AIBU with my MOH?

[FireHazrd]

I'm getting married in a few months. My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it.

Obviously I'm delighted that my best mate has found the One, but I'm a bit pissed off that they had to do this now. We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go (November 11th) tensions are high and plans are messing up. I need her help with all this, and I'm afraid that suddenly it's all going to turn into talk about HER wedding (which she's done before, at a wedding fair with me, while not even dating her fiance - instead of helping me, she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding). I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM because I'll be taking away the spotlight from her recent engagement!!

It just feels like I'm not allowed do anything without her swooping in sometimes. She's forever doing stuff the minute I decide to and randomly tagging on to my interests and stuff. I've waited nearly TEN years to have this wedding, I had to finish college, get well after being very sick, survive my parents both passing, save thousands to afford the bloody thing, and a whole heap of other things. I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

On the flipside, they're together maybe a year, and don't live together. As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing. I do believe they love each other and I genuinely am happy, I just wish they'd waited a few months more. I'm happy to still have her in my bridal party, she is my best mate, I'm just a bit peed off about it all. Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

"Tensions are running high"

Please calm down. DH was on the other side of the world while I planned our wedding and I was preparing to join him (he returned two days before the big day and we left the day after). In three days, I wrapped up my job, got married and emigrated.

So I'm not immune to wedding stress, but SERIOUSLY? Why does this even bother you? Just be happy for your friend!

Oh and of my three bridesmaids, two were busy mums of young kids who had far better things to be doing than wedding planning, and the other lived abroad. So you do not NEED people to fuss over you right now. That is what the day is for, surely?

I don't understand this, genuinely. If you genuinely care for your friends' happiness, surely you're just happy to hear their good news? I want my friends and family to be happy after all.

OP. Go back and read your OP.

Are you not mortified with yourself???

She’s not your wedding planner or your servant. You sound like a nightmare with unrealistic expectations. Most of this is yours and your fiancé’s job. It’s your wedding after all. My MOH helped me pick my dress, chose the bridesmaids dresses, helped me with my hen night and helped me get ready on the day. That was about it, and I was grateful for that.

Op I think ywbu to be upset at your friend getting engaged but not u to be upset at her constantly making everything all about her. Even if she is planning her own wedding in her head she could still concentrate on helping you plan your day when you are so close to the occasion. However I do think that others have identified the problem that knowing she can be a bit unreliable in that way you should not have given her a wedding planner role, that is not even traditionally one of the moh duties.
Dont cut her out but see if you can transfer most of that planning stuff to other people such as your sisters and just leave her with the normal moh duties.

Yabu. It's not your friends job to help plan your wedding. It's her job to support you on the day.

Hey, I think your post is valid and I think you should stop reading the replies. This is the sort of thread that makes me hate Mumsnet. What a bunch of bitches. They’re all complete liars if they say they haven’t felt as you’ve described at some point. They just want to be self righteous and make out they’re holier than thou. I think you sound totally normal to me and I am certain every single bride there ever was has had a badly behaved bridesmaid, I know I did. Don’t come back to this thread, just try to enjoy the next few months. Some of the pp’s are right that a year down the line this will be in the past and really won’t matter, but that’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel frustrated, just hold on to that for a sense of perspective that how you feel now isn’t worth letting it ruin the wedding or friendship over. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time and deserve to have your day, no matter how much the bitter responses here dispute that. Your MOH will get her time and if women in general are anything to go by then she’ll undoubtedly have someone winding her up and she may realise how you’d felt this year.

I hope you’ve made it this far to read this beyond all the crabby replies, but seriously don’t come back to the thread. You’ve nothing to gain from reading anymore mean replies. I certainly won’t be back to read them... they’ll all be along the lines of ‘I bet she was like that too’. Nope, I just think this thread is embarrassing to see women behave like this.

@partypooper14 - the OP asked the question in AIBU, which is not known for its fluffy nature. We assumed (rightly or wrongly) that she wanted honest replies, and that is what we have given her.

And for the record, I did not ever feel the way the OP did, about my wedding, nor did I have a 'badly behaved' bridesmaid.

And I do think it is totally 'bridezilla' to expect people in your wedding party to focus on your wedding, to the exclusion of ALL else, for months and months!!

I haven't rtwt but if you knew she had a habit of turning everything into it being about her, why are you expecting her to have such a pivotal role? You chose the right person for the Job. I know a guy who is so often best man - not because he's the grooms life long best friend but because he can be relied apon to be a brilliant best man. Just because you've known her the longest doesn't mean she's the best person to help you organise your wedding. Also sounds like you have lots of reservations about who she is. Why not make some new friends and rethink the role?

