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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU with my MOH?

208 replies

FireHazrd · 21/08/2018 16:45

I'm getting married in a few months. My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it.

Obviously I'm delighted that my best mate has found the One, but I'm a bit pissed off that they had to do this now. We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go (November 11th) tensions are high and plans are messing up. I need her help with all this, and I'm afraid that suddenly it's all going to turn into talk about HER wedding (which she's done before, at a wedding fair with me, while not even dating her fiance - instead of helping me, she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding). I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM because I'll be taking away the spotlight from her recent engagement!!

It just feels like I'm not allowed do anything without her swooping in sometimes. She's forever doing stuff the minute I decide to and randomly tagging on to my interests and stuff. I've waited nearly TEN years to have this wedding, I had to finish college, get well after being very sick, survive my parents both passing, save thousands to afford the bloody thing, and a whole heap of other things. I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

On the flipside, they're together maybe a year, and don't live together. As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing. I do believe they love each other and I genuinely am happy, I just wish they'd waited a few months more. I'm happy to still have her in my bridal party, she is my best mate, I'm just a bit peed off about it all. Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

OP posts:
Figgygal · 26/08/2018 22:06

Yup total bridezilla and it sounds like you don't like your moh much at all

BewareOfDragons · 26/08/2018 22:09

You're pissed off because they got engaged 'now', in the middle of all your precious wedding plan for a wedding in November?

Get a fucking grip and grow the hell up.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 26/08/2018 22:11

It feels a bit like she HAS to be engaged because I am. That's what's bothering me most. Getting engaged with no intention of marrying soon right before my wedding feels like some sort of weird power play. She's forever doing things like this. It feels like the ultimate FYCK you in a way.

Your wedding is nearly 3 months away (incidentally the amount of time it took to book and plan mine from start to finish) so she hasn't got engaged 'right before' it. You might have a point had she turned up in her MOH dress on the morning of the wedding with an enormous rock on her finger but she hasn't so you don't.

MissConductUS · 26/08/2018 22:14

Yeah ok. message received. I'm insane.

That's a bit too strong. Temporarily deranged under the stress I think.

Good luck with it all. Smile

goodgirls · 26/08/2018 22:16

Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

SO much yes! Shes doing the perfectly normal thing of talking to you about weddings because you are both getting married. Youre acting like a loon because you think yours is the only one that matters and she should be working for you as some kind of unpaid wedding planner!

goodgirls · 26/08/2018 22:16

Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

SO much yes! Shes doing the perfectly normal thing of talking to you about weddings because you are both getting married. Youre acting like a loon because you think yours is the only one that matters and she should be working for you as some kind of unpaid wedding planner!

mum11970 · 26/08/2018 22:18

Yes you are being unreasonable. How long have you been actually organising this wedding? You said she was talking about her imaginary wedding when she was still single, whilst at a wedding fayre with you but you also say she’s been dating her new fiancé for about year. You get a DAY when it’s all about you, just ONE DAY, no more.

stuckinagut · 26/08/2018 22:21

I've been a bridesmaid six times - I have NEVER been asked to 'approve' the seating plan! I generally dislike the hullabaloo that goes with weddings, mainly because of this sort of nonsense, like this is the moment we're all supposed to prove our friendship and loyalty and the bride is afforded special diplomatic immunity or something. I notice the moment the bloody register's dry many brides don't need their 'friends' that forked out for hen dos and expensive dresses any more.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 26/08/2018 22:24

We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go tensions are high

Calm down. You're getting married, not invading Russia.

She's your friend who'll accompany you down the aisle, wearing a nice dress, she's not your wedding planner/PA.

SparkleMotions · 26/08/2018 22:27

Just wow!! Im astounded after reading your post OP, sorry but you sound like a self centred, spoilt brat. Just because you are getting married, doesn't mean the whole world revolves around you and others can't move forward in their lives because heaven forbid, they should steal your precious 'thunder' grow up and be happy for your friend, if you are incapable of doing so, ask someone else to help with wedding prep

Smh!

Ymamiss · 26/08/2018 22:33

Have you watched the film ‘Bride wars’? Seriously, if not, watch it!

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/08/2018 22:40

I need the fuss, I deserve my day

FFS. Grow up. You sound like a toddler having a tantrum. 🙄

Nofunkingworriesmate · 26/08/2018 22:43

You don't sound like good friends at all. I did all my wedding prep, a couple of friends did v small jobs. Moh came dress shopping once that's all.

iamkahleesi · 26/08/2018 22:48

Ha!!

CrystalMazing · 26/08/2018 23:06

Invading Russia Grin

BuntyII · 26/08/2018 23:30

WHEN will this trend for insanely OTT weddings and CFBs come to an end? I find it totally bizarre, people seem to lose all sense of reality, throwing away tens of thousands of pounds on shite like £3000 dresses by designers nobody has ever heard of, photo booths and big light up letters, and losing good friendships along the way.

