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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking friend could have announced pregnancy more kindly?

171 replies

MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:35

I know I'm actually being unreasonable a bit.

But fucking hell. My friend knows that my ds was a miracle. And that we've be desperately trying for five years since (and had 8 miscarriages.)

I'm now 41 and have recently been telling friends to stop asking about pregnancy etc as it's not likely we'll conceive or carry to term again.

Tonight at a picnic dinner my good friend does a big announcement in front of 10 of us of how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

I am really pleased for her but would have appreciated a heads up. We sat alone chatting for over 30 minutes. She could have told me then. She absolutely knows the heartbreak and struggle we've been through with fertility treatments.

A few friends have since text saying how awful it was and how they were embarrassed, especially banging on about strong Mums being able to not miscarry. I said it was fine but I'm so hurt.

OP posts:
LaPufalina · 22/08/2018 05:47

Bit of a jaw-dropper, that. I don't blame you for being upset, OP, that's such a nasty (and factually incorrect) thing for her to say. Agree that she sounds like she's trying to convince herself that nothing will go wrong, but what a way to do it.

Ohyesiam · 22/08/2018 05:49

Ooh op that’s s dreadful way for her to behave. Ouch.
She’s no friend, do you have to see her?

Grasslands · 22/08/2018 05:54

how crass, i wouldn't blame you if you went low contact.

Goth237 · 22/08/2018 06:07

She sounds awful. What an insensitive way of going about things! YANBU and in all honesty I would find it very difficult to be friends with her anymore. I would absolutely say something to her, if you intend to still be friends with her. I'm sorry about your losses, OP. I've had a couple of miscarriages too and I'm not saying that it's anywhere near as traumatic as your experience, but I do know how devastating any loss is hugs.

ellesbellesxxx · 22/08/2018 06:10

Urgh what a vile thing to say 🌷🌷
YANBU.
Hugs x

Groovee · 22/08/2018 06:11

She was unreasonable for her comments about being a strong mama and things being blips. She needs to give her head a wobble.

💐💐

Drycleanonly7 · 22/08/2018 06:15

How awful for you OP. Miscarriages are not blips. They are lives shortened. I wouldn't want to be around a friend like that. I am sorry you have had so much sadness. I miscarried twins and as I am 45 a second child is not looking likely now. The hurt is so harsh. Will you talk to her about it or not do you think?

MsFrosty · 22/08/2018 06:23

You are not bejng unreasonable. She's a massive insensitive dickhead

ProseccoPoppy · 22/08/2018 06:27

”a strong Mama who will carry to full term”

Shock

What the actual fuck?! She really is a total arse. You are not being unreasonable, and it sounds as though your mutual friends also thought she was being an insensitive (and, frankly, strange) knob.

Who even thinks things like that ffs.

Hope you’re as ok as you can be OP. Flowers

Figgygal · 22/08/2018 06:30

I was ready to say Yabu but in those circumstances she's a nasty ass bitch

She is no excuse

Figgygal · 22/08/2018 06:30

Age is no excuse even

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/08/2018 06:32

Shock You are so not being unreasonable! Sounds like you were very dignified about it op, even considering the wine. Others have obviously noticed this too. She does not sound like a good friend Flowers

SleepWarrior · 22/08/2018 06:32

The whole announcement sounds pretty attention and validation seeking. Nobody cares that much about someone having a third child other than to be vaguely pleased for them, or actually hurt because it's a painful subject for them - a bug announcement is cringe worthy. Your DH is probably bang on in thinking she's insecure.

pictish · 22/08/2018 06:33

She’s an insensitive if not deliberately hurtful, prick. I’m so sorry your ‘friend’ has behaved like that.
I can only hope she has gone home, recalled the conversation, had a flash of realisation and is cringing, cringing, cringing into her fists.
She ought to be.

BlueBug45 · 22/08/2018 06:35

OP I bet you weren't the only one in the group hurt by her crass comment. Oh well least you don't need enemies...

user1471426142 · 22/08/2018 06:36

That really must have been horrid for you. I imagine it comes from fear and insensitivity rather than spite though if that makes it any better. But it really doesn’t take a genius to realise that her words would have been deeply upsetting for you given your sad circumstances.

JustTheLemons · 22/08/2018 06:36

If she’s been able to plan to avoid Christmas AND choose the sex then that sounds very much like medical intervention to me.

As a result I bet her ‘super fertile’ nonsense is defensiveness to distract from the truth- that it’s been made in a test tube.

I imagine you were the last thing on her mind and that she was desperately brazening it out to avoid questions. Weird, but that’s what it sounds like to me.

I’m so sorry OP. What an unpleasant friend she is.

Mossend · 22/08/2018 06:36

I think the wording of her announcement was awful and to me it seems like she was trying to deliberately upset you with her news.

She may be super fertile but she sure isn't super sensitive. Thankfully it looks like your other friends have her sussed op

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/08/2018 06:37

People who go on about how 'super fertile' they are are just about the biggest bores around.

Sounds like your dh has the measure of her. Insecurity can make people behave like absolute twats.

YaddaYaddaHey · 22/08/2018 06:37

She sounds like a self absorbed cunt. If I was you I'd distance myself from her.

gamerwidow · 22/08/2018 06:40

Wow that it so unbelievably awful for her to do that. I think if even your friends noticed enough to text you about it later you can be sure you’re not just being over sensitive. Whatever her own feelings about her miscarriage it was horrible of her to do that.

AngelsOnHigh · 22/08/2018 06:42

She's an idiot!!!

mellongoose · 22/08/2018 06:48

she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

Who says this?! More fool her. I know of perfectly healthy pregnancies that have gone horribly wrong at the end. Not that I would wish on her or anyone but it's foolish to crow so loudly when baby still has a long way to go.

cakecakecheese · 22/08/2018 06:53

I know she's excited and all but the 'strong mama' stuff was way too much.

KM99 · 22/08/2018 06:55

I would be highly tempted to say something to her and I'm someone who avoids confrontation a lot. I think it's a kindness to acknowledge her good news but gently point out the gross insensitivity of her comment.