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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking friend could have announced pregnancy more kindly?

171 replies

MrsMeyersMum · 22/08/2018 02:35

I know I'm actually being unreasonable a bit.

But fucking hell. My friend knows that my ds was a miracle. And that we've be desperately trying for five years since (and had 8 miscarriages.)

I'm now 41 and have recently been telling friends to stop asking about pregnancy etc as it's not likely we'll conceive or carry to term again.

Tonight at a picnic dinner my good friend does a big announcement in front of 10 of us of how she's pregnant with her third and knew that her one miscarriage was a temporary blip and how she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term.

I am really pleased for her but would have appreciated a heads up. We sat alone chatting for over 30 minutes. She could have told me then. She absolutely knows the heartbreak and struggle we've been through with fertility treatments.

A few friends have since text saying how awful it was and how they were embarrassed, especially banging on about strong Mums being able to not miscarry. I said it was fine but I'm so hurt.

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 22/08/2018 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InionEile · 22/08/2018 07:53

What an insensitive way to announce her pregnancy, especially when she knows your history and had the chance to talk to you one-to-one prior to the dinner. Ugh. She sounds spectacularly self-absorbed.

I would be retreating from this friendship and cooling off. I'm sure there are better friends in your life who deserve your friendship more than she does.

And just think about it: if her pregnancy announcement was this insensitive then imagine what she has in store for the next year - baby shower, gift demands, gender reveal, live-tweeting the birth, endless FB updates. God, no. Who needs that? If you step away from the friendship now, you'll save yourself a world of pain later.

OutPinked · 22/08/2018 07:54

So miscarriages mean a woman is weak then? Wow...

YANBU. Drop the insensitive cow.

Deadheadstickeronacadillac · 22/08/2018 07:55

She can bloody do one! How dare she be so patronising and smug.
It is agony suffering whilst everyone around you seems to be able to have children so easily and these people never seem to get it. She isn't strong to carry a baby, you are strong for getting up every day and keeping going.
Btw, 5 years to conceive dc1 and 4 miscarriages then 11 years for dc2 and 11 further miscarriages...never say never!
ThanksThanks

stayathomer · 22/08/2018 07:56

Sounds fully like immaturity mixed with releif that she's pregnant. And honestly maybe she didn't think of you, but that's an awful pity if she didn't, or maybe she panicked and just started spouting crap. I don't know, I think I'm grabbing at straws. She might just not be the friend you thought she was, I don't know if you're both matched- 'your tinkly laugh sounded more than a little bitter, I think you need to think long and hard about whether you're going to put in the effort to keep this one going although if you're in a big group of friends it might be hard

Caroian · 22/08/2018 07:58

I can understand exactly how you feel, because I'm in a very similar position to you. We started trying for a sibling for our son six years ago next month, and we've been through the entire mill of fertility treatment, miscarriage etc. Although I've finally accepted it isn't going to happen, that does not make the pain disappear.

Fortunately, however, I've dealt mostly with fairly sensitive people. If a "friend" had done that (or does it) me there is no way they would be a friend anymore. I would actually message them bluntly saying that was incredibly crass and insensitive, how they obviously didn't think much of me as they weren't able to consider my feelings and that I would no longer consider them a friend. Because really, who needs a friend like that?

(And maybe a sharp shock of being called on might just, possibly, make her think before the next time she acts like such a prize idiot. )

Itsnotabingthingisit · 22/08/2018 08:01

She's obviously scared and insecure, and 'whistling in the dark' about what could happen.

Problem is , you can be all these things without being as totally horrendous and insensitive as she has.

If you want to keep the friendship, I would have a frank conversation with her, telling her how directly insulting and offensive her comments were.

If she does anything else than apologise, then I would go very low contact and let your friends know the reason why.

This 'friend' will be unbearable as the pregnancy progresses, and God only knows what kind of parent she will be.

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2018 08:01

I can’t believe anyone would actually behave like this.

