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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking friend could have announced pregnancy more kindly?

171 replies

MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:35

I know I'm actually being unreasonable a bit.

But fucking hell. My friend knows that my ds was a miracle. And that we've be desperately trying for five years since (and had 8 miscarriages.)

I'm now 41 and have recently been telling friends to stop asking about pregnancy etc as it's not likely we'll conceive or carry to term again.

Tonight at a picnic dinner my good friend does a big announcement in front of 10 of us of how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

I am really pleased for her but would have appreciated a heads up. We sat alone chatting for over 30 minutes. She could have told me then. She absolutely knows the heartbreak and struggle we've been through with fertility treatments.

A few friends have since text saying how awful it was and how they were embarrassed, especially banging on about strong Mums being able to not miscarry. I said it was fine but I'm so hurt.

OP posts:
Fireworks91 · 22/08/2018 08:25

Utter arsehole. Her, not you.

SweetheartNeckline · 22/08/2018 08:25

Is she normally unkind? If yes, or there's a pattern of "insensitive" (I'd say nasty) behaviour that seems to target you, then there's the answer.

It definitely sounds like she's insecure - pregnancy after loss can be a total mind fuck and it sounds like she's trying to convince herself, especially if she miscarried after it was "safe" to tell people last time.

I'm sorry for all your losses, OP. Flowers

Grated · 22/08/2018 08:27

Anyone that says 'mama' is BU

Loonoon · 22/08/2018 08:32

She was supremely insensitive and thoughtless and I agree with other people that it sounds like a massive bluff to cover her own insecurity. That’s no help to you though. OTOH, would there have been a way to tell you this news that didn’t hurt you?

I winced at the part where she said she would carry the baby to full term. I’m not usually superstitious but I would feel very uncomfortable about making an announcement like that about something that’s completely outside my control.

I am so sorry this happened to you OP. Flowers

diddl · 22/08/2018 08:33

" 'I guess I'm just Mrs Super Fertile despite my blip' "

What a crass thing to say-ever-to anyone!

She sounds rather strange!

Yogagirl123 · 22/08/2018 08:34

So sorry OP, if I had been in that position I would have said something straight away, it’s not on, a friend would never hurt you with such wounding words.

I would seriously be reconsidering the friendship. Fountains and drains, life’s much easier when you surround yourself with Fountains.

Good luck OP.

Butteredparsn1ps · 22/08/2018 08:34

It takes an exceptionally “strong mama” to go through infertility and recurrent miscarriage, imo.

Artichoke nails it for me. Flowers for you OP.

If she wasn’t pregnant, I’d assume she was pissed. Not that that’s an excuse.

jelliebelly · 22/08/2018 08:40

What an odd announcement - and what an odd "friend"!

Your own struggles were obviously very very far away from her mind - totally self absorbed and most definitely over compensating for something - sorry you're having such a shit time trying to conceive no.2 Thanks

Missingstreetlife · 22/08/2018 08:41

Plenty still can go wrong, she is silly to be smug, even after her child is born.
Glad your friends are aware. Be kind to yourself

FourPillars · 22/08/2018 08:46

She’s an amazingly insensitive arsehole. YADNBU.

Sorry for your losses OP Flowers.

WhiteDust · 22/08/2018 08:47

Tonight at a picnic dinner my good friend does a big announcement in front of 10 of us of how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term

Those were her actual words?
If so, she's an idiot.

virtuousfantine · 22/08/2018 08:48

"she's now a strong Mama"

She sounds like an arsehole.

mintich · 22/08/2018 08:49

She's an idiot, I've had friends say similar so I can believe it!

Racecardriver · 22/08/2018 08:49

Yep, definitely really insecure. Just avoid her.

itshappened · 22/08/2018 08:51

There are no excuses for behaving like this, no matter how insecure she is and how emotional she remains after a miscarriage. Your friend was unforgivable in the way she announced her pregnancy. I hope you are ok.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2018 08:55

I agree, there are no excuses for her dreadful behaviour, there is one think to say it privately to you, and you can execute a response; but to knowingly announce it in the way she did, in public, knowing what you are going through, is disgusting.

dueanotherchange · 22/08/2018 08:58

She sounds like a strong arsehole to be honest.

Although I put anyone who calls themselves Mama or Mumma, particularly with strong in front of it in the same bucket as the "hun" brigade. It's not a nice bucket. It's rusty.

As a fertility treatment veteran, who knows how hard it is to say "Congratulations!" while you're slowly dying on the inside, but recognises the importance of doing it so that others don't have their (absolutely justifiable) joy tempered by your sadness, your "friend" is an idiot and I suggest you drop her like a stone in favour of the people who texted you this evening.

Thanks and best of luck for the future.

Verbena87 · 22/08/2018 09:01

she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

Quite apart from her glaring insensitivity, I honestly don’t know how anyone dares to make comments like this as if a pregnancy is a guarantee of a live baby.

Hope you’re not too furious OP; she’s an idiot Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2018 09:02

She needs reminding that anything can happen to the baby in each stage of pregnancy.

Weepingangels · 22/08/2018 09:05

She is at best insensitive and her words were cruel or she is a spiteful person. Is your friend normally self centered and spiteful?

For your own peace i would step far back. This is may be the only thing she says that is breathtakingly insensitive and you need to protect yourself. Additionally, she has been a shit friend and person to say that especially given your history.

I am sorry for your losses Flowers.

dontknowwhattodo80 · 22/08/2018 09:14

What a bitch Shock

So sorry for your losses OP xx

Juells · 22/08/2018 09:18

She's thinking about her own life and her own miscarriage, and trying to make herself feel strong. She's obviously afraid the same thing will happen again. Not everyone can think about other people's feelings all the time.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 22/08/2018 09:20

The "strong mama" comment is appalling and probably offended more than just yourself. With 10 women in the room, chances are you weren't the only one who's suffered MC. Drop her like a stone. Who needs friends like that? If she's on social media, block her or you'll be treated to another 7 or 8 months of this sort of insensitive, arrogant crap.

Biscuitsneeded · 22/08/2018 09:20

At best, self-absorbed and tactless, at worst, a bitch. I would just give her a wide berth for the foreseeable.

Mommybearx · 22/08/2018 09:22

Totally agree with you. I think how she’s speaking is also so disrespectful to her own miscarriage. And the comments about strong show she’s insecure, would keep her at arms length you don’t need friends like that.