YAB so U OP that it's hard to express just how unreasonable you are being.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2018 23:32

Nothing from @FireHazrd since Tuesday. I think she has flounced because we are all such meanies.

holidaycountdown54321 · 26/08/2018 23:37

Do you really need to ask are you being bridezilla? The world doesn't stop turning because you are getting married! If your friend decided to get engaged be happy for her.

In the space of me getting engaged and married (18 months) my own brother managed to meet someone, get engaged and then get married to her waaaay before our wedding. Many guests were the same. I have never actually up until about 20 seconds ago considered he stole my thunder having a wedding before mine and marrying someone he had only met less than a year ago.

I just hope that your wedding lives up to your expectations and that your friendship survives. I think some people get so swept up in the whole wedding thing they forget what it's all about.

Two people getting married.

Lickedthespoon · 27/08/2018 00:22

Imagine your best mate always making things about her and never letting you have your happy moments - i’d be pretty fed up too. Keep smiling Smile

Verbena87 · 27/08/2018 00:38

I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

Hmm. Life isn’t like that though. Of our bridesmaids/groomsmen gang in the run up to our wedding, one ended up dealing with bereavement and 2 with long and potentially fatal hospital stays. The universe doesn’t care about our single days - and actually it was brilliant to get wed with them all by our sides alive and well, even if it meant some pre-wedding stuff had to be abandoned. Your moh is getting married; in what way does that detract from you getting married?!

Mamawingingit1234 · 27/08/2018 02:36

I actually feel really bad for OP. It’s sounds like she’s had a tough time. Her MOH agreed to help plan that’s why she was checking about seating charts. And I kinda get where she is coming from with them just deciding to get married rather than an actual proposal. If her friend has a form for this then she’s probably a bit sensitive to it and with what sounds like no other support group (family etc) was depending on MOH more than what’s usually expected of one.

I can relate in a way. I LOVE my bff and with that you take the good with the bad as no one is perfect. However she also has a form for doing the same at time and it can be hard as it’s important to you and therefore you think it should be a little teeny bit important them or at least your feelings about it. I was a bit gutted that after we sent our save the dates she all of a sudden moved her wedding plans from we want to get a house first to we want to do it either month 2 or 3 before yours. AND YES IT TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING TO DO WITH ME but as I’ve said I’ve know her more than half my life and it’s her MO when feeling she might be left behind.

So OP if you are still reading than yes and no. It’s not unreasonable to expect your loved ones to think of you and something that’s a big deal for you especially when they’ve agreed to help you. Vent here (actually maybe not here with all he previous posts 😂 but I’ll happily listen) and to your DF (like I did) but it would be unreasonable to say something to her and a lose a friendship over it. Some people just can’t help making it about them just like you can’t help being upset about it.

Hope it all works out xxxx

Lizzie48 · 27/08/2018 02:45

I might agree if the OP's wedding was a couple of weeks away, @Mamawingingit1234 but it's still 3 months away! And her friend hasn't set a date, she's just announced her engagement, which, I'm sorry, isn't about her friend who is getting married.

But I do tend to be happy for my friends and family who have good news to share, as they are important to me. (And this included friends who got pregnant whilst I was struggling with infertility.)

So sorry, I don't have much sympathy here.

Albert2 · 27/08/2018 03:31

Your friend is just excited to be getting married too. I suggest finding someone else to help you plan the wedding. If she is bothering you that much maybe find another MOH.

SummerIsEasy · 27/08/2018 03:55

My DH was military 36 years ago when we planned out wedding. He was not in the least involved until two days before the wedding when he turned up, hung over after a stag do in Germany with his mates.

We would happily have gone without the whole thing, but my parents expected a decent wedding and to be fair they paid for it. It was their day, most of the guests were extended family and my parents also invited their friends. My parents sorted out the seating plan, so that Auntie so and so would be happy with who they sat next to. It seemed to be much more important to them to put on a show than it was to us. My own friends were rationed and put on a small table.

I was expected to have my two younger sisters as bridesmaids, because my parents wanted this, when I would have much preferred my best mate from school.

To be honest I would rather have had the money spent to save for a deposit on our first home. None of it matters now.

Frogpond · 27/08/2018 04:21

You are not insane op. I have seen this happen a few times, one friend gets engaged, then the other friend gets upset seeing her friend in the lime light and tries to find a way to push in. Do you have a feeling that he reluctantly agreed to get married after being nagged? You also think your friend will probably be single by your wedding because the closer your wedding gets the more she will push him?
Find someone else to help you plan the wedding, be nice to your friend she will need your support if her relationship ends. Try to understand it's probably very hard for her to see you planning a wedding when she desperately wants to do the same. So be nice, listen to her talk about her dream day, but don't have her help plan.
I understand how frustrated you must be.

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