Would you ever disown your child?

[sunshineandrose]

I'm talking when they are an adult? I don't want to write my person circumstances online so thought I'd go for a generic question. Thank you

I like to think it isn't my fault but I know deep down I had to have gone wrong somewhere

Not necessarily; granted upbringing can have a major effect, but in the end we all have choices and some can be disastrous

I sometimes wonder if, when parents say "it must have been something I did", it' really comes from an instinctive desire to defend their child ... a sort of "I'd rather take the blame than them" kind of thing?

OP I had honestly forgotten the perpetrators of the James Bulger case were that young. I have no idea what I'd do in that case - apart from pray it never happened to me - but honestly I couldn't blame the parent of the perpetrator either.
I think that the childhood of the two murderers were pretty awful though. It’s a disgusting situation, but actually I think there has got to be a bit of nurture there (and a lot of nature), for at least one of them - I can’t remember what I read about the other one. I think the report of the psychologists was pretty sad and there was something about one of them lining up his toys around his bed every night to protect him? So god knows.
I absolutely do not blame the parents in all cases. Sometimes it’s more nurture, sometimes more nature and I’m sure sometimes it’s just nature.

It is a hard question but I probably would remain in contact if mychild showed some understanding of the impact of what they had done on their victim and were regretful or open to getting help and changing. I do want to believe in rehabilitation so I would try to support them if they wanted to spend their time in prison working on themselves. If they showed no remorse and were just waiting to get out to keep living a similar life, I would find it hard to be supportive but being the person I am, even then I might keep trying to get through to them. In an extreme case, if they were in prison for life and showed no remorse, I would probably get counselling for myself and try to sever ties at that point.

OP I wonder if this thread has been any use to you whatsoever.

Overall my advice to you is definitely to go to counselling from an extremely reputable source before you make any decisions. A poster upthread made an excellent suggestion about taking time out from your child before making any hard and fast decisions which could give you breathing space.

It’s hard to say and I hope I’m never faced with a situation where that is a choice I have to make.

If they murdered someone it would depend entirely on the circumstances. Self defence could obviously be forgiven but cold blooded murder, not so much.

If they raped someone or sexually abused a child? I really can’t see myself being able to look them in the eyes again tbh.

I also always feel sorry for parents of hard drug addicts so heroin etc. They really do try everything to help them but have no choice in the end but to let them go their own way after they have stolen from them endlessly. There comes a point where you’re no longer helping your child, you’re enabling them.

My mum disowned me for years because my nephew showed me cigarette burns on his back and I reported it to social services. My sister's boyfriend was a drug dealer and was abusing the kids. But I got disowned for "grassing".

AngelsAckiz for what it’s worth from a random stranger on the internet, I’m glad your nephew had you to speak up for him.

I think I could forgive murder etc. I don't think the offence defines the person.

There is only so many abuses of trust I could take though. Like an addict who you try to help and they steal from you. There would come a time when I'd have to put my own mental health and the rest of the family first.

I wouldn't call that disowning though. I think of disowning as a shame thing, something done to maintain the honour and reputation of the family. I wouldn't care about that.

Angels that says a lot about you and a lot about your mother. Well done to you for being a voice for your defenceless nephew, your mother’s behaviour was disgraceful.

The only time I can think of where I would disown them would be if they harmed or abused anyone vulnerable.
Aside of that, I've got their back to the end!

It would depend on whether any mental health issues etc were involved, but I can’t imagine any situation where I would disown. I think I’d even visit whilst in prison etc.

I wouldn’t welcome them back home with open arms though. I would make sure any potential harm was not increased by my contact.

I might do.

If one was a rapist, or a peadeophile I would likely disown them. I would probably disown my child if they turned out to be a cold-blooded murderer or were so toxic they were dangerous to my mental health.

I think every parent out there has a line that their child could cross which would make them disown them. Thankfully, most parents don't get to find out where that line is.

@wheezing I agree the parents of the children that abused Jamie Bulger need to look at themselves.

The killers were also children.

WeightorWhite
When the whole Baby P story came out I just kept thinking, if it he’d survived what kind of person would he have turned into? Surely no one could go through that and grow up well?

No

I could understand it in certain circumstances yes

Never. No matter what

Speaking as a child who was put through years of physical and mental abuse from a father who said several times he'd disowned me... and I wasn't a bad kid by any stretch. He was a violent, controlling narcissist and I was the only person who would stand up to him. He didn't like that.
The last time he physically attacked me, on the day of my grandmothers funeral, an attack I took in order to protect my DM (her mother's funeral, my toddler was asleep upstairs at the time) I pressed charges and he got away with it.
Having had a child of my own, I certainly cant imagine as a parent how you could disown your own child.

When the whole Baby P story came out I just kept thinking, if it he’d survived what kind of person would he have turned into? Surely no one could go through that and grow up well?

Many children do grow up in homes where they are neglected, abused mentally, physically and sexually and can become loving caring parents but of course they will struggle with what they have been through

Sadly the cycle can continue

Much depends on the support around them

@wheezing - there is no evidence to suggest that those who are abused become bad people. I work with adults who were abused as children, they're almost the most wonderful people I've ever met

Bloody tempted recently. But I am their rock, if I cannot love them through thick and thin what have they got to hold on to?
Tough love needed sometimes. Said to one of mine yesterday I love you, I know you love me, I know you're hurting...but there's no need to be a cunt.
Took it well actually.

If they committed a heinous crime such as murder, torture, rape - all these apply to adults and children and there was no reason which caused them to commit the crime such as they were abused themselves. Then yes I would. Meaning they committed the crime for pleasure or to suit their needs.

To severely hurt their siblings or make their or my life, for no reason, hell. Then yes I would.

NaomhEoin that's incredibly awful, I hope you have got the help and support you needed from other sources

I wouldn't disown them.
.
Your child will never stop being your child just because you've disowned them.

I hope I'm never faced with such a decision but if my son were a family annihilator like this Christopher Watts scumbag who is charged with murdering his children (and the great likelihood is that he will be found guilty as he pretended they and his wife were missing for 2 days before finally confessing that he had murdered them, dumped their little bodies in oil-filled drums in the yard where he worked, buried his 15-weeks-pregnant wife in the same yard, denied having an affair, later admitted it, then claims his wife murdered the girls in a rage when he told her he was leaving her and he saw it on a baby monitor and killed her, stories filled with more holes than a wheel of Swiss cheese) then I'm not sure I could continue contact, tbh.