Utterly horrible.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/08/2018 08:04

I know I've made mistakes and been insensitive at times, but even on my scale, this is horrible. To make a big announcement is a little OTT for a third child but to say that she's a 'strong mama' for overcoming a miscarriage is just awful.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/08/2018 08:05

To someone who's obviously struggled with that.

Nikephorus · 22/08/2018 08:06

My first though reading your post was that YWBU because you had your DS, but hearing her go on about miscarriages and strength must have been awful
This ^^. There's announcing your pregnancy and there's being so far past being insensitive that you can't even see it anymore.

He11y · 22/08/2018 08:09

I would tell her how it made me feel and then ditch her. You don’t need friends like that.

It’s a shame your other friends have messaged you afterwards rather than putting her in her place at the time.

theworstwife · 22/08/2018 08:10

The “strong mama” bit made me throw up in my mouth a little. No one could be that naive surely to not think how those sorts of statements would be hurtful - I think she was deliberately being a tool. Talking to her about it probably won’t help - your friends also see her for what she is so I would just move on.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 22/08/2018 08:11

Yes, definitely tell her how insensitive she was, and ask a friend to do so too, - if they haven't already.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2018 08:11

Your friend sounds crass and insensitive to say the least, tbh this would cause me to distance myself from her. I am glad other friends noticed, I think that she embarrassed herself.

ThanosSavedMe · 22/08/2018 08:12

Yanbu. She is a bitch. I don’t care how insecure she might be or whether she is still coming to terms with a previous miscarriage, there was no need for that. She’s a bitch and I would distance myself from her. Strong mama - fuck off

Aeroflotgirl · 22/08/2018 08:12

I agree, the Strong mumma comments, would be enough for me to distance, can't stand people like that.

SleepFreeZone · 22/08/2018 08:15

Fucking hell. You’re a better person than I to even stay friends with her after that episode. I’d have terminated our friendship during the speech.

BossWitch · 22/08/2018 08:16

she's now a strong Mama who will carry to full term

Bleugh. What a classless cuntychops. Even without your history I'd struggle to sit through listening to that self-absorbed twaddle.

I think quietly distance is the way to go. Start now - from the sounds of her there's bound to be all sorts of shite on the way: gender reveal party, baby shower, and so on and on...

MurunBuchstansagur · 22/08/2018 08:17

She’s a silly bitch.

Gazelda · 22/08/2018 08:18

I wouldn't be able to consider her a friend after that.
I'd text her that while you're pleased for her happy news, her words were incredibly hurtful, insensitive and spiteful. She was implying that she thought she was a better 'Mama' than those who struggle with fertility. That miscarriages are 'blips'.
Tell her that you wish her well, but don't think you can spend time with her for the moment, because of the superior attitude she has due to her pregnancy.
Don't let her think you're cutting contact because you're jealous she's pregnant.

Willow2017 · 22/08/2018 08:19

No wonder your friends were embarassed. What an ignorant, selfish cow. (They should have told her to stfu right away though.)
"Strong mamma" wtaf if only it was that simple!
she has been reading too many memes. Does she do mlm too? Sounds like something the bots churn out.

So sorry for all your miscarriages. Its just not fair is it?

numptynuts · 22/08/2018 08:20

She's a complete twat, at best.

I couldn't be friends with such a person.

Ithinkthatsenough · 22/08/2018 08:21

Urgh shw sounds awful...
But if you tell her how insensitive and plain wrong she was, will she accept fault or just think you are jealous of her “strength” and “super fertility”, sounds like the latter to me... twat
She needs educating and told but maybe another friend would like to do that to save you the ballache of listening to her shit again xx

Bezm · 22/08/2018 08:23

That was very insensitive of her, and if other friends who were there thought so too, they will most likely tell her.
Personally, I would message her to congratulate her, but tell her that you found her comments very hurtful and inconsiderate. That you wish her well wil her pregnancy. Then leave the ball in her court. If she has any sense of friendship, she will apologise.

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