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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my MOH?

208 replies

FireHazrd · 21/08/2018 16:45

I'm getting married in a few months. My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it.

Obviously I'm delighted that my best mate has found the One, but I'm a bit pissed off that they had to do this now. We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go (November 11th) tensions are high and plans are messing up. I need her help with all this, and I'm afraid that suddenly it's all going to turn into talk about HER wedding (which she's done before, at a wedding fair with me, while not even dating her fiance - instead of helping me, she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding). I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM because I'll be taking away the spotlight from her recent engagement!!

It just feels like I'm not allowed do anything without her swooping in sometimes. She's forever doing stuff the minute I decide to and randomly tagging on to my interests and stuff. I've waited nearly TEN years to have this wedding, I had to finish college, get well after being very sick, survive my parents both passing, save thousands to afford the bloody thing, and a whole heap of other things. I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

On the flipside, they're together maybe a year, and don't live together. As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing. I do believe they love each other and I genuinely am happy, I just wish they'd waited a few months more. I'm happy to still have her in my bridal party, she is my best mate, I'm just a bit peed off about it all. Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

OP posts:
Icequeen01 · 22/08/2018 07:18

She's your MOH not your flaming PA!

YBVVU.

DianaT1969 · 22/08/2018 07:30

I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

Do you need it though?
What's missing in your life that you need your friend to put her life on hold while you obsess for months (years?) about a party.
Come back on MN in a year when she's dragging you around btide fairs and making you study seating plans. Let us know how excited you are about it all...

Lizzie48 · 22/08/2018 07:49

You sound awful, why can't you just be happy for your best friend? You sound very self-centred and yes, a bridezilla. Hmm

CripsSandwiches · 22/08/2018 07:53

I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.
The thing is I think you're putting too much pressure on it and it makes it more likely to disappoint you.

Also you said you want your day but you're not only expecting a day but expecting to be the centre of attention in the months leading up to that day too which is unreasonable. While you might expect little bits of help from your MOH the planning is really down to you and DH. Stuff like seating plans you two can just sort out between you.

Guienne · 22/08/2018 08:29

You're spending thousands on something you describe as a "bloody thing"? Time to step back and think about your priorities. A wedding really shouldn't be this stressful, and the function of a MoH is not to put her life on hold and spend all her time planning the wedding with the bride.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/08/2018 08:45

As others have said, a wedding really shouldn’t be this stressful! The planning process should be fun unless your setting yourself up for massive disappointment! Just try to enjoy it and stop worrying about things you can’t control.

CrossFlannelCherry · 22/08/2018 09:00

I had a friend like you once, a complete Bridezilla. Her wedding photographer happened to be a friend of my mum. On her wedding day, when the 'friends' group photo was being set up, the photographer noticed me in the group and said "Oh hi Cherry, congratulations to you and Pedro on your engagement". It was a passing comment, people went 'ahh' then forgot about it. Later I was aware Bridezilla was being off with me, I had no idea why. A few weeks later photographer tells me Bridezilla and her parents had turned up at his studio having a meltdown over him having outraged their sensibilities by commenting on my engagement. They were refusing to pay for the photos, because of his passing comment! He said to me "I thought you two were friends", well so did I. What was even stranger was she couldn't understanding why I didn't want much (anything) to do with her after that. Just chill out ffs.

Seeingadistance · 23/08/2018 23:52

Remembrance Sunday seems an odd day for a wedding, particularly as this year is the 100th anniversary of the end of the 1st World War.

emmyrose2000 · 24/08/2018 03:45

My cousin, my (then) best friend and I all become engaged within a few weeks of each other. I can't even remember the order in which it happened, as that sort of thing is so irrelevant. We then got married at six week intervals. It was great that we were all going through this exciting and important life event at the same time, and we were all very supportive of each other.

I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM
I have no idea why you think your bridal party should care, or be involved in, planning the seating chart, or even any other part of your wedding. Those details are handled by the people involved/who care - ie. the engaged couple and maybe their parents/hosts; not the MOH or anyone else.

