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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU with my MOH?

208 replies

FireHazrd · 21/08/2018 16:45

I'm getting married in a few months. My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it.

Obviously I'm delighted that my best mate has found the One, but I'm a bit pissed off that they had to do this now. We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go (November 11th) tensions are high and plans are messing up. I need her help with all this, and I'm afraid that suddenly it's all going to turn into talk about HER wedding (which she's done before, at a wedding fair with me, while not even dating her fiance - instead of helping me, she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding). I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM because I'll be taking away the spotlight from her recent engagement!!

It just feels like I'm not allowed do anything without her swooping in sometimes. She's forever doing stuff the minute I decide to and randomly tagging on to my interests and stuff. I've waited nearly TEN years to have this wedding, I had to finish college, get well after being very sick, survive my parents both passing, save thousands to afford the bloody thing, and a whole heap of other things. I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

On the flipside, they're together maybe a year, and don't live together. As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing. I do believe they love each other and I genuinely am happy, I just wish they'd waited a few months more. I'm happy to still have her in my bridal party, she is my best mate, I'm just a bit peed off about it all. Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 21/08/2018 16:47

Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

Yup!

Enjoy the build up to your wedding! No reason she can’t get excited about hers at the same time and you can share each other’s excitement and experience

HarshingMyMellow · 21/08/2018 16:50

YABVVVVU. But I think you know that.

Your wedding is very important to you.
Her engagement is very important to her.

There's no top trumps. One doesn't outdo the other.

CSIblonde · 21/08/2018 16:50

If someone's competing and its all about them OP, then I'm not sure that they are a real friend. I'd keep them at a little distance and not give them such a big part of things. Is there anyone else who can help on the quiet so she doesnt realise & strop?

Tirednessandmoretiredness · 21/08/2018 16:51

I'm afraid so! My maid of honour wasn't involved so much in the planning. I wouldn't have expected her to look at a seating plan tbh, she didn't know half the people anyway! Why can't you talk about both?

LemonRedwood · 21/08/2018 16:51

Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

Absolutely. They don't need to put their lives and plans on hold because you're getting married.

Your fiance should be helping you with your wedding stuff.

Hillarious · 21/08/2018 16:53

DH and I did the planning for ours.

twiglet · 21/08/2018 16:54

It's easy to get caught up with weddings and think that others are being unreasonable or selfish but other people have lives of their own. At the end of the day it's your wedding and although it maybe nice if they lend you a hand you shouldn't be expecting anyone but you and your DP to put the work in! You don't need to run a seating chart by her she's unlikely to care if your aunt sits next to cousin Barry!

FlyingElbows · 21/08/2018 16:55

You sound like a jealous 7 year old. Grow up. Come November 12th nobody you're going to have to find a new hobby. Oh and your suggestion that her relationship is inferior because she didn't get, or possibly want,a showy proposal is just mean. I'm 22 years in to my no proposal, no wedding marriage! Stop being a bitch and go back to your napkins.

Badwifey · 21/08/2018 16:56

I didn't even read past the first paragraph... my god your are being very very unreasonable. Complete bridezilla.

I hope you at least congratulated your friend.

It sounds like she's not even truly a friend op because if she was you'd have been genuinely delighted for her.

Get over yourself

Didntwanttochangemyname · 21/08/2018 16:57

Your wedding simply isn't that important to anyone outside of you and your DH-to-be.
If you can't bring yourself to be happy for your MOH, then you probably ought to rethink her role in your wedding and your life.

itallhappensforareason · 21/08/2018 16:58

YABU. Your wedding day will be all about you and your husband and you will have an absolutely fantastic day however in the meantime you can't expect everyone to be as excited about your seating plans as you are. People have their own lives to live and are perfectly entitled to be more excited about their own wedding days than they are yours.

Gazelda · 21/08/2018 16:58

You don sound "genuinely happy" for them.

RoxanneMonke · 21/08/2018 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlapAttack23 · 21/08/2018 17:00

Yes you are being a bridezilla but that's ok .. have a strop party at home.about it for a few days then move on!

No one including you will.give a rat's arse about the seating plan or colour chair sashes in a year's time. And most people probably feel that way now.

Weddings usually destroy a few friendships and family relationships along the way. Take it with a bucket of salt and rememebr to you it is v important but to.most others it's exciting to see the vows but all the other stuff is just a day/night out.

Don't let the fact she is engaged come between you.. life is too short to squabble over having the same aisle piece ideas.

I say this as someone whose 2 sibling in laws decided to book their weddinfs one month before mine and the other 2 weeka after mine at short notice.. and one after had same aisle song as me 😂🙄

YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 17:01

It’s funny how everyone expects OP to think of her friend but don’t expect the friend to do the same?

OP fwiw I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, she sounds a bit of a princess type and that would get right up my nose.

“Cannae see shite but they’re efter a bit” my grannie would have said!

OverTheHedgeSammy · 21/08/2018 17:02

YANBU to want the spotlight on yourself for a bit, but YABa bitU to expect it from someone like this.

In all honesty you were being a bit foolish if you know she has form for this type of behaviour! I get it though if your DM is not with you.

Do you have anyone else that would enjoy doing this with you?

Original poster

FireHazrd · 21/08/2018 17:03

My fiance is military and hasn't been involved much because of being overseas. So MOH, sisters ect have been helping double check stuff in his place.

A lot of my fears are comin from her past behavior - namely constantly talking about her wedding plans when she was single instead of helping me plan my actual upcoming wedding, which she had offered to do. That was ages ago and I still get annoyed thinking about it, it was kind of psychotic! Literally the whole day was me saying things like "hey MOH, I like this colour plan but don't know about the flowers in it, what do you think?" and her responding, for the WHOLE day and beyond, "IDK, but at MY wedding when I get married I'm having red flowers, so pretty!"

Things about me tend to rapidly turn into things about her.

OP posts:

LethalLola · 21/08/2018 17:03

LOL this has to be a joke.

Why would anybody factor in YOUR wedding in THEM getting engaged? It's irrelevant. You're a total bridezilla, your poor friend.

As for running the seating chart past her, why on earth would she give a shit? Why would you need to run it past her? I'm genuinely baffled. What a non event.

harriethoyle · 21/08/2018 17:04

SendintheArdwolves · 21/08/2018 17:04

"Cannae see shite but they’re efter a bit” my grannie would have said!

Do you have any idea what she meant by it?

LeighaJ · 21/08/2018 17:04

It's interesting that in talking about your big day and what you deserve and blah blah blah you never once mention your husband to be. Comes across as very shallow like you just want your big day and the groom is just a co-star.

Not everyone likes "shacking up" before marriage and I can assure you that you can be engaged and married without a proposal.

YABVVVU

YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 17:06

SendintheArdwolves I don’t think there’s an equivalent English phrase but it means some people can’t see what others have without wanting it themselves

Ginger1982 · 21/08/2018 17:06

You sound like a nightmare!

DannyWallace · 21/08/2018 17:06

Is this for real?
My DH is military too and was away for some of the engagement! Was still involved in planning when possible.
My bridesmaids and MOH were great, but obviously had their own lives too! You're wedding is the most important thing in the world to you right now....but no one else (except maybe your DP) will feel the same! They'll be excited for you, but that's it!

YeTalkShiteHen · 21/08/2018 17:07

Things about me tend to rapidly turn into things about her

She’s not a good friend then tbh, all friendships have times where one needs the other more or one has a “big thing” that the other should want to be supportive of.

Turning everything into being about her not only sounds thunderingly boring, but selfish too.

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