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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking friend could have announced pregnancy more kindly?

171 replies

MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:35

I know I'm actually being unreasonable a bit.

But fucking hell. My friend knows that my ds was a miracle. And that we've be desperately trying for five years since (and had 8 miscarriages.)

I'm now 41 and have recently been telling friends to stop asking about pregnancy etc as it's not likely we'll conceive or carry to term again.

Tonight at a picnic dinner my good friend does a big announcement in front of 10 of us of how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

I am really pleased for her but would have appreciated a heads up. We sat alone chatting for over 30 minutes. She could have told me then. She absolutely knows the heartbreak and struggle we've been through with fertility treatments.

A few friends have since text saying how awful it was and how they were embarrassed, especially banging on about strong Mums being able to not miscarry. I said it was fine but I'm so hurt.

OP posts:
Bella898 · 22/08/2018 09:22

strong - are women who miscarry weak? so insensitive
mama - fuck off, you're a mother
who will carry to term - no guarantee, why so smug?
temporary blip what an awful way to refer to a lost baby

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2018 09:24

OP you say you were a tit in your 20s and 30s. Would you have ever said something like that?

hamzilla · 22/08/2018 09:47

Boasting and insecurity go hand in hand. But regardless, what she did was bloody horrible and I would be distancing myself from this absolute idiot.
I'm sorry for your struggles OP. It sounds like it's been a very difficult few years Thanks

Tanith · 22/08/2018 09:55

I'm another that would have walked out in the middle of that and had nothing more to do with her.

It wasn't insensitive; it was spiteful and cruel. She rehearsed that speech, it wasn't just an accidental foot-in-mouth moment.

Glumglowworm · 22/08/2018 09:56

YANBU

people can announce they’re pregnant, even to those with infertility issues, without being a massive dick. Talking about her “temporary blip” and being “strong” therefore implying you’re weak (wtaf?!) and banging on about her lucky fertility makes her a massive dick.

I’m so sorry for your struggles, and sorry that you have a “friend” who’s so insensitive.

WilburIsSomePig · 22/08/2018 09:59

YANBU at all. When I told my friend (?) that I'd miscarried her response was 'Oh no, that's a shame. I just have to look at DH at I'm up the duff and keep them in there. Strong ovaries obviously'. All while patting me on the hand.

C0untDucku1a · 22/08/2018 09:59

Oh my good god above. What a nob she is. An utter, utter nob. That was calculatedly cruel. The wording was designed to be as hurtful as possible.

Cut her off. Sounds like a few of your friends would do the same!

ohfourfoxache · 22/08/2018 10:23

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through Thanks

She is no friend

Hopoindown31 · 22/08/2018 10:26

Perhaps she is very anxious about this pregnancy and is try to get support and convince herself that it will all be okay this time. Anxiety often makes us unable to think about other's feelings and social graces.

CoraPirbright · 22/08/2018 10:34

I would ditch her. To announce a pregnancy is one thing but to blather on about being a “strong mama who can carry to term”.....well does she have form for being spiteful to you? What an awful person.

AlliKaneErikson · 22/08/2018 10:46

Poor you- it must have been horrible. After about 12 years now I’m still upset at my SIL; after years of DH and I suffering infertility and a number of miscarriages she came and announced she was pregnant after one month of trying, and how she didn’t realise it was so easy to get pregnant! Hmm

Babdoc · 22/08/2018 10:47

I think some women are just self centred twats, and being pregnant makes them worse.
One of my SILs phoned me not long after my husband died in his 30’s.
She gaily informed me that the anniversary of his death would now be happy instead of sad, as she was expecting a baby then!
Anyway, she miscarried at 4 months and needed transfused for major blood loss. Not quite so fucking happy after that, presumably.....

Weepingangels · 22/08/2018 10:57

WilburIsSomePig that is no friend but a cruel person.

Babdoc, it is awful your SIL miscarried, her words in announcing her pregnancy were cruel.