Lizzie48 · 24/08/2018 05:54

I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM

It certainly never occurred to me to bother my MOH (my DSis) with the seating plan. I did it myself, putting a lot of effort into seating everyone with people they knew, to give everyone as happy a time as possible.

I wouldn't have thought of involving anyone else in that job, though my DM had some input into it.

Aus84 · 24/08/2018 06:03

OP, I agree, you totally deserve your day. One day. The actual wedding day. You sound high maintenance. Like those people who say "my birthday month".

Clionba · 24/08/2018 06:25

That's an excellent point, @Seeingadistance. Are you going to have a 2 mins silence, OP?

altiara · 24/08/2018 08:09

OP, you and the groom should plan your wedding, or get family members to help.
Obviously your friend is going to like different colour schemes to you, so why ask her when it’s your choice? She’s probably taken the sting out of it by telling you what she’d choose as she ‘may’ dislike what you like. So really just sounds like you want to go on and on about your wedding with someone nodding and agreeing with everything you say. No friends like that, it’s boring!
Just get on with your own wedding planning and the important thing is to provide lots of food and drink for guests.
You also need to start being happier for your friends, ‘maybe’ your friend was talking about your wedding and her finance brought it up as it’s a sensible time to talk about marriage if they’re talking about their future and living together.

TurnipCake · 24/08/2018 08:17

You're setting yourself up for a brutal post-wedding day comedown OP.

Try to get a little perspective. And agree, if that is your wedding date, bit bizarre.

OutPinked · 24/08/2018 08:37

YABU, this is craaaaazzzyyyy. I’ve read some pretty bonkers things on MN but this really takes the Biscuit.

Can you imagine being due to have your first baby in November and your BF dares to get pregnant a few months before so suddenly the spotlight is on her? It’s just so, so mental.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 26/08/2018 21:40

I couldn't even make it to the end of your post.

YABU!!!

You sound like a terrible friend, let alone a Brizezilla. Maybe enjoy the fact that you can go on this planning journey together??

Gemini69 · 26/08/2018 21:41

My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it

dear oh dear oh dear Hmm

MarthasGinYard · 26/08/2018 21:43

If this is real Then yes yabu

Offred2 · 26/08/2018 21:46

This whole idea that the maid of honour should take on so much of the wedding planning seems so bizarre to me. Surely it is for the bride and groom (note - NOT just the bride) to plan the day that will start their married lives. Even if the groom works abroad/military there’s email, Skype, internet etc.

Hopefully it doesn’t apply to you OP but I always get an uneasy feeling about the long term marriage prospects of a bride who seems to be planning ‘her’ wedding, rather than jointly planning it with her husband to be.

HeebieJeebies456 · 26/08/2018 21:54

She's forever doing things like this. It feels like the ultimate FYCK you in a way.

So stop being a doormat then.
why give her the honour of MOH when you know she likes pissing all over you?
Kinda asking for it....

TheMonkeyMummy · 26/08/2018 21:56

This has to be a wind up.
No one is this self centred,
Surely.

QueenDoria · 26/08/2018 21:58

When it comes to weddings, I'm with Caitlin Moran - "it's just a party with aunties"...

Lizzie48 · 26/08/2018 22:02

I really don't think the OP will be back. Hmm

WarmingUpWithHotCoffee · 26/08/2018 22:02

Wow OP! Yes you r definitely a bridezilla!

Can't you just enjoy chatting about weddings and dresses and stuff together :) I would have loved it if one of my good friends had been getting married at a similar time to me!! :)

KitKaty · 26/08/2018 22:03

Ok, I totally understand how you feel. I had a friend who got engaged the day after me, sent me bridesmaid dresses to try on two days before my wedding, messaged me about her hen do whilst I was on my honeymoon and was generally very inconsiderate. BUT you just have to ignore it, this is your day and if she’s being a dick just don’t involve her. ;)