a friendship with her.

Verbena87 · 24/08/2018 10:06

I’ve just read your update. You are a lovely human. She is a bum hole. In friendship stakes, old doesn’t always mean most valuable. I had a really toxic friendship for a while and then realised that asking myself “does this relationship bring me much more joy and warmth than worry/stress/sadness?” And if not, moving calmly away made life a million times better.

woodfires · 24/08/2018 14:47

OP she is an idiot, I thought that I had got safely to the end of my higher risk pregnancy, not because I was strong but because I was lucky, and DC came within a whisker of dying during birth. No one has control over these things.

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