I am sorry for both your losses too. I was lucky in that those around me weren't insensitive although i had constant 'when will you make me an X' from family members which made me want to shout at them.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 22/08/2018 10:59

Yanbu there surely was a better way for her to word it. It was insensitive of her

bananamonkey · 22/08/2018 11:16

What a fucking dick! So sorry about your losses Flowers

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/08/2018 11:38

I would be very tempted to send her a message, saying congratulations for the good news, but that, as a mother who has miscarried not once but eight times, you were very hurt by her comment about Strong Mamas.

Hopefully one of the other people who was there will tell her how tactless and insensitive she was.

Eliza9917 · 22/08/2018 11:42

how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

We sat alone chatting for over 30 minutes. She could have told me then

She also told me it was nice to be so fertile you could plan to avoid Christmas and whether to get a boy or girl. 'I guess I'm just Mrs Super Fertile despite my blip' tinkly laugh.

I'd have to unfriend her and have no more to do with her.

Lookingforadvice123 · 22/08/2018 11:47

YANBU. Very insensitive and borderline mean, knowing your history.

I'm pregnant with DC2, very lucky, conceived first month with both, no miscarriages touches wood.

I know how flipping lucky I am, and it makes me all the more aware that others aren't. One friend in particular has struggled and is currently going through IVF. I told her via message, and said I 100% understand if she'd rather I didn't bring it up much. She has said she's fine with it (she's the most selfless person I know) but I still haven't brought it up, she doesn't need to hear about how hideous my sickness has been etc when all she wants is to have her own. Nothing on social media etc.

Anonymumm · 22/08/2018 11:50

Your friend was incredibly insensitive, and conceited - she sounds a very "it's all about me" kind of person.

Credit to you for hanging around at the picnic.

So pleased to hear all the messages of support that your friends sent you, it's good to know they have your back.

Take good care OP Flowers

recklessruby · 22/08/2018 11:57

She's no friend OP. Why did she sit chatting with you for thirty minutes and say nothing then the big announcement?
On a side note I m sick of all this strong mama type thing too.
Stop boasting and get some empathy.
Personally I wouldn't tempt fate by saying I m going to carry to term either. And I don't know why she had to do the big speech in front of everyone. Immature attention seeker.

Original poster
MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 12:04

Thank you all so much for your replies!

I'm feeling a little fuzzy headed this morning. Blush

I think that it's the end of the friendship for us. Dh has actually been telling me for sometime that she's not a good friend but she's my oldest friend I have here so I've persevered.

DH says he thinks she knew full well she was being hurtful. He's not a huge fan of hers. Her and her husband both talk quite a lot about how they've got the best car, house, boat etc and how much everything costs, how expensive their holiday was etc. It doesn't really bother me, everyone's different and it would be boring if we're all the same but it really winds Dh up. One of my friends recently declined a party invitation there and said they 'isn't want to deal with the bragging and competition'.

I actually did a thread around this time last year when I'd asked her what she was doing for her birthday and she'd text back 'going out for dinner than dancing with my good girlfriends, will be so much fun!'

I will just quietly cool things off I think. I don't want their thinking or telling people I broke off the friendship because she's pregnant. If I bring it up then that's probably what she'll tell people and I'll look like a bitter old hag!

But then I don't think anyone that really knows me would think that as I've been so pleased for everyone else, even when one was sprung on me at a kid's party. That was just thoughtless and excitement which I totally get. I just took myself off to the toilet for a wee cry then came back happy.

This is can't overlook. She's an intelligent woman, one who's seen me at my worse after a miscarriage. And actually, this has made me not like her very much!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 12:08

When she said choosing the sex she meant having sex at a certain point in fertility. I think there's some thing called the shettles method where having sex earlier in the ovulation period makes a girl.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/08/2018 12:10

@Stimmyplip - to be honest, if you have reached the point of cooling off the relationship, do you have anything to lose by telling her how tactless and insensitive she was?

AngeloMysterioso · 22/08/2018 12:11

Good decision. Anybody who was a halfway decent friend wouldn’t be so breathtakingly obnoxious and insensitive to your feelings

backstreetboysareback · 22/08/2018 12:14

Who even says those things.
I'm so sorry that you're going through that. She sounds unhinged