OP you are setting yourself up for a massive fall. If you are pinning your happiness on everyone caring as much as you do about your wedding you will only be let down. Unless you are Meghan Markle no one will give a shit what happens at your wedding. Sorry!

Nobody gives a shit about your wedding other than you. Also, you're a shit friend and no idea why you even have her as your MOH.

Actually, this can't be real. Surely no-one is this self absorbed?

So her groom is in the military and is getting married on the 100th anniversary of the end of WW1 in which so many of his predecessors died? Yes, right.

Oh come on partypooper, the OP is a massive bridezilla! There is no escaping that! The MOH is not a slave and can't put her life on hold for OPs wedding for months!!

And this is not true 'every single bride that ever was has had a badly behaved bridesmaid' ?????? Only bridezilla see things this way!

DH and I planned our whole wedding together. We loved giving little gifts to our guests and making them feel special on our lovely day. In the lead up to the day life goes on for everyone else! It's not their day! They shouldn't have to pander to the brides every whim!

I expect you're the bridezilla type as well, @partypooper14 with the 'badly behaved bridesmaid' comment. What rot, how is getting engaged herself being badly behaved?? It's not as if she's booked her wedding to be in the same month!

How bloody shit to be a Bridesmaid let alone a MOH

Especially with this 'me, me' crap going on.

Shudder

My God!!!, the poor girl, she is an adult who wants to get engaged, what on Earth is wrong with that??!!!!!!??????, it’s not like she’s booking her wedding on the same day!!!, surely someone who was a real true friend would just be happy for her!!, stop being such a diva!!, you should just be happy to have her there!!!

• and I am certain every single bride there ever was has had a badly behaved bridesmaid, I know I did.^

Speak for yourself, @partypooper14 .

Maybe take a look at the reason both you and the OP had 'badly behaved' bridesmaids - maybe it has something to do with your ridiculously unrealistic expectations.

I had my best friend, and she had me. Neither of us behaved badly (what with being adults), and neither were there really any expectations on the other, other than to come along and be there for each other on the day.

That you think the behaviour described in the OP is normal marks you out.

Are you American OP, because I think the whole me,me,me wedding planning palava is probably taken far more seriously over there than in the U.K. I suspect if this was written on a US based forum, you'd have lots of posters agreeing with you.
As it is, YABU because it's daft getting so het up over an event lasting just one day.

Are you American OP

OP hasn't commented on this thread since 21 August, when it became obvious that everyone thought she was BVU.

Bridezillas know no country.

I'm struggling to think of anything more boring than going through seating plans for somebody's wedding. Enough of a chore even for your own wedding.

@Kool4katz

"Are you American OP, because I think the whole me,me,me wedding planning palava is probably taken far more seriously over there than in the U.K. I suspect if this was written on a US based forum, you'd have lots of posters agreeing with you.
As it is, YABU because it's daft getting so het up over an event lasting just one day."

She's self-centered so must be American cuz no British person could ever be so self-absorbed!!!

Despite the multiple similar threads I've seen like this since joining MN. They must all be American! We're taking over the UK with our weddings, baby showers, and gender reveals. 🙄

Because it's so easy to move here from the US and much smarter to have your wedding here then in the US, if one has the choice.

Call me old-fashioned, but is a wedding not all about the bride and groom and not the guests?
Sure you want the guests to have a good time, but ultimately the day is about the happy couple.
In all of this, I don't see any mention of the groom to be and that strikes me as odd. It's his day too yes?
It seems to me that weddings these days are all about getting one-up on everyone else, bigger, brighter, better and hardly at all about the reason you are getting married in the first place. Love, devotion, family.
I have to agree with the many others that I feel you're BU and forgetting the real reason this event is taking place at all.
Be happy for your friend and she'll stand by you when you need her the most.
If she's fabricating the engagement purely to mess with you, then she's no friend at all and better find out now than later.
If she genuinely feels she's met 'The One' is it so far-fetched to think that perhaps she's got inspired by your wedding planning and happiness?
Surely as best friends, there should be room enough for you both.
It's not like she's announced she'll be skipping up the aisle next to you.
Congratulations on your big day, I hope it all goes without any problems and that you and your husband to be live a long and happy life together.

I think people are missing the point that it is not her being engaged per se, it is the continual taking the spotlight off the bride ie "that colour napkin is ok, but at my wedding I'll be having this" etc etc continually. That would be very draining. She is there to help the bride (even though as MOH she really isn't meant to actually do anything) not do a running commentary on what HER wedding will be like, what HER place settings will be, etc. I think people are seeing this at face value that a bride is upset that someone else is engaged at the same time. Look a little deeper beneath the surface and you'll understand why the bride feels that way. I believe if we all knew the bride and friend irl, we would definitely agree with the bride and be sick of of MOH's antics.